Friday, 11 July 2014

In case you didn't know... the moulin rouge is topless.

I've always wondered what kind of person has absolutely no personality or imagination and needs to google "Top 10 date ideas" to find things to do. I guess that's better than taking a girl to a McDonald's drive thru or making her watch you do martial arts. But according to ASK MEN this is the top 10 things to do on a date:

The Theatre.
Driving Range.
Art Gallery.
Local Music Show.
Play Tourist.
Ice Skating.
Try new Cuisine.

Well. There you have it. The limits of a mans imagination. I've done all these things on dates, with the exception of a driving range. If I'm going to be hitting balls with a stick on a date it's going to have to be vandalism in order to have fun. Is it just me or is golf not the most boring sport?  Dude that's BORING. Go burn some flipping calories already like a smelly sweaty man that's playing a real sport. Of course I'm pretty sure that guys take girls bowling to check out their bums without being noticed.

So I made a list of things NOT to do on a first date. 

Go golfing.
Eat ribs.
A family event.  
Sports bar. 
X rated movie. 
Strip club. 
Go to a topless show. 

Of course these things SHOULD be common sense. But you know. 

When I was in Paris there were probably TENS OF THOUSANDS of happy couples there, all doing the same things that I was doing. Romantic walks, visits to art galleries, eating in tiny cafe's, strolling, people watching, sketching, french movies, shopping... etc. People kissing everywhere. I saw so many tongues I felt like I was in a butcher shop. I started to kind of feel lonely a bit... it kind of sucks going to one of the most romantic cities in the world by yourself.

So I decided to treat myself and take myself on a date to the theatre! The Moulin Rouge in fact. It was super expensive even though I bought the ticket without the drink option. I loved the movie, and I was super excited to go to the show. For some reason... I thought it would be similar to the movie.

First they led me into a grand theatre full of happy people (on dates) with cute little tables with tablecloths, red lamps on the tables and glitz everywhere. Then they led me to a bare table under the stairs in the corner where you couldn't see the stage. I was like "Dude.. I don't think so." And they pretended not to understand English. I decided to just suck it up and not complain. Then they seated this old Russian lady in a huge puffy sweater with bad breath next to me to be my date! YAY! I guess that singles have to stick together. She showed me all her photos of all the same attractions I went to on the worlds slowest, smallest screened digital camera from the 80's. And she would NOT take a mint. I offered twice.

When the show finally started and the room was full of happy couples holding hands across the table and making Disney eyes at each other and the Russian lady had stopped playing footsie with me I realised something. THIS WAS A TOPLESS SHOW. I'd like to make a joke about not seeing that much silicone outside of home depot but they were not fakes! I was pretty stunned. I had no idea that the show was topless but you know... it's not something that I've never seen before. I have two of them myself and I see them all the time. And that was the moment that I was pretty relieved that I wasn't on a date. WHO TAKES A DATE TO A TOPLESS SHOW? SERIOUSLY? SO AWKWARD.

After spending 99 euros on a show where they lip sync to English songs, can't afford to buy the dancers bikini tops, get treated like a second class citizen seated in the worst seat in the theatre... I thought back to some of my bad dates and realised that some weren't as bad as this experience. And then the stage of the Moulin rouge turned into an AQUARIUM FULL OF YELLOW PYTHONS SWIMMING IN WATER and as a topless women jumped into the tank to swim with them... I realised that this was probably the worst date I've ever been on. Had a guy ever taken me to a topless show where we sat in the worst seats and the room was full of snakes I probably wouldn't call him again. And I would have done exactly what I did... left early, went home to my hostel alone and marvelled at my own stupidity.

Monday, 7 July 2014

A German Breakfast in France.

Oh my gosh. So I went to France.

The thing about France is that EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction. Moulin Rouge, the Louvre, Eiffel Tower... crawling with people. Everywhere you go you can't really get a moments peace and enjoy yourself unless.... you get up at 5 am in order to get there before everyone else does. I tried this. I'm not a morning person by any means but I did it. Woke up at 5, and was downstairs for breakfast by 6.

The man that served breakfast in my hostel was really creepy. And really French. He would watch you to make sure you only took one croissant and one day he frowned at me taking 2 sugar cubes and on my 6 am early day he saw me coming and REMOVED the sugar before I could take one. Then he pretended he didn't know English when I was like, Dude I can't drink this tea without sugar.

So this random German guy offered to share his honey. I usually don't accept food from strangers but since he was using it I thought it was probably ok. And part of travelling is getting out of your comfort zone and eating mysterious honey and talking to strangers at 6 am is definitely out of my comfort zone.

So I asked this guy why he was up at 6am and he said he hadn't been to bed yet, because they were at the club all night and then drank "many bottles of wine" outside on the sidewalk. His English (for a drunk guy) was actually really good, and he was actually really good looking. Tall, blond, beardy, strapping German lad. All he was missing was the Laederhosen! They don't make guys like that in Canada... and if they do they're in the woods somewhere because I can't find them.

So my new German friend invited me to his room to drink "bottles of wine" with his friends. Hell no. I was like "Oh, sorry I'm meeting my friend, I'm going to Versailles today!" I mean... it's 6am. Do you really think I have time to become a statistic and miss my grand tour of Europe because I'm skinned alive in a creepy hostel in france? Actually... it was a really nice design hostel.

So instead my new German friend invited me to come to Germany! "You must come to Germany and stay at my house and we will go to nightclubs! Germany has the best clubs and we will dance!" He gave me his phone number in Berlin... his address... he told me which train to take and all that jazz. I was kind of regretting putting makeup on.

(This is the best part.)

Then he made a sandwich and beat boxed for me. When I say that he "beat boxed" what I mean is that he said "boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants" over and over again... while doing a rave dance shuffle and eating a sandwich.

And I never saw him again...