SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN VOLUME 2

Sometimes I get surprised by the feedback about the blog. Some friends in NYC that I visited told me that they sat in front of the computer all night reading the blog and peeing their pants. Flattering.

Another time I gave a ride to a random person, who realized who I was, and screamed out "You write the blind date blog! All my friends would read it during history class when we were bored!" Well, I can't blame you for being interested. It IS history after all. Just the bad kind, like communism or Hitlers to-do list.

Online dating isn't really working for me this time... I've only met psychopaths so far. READ ON.

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN? VOLUME II
Option 1) Hey, I'm James and I'm from Edmonton. I'm a nice guy who likes making people laugh, and I grew up on a farm. I'm not your typical guy.

On a first date: well, assuming that this was a girl that I'd been talking to for a while so it was a real date (a "test things out" date would be like "lunch") I would take her out for something to do like bowling although I never go and I suck at it, or to the driving range to share a bucket of balls, because I never go and I suck at it. Lol, either way I'd have fun. Then I'd take her too see something, maybe live theatre at the citadel as long as it was something funny instead of some story about transvestites or something which they always seem to have playing. Or maybe live comedy at the comic strip, but that depends on the girl because they're pretty uncouth. Next, I'd take her out for dinner, I would say to Japanese village because it's my favorite and they flip knives and stuff but that's more of a third or fourth date thing...too bad. Smokin Joes is pretty good, or else Kyoto Sushi if she's into that because it's the best sushi in town. Then I'd drive her home and if the date went well I'd pop my trunk and give her the flowers. Might seem odd, but it'll catch her totally off guard because flowers are a beginning of a date thing, but to hell with that. Then if the date doesn't go well, they go in the garbage. This way if it doesn't go well, I can give them to my mom or sister or something.

Option 2) The best way to describe me is "mercurial"! I am moving, restless, seeking, and learning. I am constantly in motion, a torrent of wind! I`m intellectual and won`t hesitate to play games with my lover, only child`s play though! I am a great communicator, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, I may move from one relationship to the next until I find the one which is as smart as I am and able to keep up with my high-spirited personality. The reward for those who lasso me is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. And I`m also ambidextrous...oooooh

On a first date: I'm down for anything... 

Option 3) Your profile says "just ask" but nobody ever answers. "Just ask" what? O-o

Im ranked as one of the top ten Instrumental Composers in Canada (Source: Reverb Nation). Im working on an instrumental album for 2013. Think "Timbaland" meets "David Guetta" meets "Skrillex" meets Katy Perry. Im very busy doing the work of between 20 and 30 people so basically it's not that I don't have a life its just creating music IS my life. I hope to find someone as passionate about creating music as I am, even more!

If you pass me over because I chose to live at home instead of living in a sh#tty apartment like 60% of you do then that's your loss. I got money in the bank, I have a car, I could buy you a car and a trip to Honolulu if I wanted to, I dont have to deal with sh%tty neighbors, I have no debt, I own several website domain names I might sell in the future, I have a job, actually 3 jobs because I stock trade as well. Im a very nice guy, TOO nice but you would never know that because you never reply to my messages or read my profile.

I'm average height. Husky build. I look intimidating but I'm a teddy bear. By "other ethnicity" I mean "who gives a care what your ethnicity is?"

On a first date:  NOTE: He just left that blank, so I call it foreshadowing. 


GOD HELP US ALL. 

Mr. Trombone

So one time I stalked a guy on the Internet until he went out with me. For real... this was even before Internet dating existed!


Sometimes girls waste time at sleepovers talking about the guy they want to marry. I know, guys always think sleepovers are all pillow-fights in sexy underwear.... well. It is. We just took a break. While the feathers settled on our sexy dewy skin.... we discussed "The List."

At this time in my life really the only thing on my list was "NOT a crackhead." Except that I really liked Ska music and I told all my friends that I was going to marry a trombone player.

2 weeks later guess what happened?

I MET a trombone player in a ska band at some show somewhere that I can't remember anymore. He wasn't particularly good looking, decent, but with bad hair. Really bad hair. Like, he put it into a top ponytail and just cut it off, then let it fall where it may. He opened up the convo with "Hey, do you like Ska?" so he was basically IN. However, to my chagrin he DIDN'T ask me for my phone number.

No matter. I can stalk him on the Internets.

I went on his band's web page, and emailed them all asking them if this guy had a girlfriend. I never heard back. So, I emailed him asking him out for coffee. WEEKS passed and he emailed back... and we agreed to meet up. I can't remember where, or when but we started hanging out a bit. I soon learned that all his band mates called me "the creepy Internet girl." Well, I guess it was true, at least. It was pretty creepy to do that. I admit it. But that's because I really AM that creepy and just restrain myself most days.

So after hanging out a bit, phone talking... that kind of thing, I invited him to be my date at a Christmas banquet. Except... this guy didn't have a drivers license and I had to pick him up. Not from his house, from this weird obscure place across town that I drove past 5 times on a one way to try to find it. By the time I picked him up, I realised that this was not a love match. Even though he had put on some snazzy John Fluevog shoes, he still didn't comb his hair. It looked the worst it had ever looked, and I was actually embarrassed to take this guy. Because I had to babysit him all night at the table, I didn't get to visit with any of my friends at all... who were convinced that he "Like-Liked" me because come on... banquets suck. You don't go to a banquet with someone unless you like them.

Halfway through the meal I went to the ladies room. I came back, and MY FOOD WAS GONE. He had told the servers I was done. Come on.... that's insane. I was too nervous to eat all day and the best part of the night was stolen and scraped into a garbage can. Sigh.

So after it was over, he flat out refused to come out to a coffee shop with me and my friends. Not a big deal, but it was a tradition and I was disappointed that I had to take this baby home. We get in the car and he says he's thirsty. Sigh. We go to a Denny's.

While we sat there chit chatting I started to get the ska out of my eyes. I realised that almost everything he said was really condescending. He would say something, then stop himself and say "Oh yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that... " in a really annoying tone of voice. Buddy... YOU CAN'T DRIVE... WHO'S THE STUPID ONE HERE? I figured that I wasn't planning on calling this guy up ever again, but I did want to figure out if he did "like-like" me.

So what does the creepy Internet girl do? I just flat out asked him. His reply kind of shocked me.

"No, I know you too well to like you."

??? What! ???

Did you just say that?

Out loud?

Buddy. I don't know if you were raised by monkeys but that's cold. And Rude.

I really had to force myself to drive him to his house. Didn't want to do it, but that was in the early days before I got screwed around a lot and knew better.

Funny thing though, I ended up working for his sister after that and she agreed that her bro was kind of an ass. Sometimes it doesn't matter if a guy wears nice shoes.... kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or, in this case an ass in sheep's clothing. Explains the hair. 

Serial Killer.... Cereal killer? Hahahhaha.

This blind date was a set up from a friend. She knew this guy that was kind of artsy, so she thought that we would go well together. Things just don't work like that.

Because this was an artsy guy, instead of asking for my phone number or anything to call me and ask me out, he got my mailing address from my friend. I got a letter in the mail. Not just a letter, but one of those creepy magazine cut out handmade letters. Picture something from a horror movie... are you doing that? Seriously. ??? I wasn't sure if this guy was:

a) A serial killer
b) Just artsy
c) totally mental
d) addicted to scissors.

Anyhow, the letter said to meet him at a coffee shop downtown on a certain day, at a certain time. I could deal with that. It was actually kind of intriguing, but still creepy at the same time. I like a good intrigue. I mean, this could have turned out great, I like creepy things sometimes. So I went to the coffee shop, and there were no men inside. Just a mom and daughter couple, and a girl sitting alone. I waited for a bit, and the girl came over to my table.

Ok, so I thought she was a girl. Turned out THAT WAS THE GUY! Hahahahahahaha. Well, my mistake. He had long hair, and was wearing a big ugly orange cardigan with what I thought were leggings, but were tight black jeans. I guess he was kind of pretty, but he had a pinchy look to his face. Like he ate lots of lemons, but just with his nose.

He started talking about art, and artists that he liked.... and existential this, and existential that.... when I admitted I didn't know what the word "existential" meant he sighed heavily and said "you know, I dont' even think I can explain it to you... you just wouldn't get it... I can tell." Really? You can tell just by looking at me that I won't understand the definition of a word when I hear it? Lame. I might not be an A+ student, but I am certainly no dummy. Only once have I drooled in public.

He had ordered tea, and drank the whole pot. I was grateful that he was done and as I asked our waitress for the cheque he spoke out louder and asked for another pot of tea! Arg. I dont' know why, he must have thought I was stupid... why spend more time with me?

So he told me tales of being a starving artist. Living in a two room flat with 6 other guys. Yes, he used the word "flat" like he's some sort of British wanker. He said that he tried to live off of $1 a day, and ate at shelters to mingle with "people of substance." He talked about independent films, and foreign music... and with every new thing he said he added: "But you've probably never heard of it, right?" My gosh. I've been quoted with saying that "Turtlenecks are the most pretentious of all sweaters" more than once, but this time I think the baggy orange cardigan takes the cake. I've never been spoken down to like this before ever in my life!

I was trying to have a good attitude, and just smile and nod, and think that maybe he was nervous and just didn't know how to act with a girl, in public, in front of a date... and really sometimes I am able to keep my mouth shut and have a good attitude no matter what you've been told...

So I just decided to play along as a stupid person. I asked him if he was going to cut his ear off like Davinci. He said he had thought about it before. (It was Van Gogh). I asked him if he was a part of the new painting movement where people paint with their tongues. He said that he was the one who had actually brought that technique to Edmonton. ??? Seriously? I thought I had invented it 2 seconds ago in my mind... people really do that? I told him that my art is mainly food based. I said that I was making the worlds largest froot-loop necklace, and that my best work was building the 10 Commandments out of alphabet cereal. He signed again, and mumbled under his breath something about "childish." Hahaha.

So after drinking 2 pots of tea he went to the bathroom, and I asked the waitress for our cheque. She brought it just as he got back to the table.  Thankfully he reached into his pocket and pulled out a freaking gold amex card. Excuse me? Gold credit cards? This guy looked like a girly hobo and eats at shelters and has a gold amex card? Well, at least he paid for my Pepsi. It must have been a big sacrifice considering that was a day and a half of living expenses for him.

We weren't getting along and even if he had asked, I had no intention of ever seeing him again. We just said, well... nice to meet you and left it like that. We both walked to the parking lot and I wanted to see what kind of car he drove. I kind of just slunked around my car, pretending to look for my keys in my purse. He walked over to a (maybe) brand new ford focus. With the way he talked, I had thought maybe he rode a fuel efficient vespa, or a rusty old bicycle, or maybe something British like an Austin mini. Even a wood panelled station wagon would have been something this starving artist could tolerate.

I texted my friend and said the date was a bust but I asked what he did for a living? She said that he was the accountant for her insurance firm! Not a starving artist at all... hahaha. I looked him up on FB and there were pictures of him with a ponytail and a white golf shirt... golfing.... ironic.

I actually have seen this guy again, at a church that I don't go to very often. Didn't say hi.

Note- I JUST wrote the title for this post and thought it was so funny that he sent me a serial killer letter and I told him I made art out of cereal. Never connected it before! Oh wait.. I'm the stupid one. Right.