I just bought a ticket to Utah.

Pretty much all the guys on Christian Mingle are ugly. 

The good looking ones are just too good looking 

like underwear models in the sears catalogue. 

Guys in their 30s want to date girls in their 20's. Ouch. 

Guys in their 40's want to date girls in their 30's... 

DEAR GOD SAVE ME. 

Now for reasons I don't understand, most of my friends my age are married with kids. They slowly stop hanging out with you, because you just have nothing in common anymore. I mean... you're alone and they aren't. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to be woken up at 3 am by screaming children or change diapers. I like getting 14 hours of sleep a night. It just sucks that everyone else isn't available to go out all the time. 

So, I made friends 10 years younger than me. EAT THAT OLD PEOPLE. 

But now... they too are slowly getting married and engaged and having kids also. Pretty soon, I will be the only single female on earth, and will be easy pickings for a polygamist cult to pick up. 

It must be so nice to live on a polygamist commune. You are pretty much guaranteed to get married NO MATTER WHAT. You might have to share him with 8 other women, and he might be in his 60's, but chances are he will want to breed it up asap. You get to have sister-wives to hang out with all day while doing laundry and cooking. The clothes are cotton and breathable. The puffed sleeves add a little something. You never have to pay for a haircut again, or buy makeup. You don't even need to take care of your own kids, because they have 9 other mothers. 

I just bought a ticket to Utah. 

The Strong Man.

This morning I took my first ever self-defence course. I realise that I was ripe for the picking with all the creepy rapists in Brooklyn, considering I fight like a girl. Now I can fight like a girl who has a chance of doing more than peeing her pants.

Practising the awesome Chuck Norris moves today on the mat, I was reminded of the time I dated a guy who liked to fight. (And yes.. the woman that taught the class DID fight for Chuck Norris in real life so she knows what she's doing). But I digress.

A few years ago I decided to give a strongman a chance. I met him online, and I kept telling him I wasn't interested, he was too muscled and I didn't want to date a guy that had side effects of steroids. He emailed me so many times to tell me that all his manly parts were fine, and in fact over those emails I learnt that he actually had a brain. No joke, he read books. The classics even. He had a degree in English Lit, and he had muscles... do you know that song called "Walking Contradiction" by Green day? It's so catchy.

I agreed to meet him for dinner, and I wasn't sure what KIND of muscly guy he was. Was he a beer and hot dogs kind of guy? Was he a burger guy? Turns out he was a SALAD GUY. For crying out loud. The only thing that lettuce is good for is frolicking through a lettuce patch on a Sunday afternoon while you're eating a burger that is so greasy your face becomes luminescent.

I felt pressured in that 2 seconds to order a salad too. Would he think I was some kind of carnivore? Turns out I don't give in to peer pressure, and I ordered a burger anyway. I kind of felt like he would judge me, but at the same time I was coming off the Dr.Berenstein diet where you eat almost nothing to begin with... so I was ready to stuff my face full of ground beef and cheese.

I actually really enjoyed hanging with him, and when he asked me if I wanted to go out again I decided it wouldn't kill me. Except that it kind of did. His great idea of a second date was to take me to this martial arts training place... and you see where I'm going with this? No you don't. You really don't. I know you're thinking that he signed us up for a class. That is not true. He only signed HIMSELF UP. And I was supposed to stand there like some kind of soccer Mom watching him. He said that he spends most of his free time there. Ugh. The class was 2 hours. 2 hours of death. It smelled like B.O. Some other muscled guy tried to pick me up, and I gave him Jenny's number. You know... 867- 5309.

After 2 hours of pretending to be encouraging while he kicked and punched... I was tired. I realised that for all his sparkling blue eyes there was a future of watching a man with an obsession... and I need a guy that is obsessed with Jesus instead. 

SURPRISE I've relocated to NEw York.

If you've noticed the title of this post, I have moved to New York.

I know, I dated all the men in Canada, so now it's time to go American. I like American cheese, so I figured it was a good choice.

Now that I've spent a couple weeks in Brooklyn I have noticed some things. Sometimes you will be sitting on the subway across from either a cranky person, a homeless person, or a drop dead gorgeous hipster. And you just don't know where to look. You really don't want to make eye contact with any of them, except the hipster but I don't know all the "rules" in Brooklyn. It's a whole different culture my friends. I don't want to get stabbed.

The other day I went to Rockefeller centre, which was actually disappointing because it's really small in person. I bought some deli lunch and sat and watched tourists fall on their asses while I ate. The guy on the bench beside me ended up trying to pick me up. This happens frequently. I think that a lot of guys try to pick up girls that are just a little bit chubby because they think that we are desperate and will sleep with any guy who notices them. This might be true, but not in my case.

So Mr. Rockefeller was average height, a little chubby, premature balding, and I think he was either Jewish or maybe Greek or some kind of combo? He was wearing a suit, so I thought hey maybe he's rich or something, but then I looked down. His shoes were orthopaedic black running shoes. With a suit. Seriously? I've heard about women wearing comfy shoes on the subway and then putting the heels on at the office but I didn't know men did this too? He showed me where he lives (Astoria), on a map, not in person... and told me about how he was happy as a kid when he was grooming dogs with his grandparents.

Grooming dogs. Yup. If you sat through that video congratulations. Personally I didn't even watch it myself. That's how much I care about dogs. So Mr. Rockefeller and I chatted for an hour and a half, and walked around the square, him in orthopaedic shoes and me in my heels... talking about anal glands and the importance of maintaining the area. How romantic. We went into the Lego store and he took pictures of me looking at Lego. Then he took one of both of us which was weird. Who does that? Meet a perfect stranger and takes photos of them and puts them on FB? Mr. Rockefeller, that's who. I mean... it's kind of nice, being someones imaginary FB girlfriend. Thanks Honey.

So this is the thing.

I had to get going, and I mentioned I had to meet a friend for coffee. (Lies). He told me about a great coffee shop around the corner and yada-blah-blah-pretentious-financial-guy-talk-stuff and then I thought he was going to maybe ask for my number and suggest coffee... but he just said "nice to meet you" and took off. Like who does that? Spends an hour and a half talking to a girl, being friendly and then takes off? I don't get these Americans. Why did he mention a coffee shop in the first place?

Next time I'm going for a homeless guy. I talked to a guy on the subway that was wearing a dirty bib around his next with food stains, carrying a clear garbage bag full of bottles and a golf club. Should have gotten his number.

"I love you guy," or the time I dated a mormon by accident.

So, as most of you know from earlier posts my clock is ticking. This means that soon my eggs will not be available for sale on the Chinese black market for that much longer, and my ovaries will implode and resemble shrunken black olives or the philosophers stone. 

When babies cry, it makes me want to run away. For some reason, I think this means I wouldn't be the greatest mom. I mean, I'm all for giving birth and then selling them for profit, or maybe getting a full time nanny or a stay at home dad or even some old people from the rest home to take care of it while I'm at work. It's just that I like older kids the best. They cry considerably less. But technically I've got to get married first before I have nine-tuplets and smirk in the face of Octomom. 

I met a guy that morphed from a super cool dude into a guy that is everyone's worst nightmare. He's called "I love you guy."

I met this beaut at church. A good place to meet a guy, if you are into God and Jesus and all those things like I am. He was soooo funny (when I first met him). Decently good looking, clean shaven... decent clothing and job, and car, and he owned a condo... so you know that he had his life somewhat together. At least he seemed dateable material. 

We went out a few times, and that turned into more than a few times. We went to quite a few movies (mostly animated cartoons), and HE WOULD ALWAYS PAY. I think this is why I kept going out with him... guys paying for me is so rare I just wanted to experience it more than once. He would even buy me movie snacks. When I would order a diet coke, he would wrinkle up his nose and say that diet coke was so un-holy. ??? Whatever. He'd get sprite, or water. I didn't know if he was serious, or soda flirting. If there is such a thing. 

We went for coffee a few times, and it was exciting to meet someone else that had never had a cup of coffee before. I think I've had a sip once... and I didn't like it. I also drank an "iced cap" from Tim Hortons once, and I threw up out the car window on a road trip to Jasper on the highway. Anyhow, "I love you guy" would get Jones soda, or water. No tea. No hot chocolate. ??? I was like, whatever... he must like water. 

He was always super polite- opening doors for me, he would be nice to the servers, bank tellers... it was refreshing and also kind of weird. What was even weirder was I never saw him at church again. I asked him about it and he said that he started going to a different church. I asked which one and he just said it was on the south side and traditional and I'd think it was boring. Ok, well... I thought that saved me some time. But, it just wasn't a love match on my side and I always had the feeling like he was disapproving of everything I said and did... once he came over and told me that I should throw away 99.9% of the movies that I watch. Hello... I need that Kill Bill to get me through the day sometimes. 

So I called him even though I really wanted to text instead.... I was mature for once and talked in person to break it off with him. He took it pretty well, and we said "see you later." But he really meant that he'd see me later, because he showed up at my work asking if I wanted to go out and talk. Sigh. Ok, so I went for coffee with him and he said that it was destiny that brought us together. 

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Really? Destiny? 

And then he told me that he loved me. Those big brown eyes teared up and I started laughing at him. (I always laugh when men cry, it makes me so uncomfortable). I was like no way, that is impossible, there is a difference between infatuation and love, and it was obvious to me that we wouldn't make a good match. So I broke it off a little firmer and told him not to contact me again. 

He texted me probably 20 times that day, and 20 times the next. I finally just shut my phone off and stuck it in a drawer. After a week I checked it and all the voice mail was from him leaving insane messages, reciting love poetry, and one invited me to church to meet his family.

  AT THE CHURCH OF THE LATTER DAY SAINTS. 

All of a sudden... everything made a lot of sense. I just felt so stupid I didn't tell anyone. I still feel stupid, but he's probably married with 5 kids living on planet Kolob by now. I'm just glad I'm in my grannie panties instead of sexy mormon underwears. 

Tips for Single Women... from 1939.

Well now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years... 

TIPS FOR SINGLE WOMEN! 

Retronaut... via blame betty. 

I personally like the one where you can't look bored, even if you are. 

"I read her blog BEFORE it was a book."

12,000 views already?

Thanks for all the emails... I'm glad that I'm not the only one out there that has had so many bad blind dates. At least we can laugh at ourselves... which is the purpose of this blog. I can sit around and feel rejected, or I can laugh at all of my experiences and share them so YOU can laugh too.


Besides... the more views, the more people that can say, "I read her blog BEFORE it was a book." Or "They made that book into a movie, can you believe it's a true story with all the jerks she's gone out with?" Or something something like THAT.

Eat that. 

10 things to do on a bad blind date.

This is hilarious... 

I found this list of things to do while on a bad blind date.... wish I had thought of some of them. 

Faking the Ebola virus is my favourite... 

From Cara Gundersen..... check it out! 

Ok, I'll make my own list. 

The WASTE OF MAKEUP list of things to do on a bad blind date. 

1.) Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and go out and key his car.
2.) Steal his credit card and order him things online like snuggies and self-help books.
3.) Put an eno in your mouth and fake a seizure.
4.) Wear your wedding dress.
5.) Chew with your mouth open and let a little food fall onto the table.
6.) Ask him the same question every few minutes.
7.) Draw a cartoon of your bad blind date as it's happening and share it.
8.) Try to pick up another guy right there and then. See what happens.
9.) Arrange his name into an anagram that reads "I am Lord Voldemort."
10.) Call him and ask him out on his cell while you're both sitting there... .. .

Enjoy. I've come close to number 5 in real life, only it was puke. Kind of wonder how I managed to get a second date... but it happened. BELIEVE IT.