Because this was an artsy guy, instead of asking for my phone number or anything to call me and ask me out, he got my mailing address from my friend. I got a letter in the mail. Not just a letter, but one of those creepy magazine cut out handmade letters. Picture something from a horror movie... are you doing that? Seriously. ??? I wasn't sure if this guy was:
a) A serial killer
b) Just artsy
c) totally mental
d) addicted to scissors.
Anyhow, the letter said to meet him at a coffee shop downtown on a certain day, at a certain time. I could deal with that. It was actually kind of intriguing, but still creepy at the same time. I like a good intrigue. I mean, this could have turned out great, I like creepy things sometimes. So I went to the coffee shop, and there were no men inside. Just a mom and daughter couple, and a girl sitting alone. I waited for a bit, and the girl came over to my table.
Ok, so I thought she was a girl. Turned out THAT WAS THE GUY! Hahahahahahaha. Well, my mistake. He had long hair, and was wearing a big ugly orange cardigan with what I thought were leggings, but were tight black jeans. I guess he was kind of pretty, but he had a pinchy look to his face. Like he ate lots of lemons, but just with his nose.
He started talking about art, and artists that he liked.... and existential this, and existential that.... when I admitted I didn't know what the word "existential" meant he sighed heavily and said "you know, I dont' even think I can explain it to you... you just wouldn't get it... I can tell." Really? You can tell just by looking at me that I won't understand the definition of a word when I hear it? Lame. I might not be an A+ student, but I am certainly no dummy. Only once have I drooled in public.
He had ordered tea, and drank the whole pot. I was grateful that he was done and as I asked our waitress for the cheque he spoke out louder and asked for another pot of tea! Arg. I dont' know why, he must have thought I was stupid... why spend more time with me?
So he told me tales of being a starving artist. Living in a two room flat with 6 other guys. Yes, he used the word "flat" like he's some sort of British wanker. He said that he tried to live off of $1 a day, and ate at shelters to mingle with "people of substance." He talked about independent films, and foreign music... and with every new thing he said he added: "But you've probably never heard of it, right?" My gosh. I've been quoted with saying that "Turtlenecks are the most pretentious of all sweaters" more than once, but this time I think the baggy orange cardigan takes the cake. I've never been spoken down to like this before ever in my life!
I was trying to have a good attitude, and just smile and nod, and think that maybe he was nervous and just didn't know how to act
So I just decided to play along as a stupid person. I asked him if he was going to cut his ear off like Davinci. He said he had thought about it before. (It was Van Gogh). I asked him if he was a part of the new painting movement where people paint with their tongues. He said that he was the one who had actually brought that technique to Edmonton. ??? Seriously? I thought I had invented it 2 seconds ago in my mind... people really do that? I told him that my art is mainly food based. I said that I was making the worlds largest froot-loop necklace, and that my best work was building the 10 Commandments out of alphabet cereal. He signed again, and mumbled under his breath something about "childish." Hahaha.
So after drinking 2 pots of tea he went to the bathroom, and I asked the waitress for our cheque. She brought it just as he got back to the table. Thankfully he reached into his pocket and pulled out a freaking gold amex card. Excuse me? Gold credit cards? This guy looked like a girly hobo and eats at shelters and has a gold amex card? Well, at least he paid for my Pepsi. It must have been a big sacrifice considering that was a day and a half of living expenses for him.
We weren't getting along and even if he had asked, I had no intention of ever seeing him again. We just said, well... nice to meet you and left it like that. We both walked to the parking lot and I wanted to see what kind of car he drove. I kind of just slunked around my car, pretending to look for my keys in my purse. He walked over to a (maybe) brand new ford focus. With the way he talked, I had thought maybe he rode a fuel efficient vespa, or a rusty old bicycle, or maybe something British like an Austin mini. Even a wood panelled station wagon would have been something this starving artist could tolerate.
I texted my friend and said the date was a bust but I asked what he did for a living? She said that he was the accountant for her insurance firm! Not a starving artist at all... hahaha. I looked him up on FB and there were pictures of him with a ponytail and a white golf shirt... golfing.... ironic.
I actually have seen this guy again, at a church that I don't go to very often. Didn't say hi.
Note- I JUST wrote the title for this post and thought it was so funny that he sent me a serial killer letter and I told him I made art out of cereal. Never connected it before! Oh wait.. I'm the stupid one. Right.
