Online Dating Photo-capades.

So every time I search online for dates I see the same people. It's like there are 34 men in my area that are pre-disposed to being single forever. And they are on ALL the online sites. Same guys. Sometimes the name is different, but the pictures are the same.

Because they are REALLY working for you.

#1. You and your dog. Really? That's a little too much information in the first picture I see of you. It tells me that no matter what, you will love that animal more than me. You'll get up early to take it outside so it can poo on the sidewalk and you will gladly and lovingly pick up that poo, but you won't get up early for ME to go for a run or coffee or to a farmers market, and that dog WILL be sleeping in the bed between us, slobbering and breathing dog breath on me.

#2. You and your quad. This to me says "I have no hobbies, so I buy useless modes of transportation and ride them in the mud. It's an activity I will be doing alone, because you can't know how awesome it is and you will never have enough testosterone to even touch this machine."

#3. You in front of a big truck. This says "Oh yeah, I can afford a $40,000 truck but I still have student loans and it's my way of feeling like a man. As long as I have this truck... I am so manly." By the way, you could have washed it for the picture.

#4. Wearing sunglasses. Ok, why even take a picture? All I can see is the lower half of your face. Might as well post a picture of Batman for all I can tell you MIGHT actually BE Batman, but living in crappy Edmonton instead of Gotham city.

#5. A speck in front of some crappy mountains. Oh... is that you? Are you the size of a hobbit, or an elf? I can barely see you. Is this so that I can't actually tell you lied about how tall you are?

#6. Blurry out of focus close up of your face. Not so attractive. You didn't shave, or even smile. Is that a face you want to date? Not really. Would it have hurt to comb your hair?

#7. Wearing a hat. Ok. This is an issue. We all know 50% of men are bald. We can live with that. 50% of women get breast cancer. If you can live with a woman with one breast, we can live with a bald man. Just BE UP FRONT ABOUT IT. There's nothing worse than blind dating a guy who shows up bald. Oh... maybe the time the guy had a comb-over. Like buddy... what... are you going to wear that touque November, December, January, February and March but as soon as April comes around she's going to find out you're bald. It's like girls wearing padded push-up bras. Trust me, you'll be just as disappointed as we are.

#8. Shirtless. I don't know about the rest of the female population, but when I see a guy with huge muscles all I think is that you spend 3 hours at the gym everyday and those hours could be spent doing something more useful. Also, in your profile you want a girl that is into eating right and fitness. Let me clue you in... ALL THE SKINNY GIRLS GOT MARRIED IN THEIR 20'S. THE ONLY GIRLS LEFT ARE CHUBBY. Might as well be real here.

#9. With a hot girl at the bar. Why would you do this? This says "Oh yeah, I can get a hot girl anytime I want but I'm just online to see if I can find "the one." But really... I get laid all the time." Even worse is WHEN YOU CUT THE GIRL OUT OF THE PICTURE. That's rude, and tacky. Could you not take a picture? It takes 5 seconds. Even drawing a picture of yourself is better than that.

#10. Studio shots. I've seen more pictures of men posing at sears for their online dating picture than I care to remember. Bending down on one knee, resting your head on your hand, hands clasped, looking into the distance.... yeah. That's called TRYING TOO HARD. I see this and think you're trying too hard, or.... your mom took you for your 40th birthday to get a sears portrait package because she is so slighted she doesn't have grandkids yet she needs to control your life in order to feel fulfilled.

Honestly... it's all true.  

#36 Mr. Surprise.

I met Mr. Surprise online, and we had exchanged emails for a bit... then started to text.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. Once you start texting someone you don't know, you're in a relationship weather you like it or not and if not... they can PHONE YOU any time any day. I'm sure there's an iPhone app for stalkers where they can follow you incognito around the city and sneak up behind you and smell your hair.

My new texting buddy wanted to meet and go for a (chilly) walk in the river valley. At the time it sounded good... cold but good. The weird thing was that he didn't want to meet at a coffee shop or anything like that... it was just on the side of the road on a particular bench downtown. ??? Kind of sketch, and for all I knew some homeless guy would be sleeping on it when I got there. I bundled up and found a parking space and actually put the club on my steering wheel for the first time. Yeah, we got thugs in Canada too. I found the bench and waited, hoping that he could read my mind and bring hot chocolate.

Nope. He brought something else.

A guy wearing jogging pants, fancy red parka, red touque and mitts is walking down the avenue. He stops and says "Hello are you _________?" Well, I'm confused because he has no less than THREE dogs on leashes. This was a dog walking date. I had no idea that such a thing could exist? I didn't even know that he owned dogs? I mean, I don't bring my cat on blind dates. He's pretty vicious though so maybe I should?

I just decided to have a good attitude, and lie about how much I loved dogs. Un-ethical, I know, but dog people get just as offended when you don't like dogs as mothers do when you say you hate babies.

Onward to the magic. He gives me the smallest dog to walk, which was one of those curly white haired ones with all the crusty brown junk crammed under it's eyes. He had the other two, who really just smelled each others junk the whole walk. I actually started to feel bad for my dog, because it didn't get no play. So Mr. Surprise talked about his dogs. For almost the whole date. He didn't just tell me everything about THESE dogs, no, he talked about the dogs he had as a kid, and how they died, and how he buried them and his dad made a tombstone and it was in the backyard, and he went back to his childhood home and peeked in the yard and the tombstone was gone and it was really really hurtful.

Sigh. He ended up getting mad at me a few times. It was winter, like I said. The paths were actually icy in some places, and I slipped and fell twice! My last season Ed Hardy boots had almost no traction, and the first time I got tangled in the leash, (he did NOT help me up) and the second time I almost fell ON THE DOG and he gave me the stink eye. At least he dog-walked me back to my car at the end.

I don't know how many times dogs go to the bathroom on walks, but it was a LOT and if I was interested in Mr. Surprise--- the feces just killed it for me.

Fecal matter is not a joke friends.

After this... he would text me from the dogs, asking me for another walk. Thank God I went to China after this and got my revenge actually eating dog. Did I just write that? I did.