Mr. Body Odour

So I noticed Mr. Body Odour on Plenty of Fish and he looked like a nice enough good looking guy. We exchanged quite a few messages, and he seemed really cool and friendly, and witty and nice. We made plans to meet for coffee at a coffee shop where I have had no less than 3 blind dates before. I didn't pick it.

We have a few friends in common, and right before this date one of his friends mentioned that this guy is really opinionated and that he's been single all his life. I was like, "Ok well you're a good friend to look out for him."

And he was like... "No,  I'm looking out for you, I wanted to warn you!"

Ack... red flags. 

So I met him at a coffee shop, and I walked in and he seemed like he pretended not to see me, like he looked away really fast.  He ended up buying me a latte... (whoot, I usually have to pay!) and we sat down and chatted. 

Well, he chatted anyhow. 

I can't say that he talked for the whole 3 hours... but he talked for 95% of the 3 hours. He did ask me a few things about myself, granted. He asked me what I like to do with my spare time, and I said I like to read, travel, hang out, see movies... and he was just staring at me like I said the wrong answers or something and I was like well, I don't know what else to tell you! Then he gave me a LECTURE on how I'm a defensive person and in order to have a conversation he has to ask me questions, and I have to respond to them... that's what a conversation is and I don't need to get defensive. He actually did DIVA hands and turned his body away from me during this lecture. What the Literal  Fuck? What a condescending asshole. 

So I was sitting there, trying to figure this guy out.  He asked me some questions, and interrupted me each time to ONE UP and talk about himself some more. Asked me why I'm not using my college degree. (I had a career before I went to college, I went for fun, not for a good job prospect). Like, I don't know what else to say about this guy. He was good looking BUT. HE. SMELLED. He smelled like hardcore B.O. Why? Did he not shower? Did he come from the gym? Omg why.

He smelled like B.O and he was a 42 year old guy that goes to clubs with 20 somethings to feel young again and hit on women. The best years of my life so far were not spent at Barry T's so I can't relate... haha mine were spent on beaches in thailand and climbing the great wall of china. 

I'm really super sick of going out with douchbags that talk about themselves. And I'm 36, I don't have time to waste waiting to see if a guy calls me. So, after he walks me to my car and talks about himself some more, and he just stands there and stares at me. He says nothing. ? Usually you say, ok see you around, or lets do this again, or drive safe or SOMETHING. But we stand there awkwardly, and since I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT I'm like "Ok, so if you had my phone number would you want to call me?" And Mr. Body Odour tilts his head to the side, winces and goes "um, hmmmmmm..... I don't know.... I'd have to think about it..... ummmmmmm..... well I'd maybe call you as a friend, but nothing else." 

Omg. That there was probably the most insulting thing that has ever happened to me. And one time at the dollar store I got called "Sir." 

Mr. Soccer Jersey

You know, after all these years trying to find a decent guy, I still haven't given up. I've seen 99.9% of my friends get married and live in kitchen-aid bliss. I've seen it all...

Boyfriend pics, 

ring pics, 

engagement pics, 

tbt pics, 

shower pics, 

wedding pics, 

baby bump pics, 

baby pics, 

2nd baby bump pics, 

3rd baby bump pics 

and for one lucky friend a 4th baby bump pic. I say "lucky" because the kid is adorable but you know... diapers, puke, crying... lol. And I can only imaging what happens to your vagina after 4 kids. 

It's all a little obnoxious. I'm running out of people to unfollow. But the girls doing it don't think it's obnoxious. How are they not sick of it either? Oh. It's all about competition baby. And in this game of "my life is better than yours and I can prove it," I am a loser.

Of course I'm jealous that they can brag on the internet about things that I cannot... but for now I'm enjoying my nights off and my 10 hours of un-disturbed sleep every single night. However, it still kind of sucks not having someone to take those pics of... (Oh I've got cats.) 

I haven't given up, but I haven't lowered my standards. "But how do you expect to meet someone if you won't be open to anyone?" Well. There are some men that you don't want to be open to. 

A friend texted me the other day "How would you feel about going out with a fish monger?" 

What. How is that even possible? #1 I didn't know that was a real job. I figured that fishermen just did their thing... fishmongers are real and they sell fish. However I actually hate fish and I won't eat it. Fish are supposed to feed dolphins, whales and sharks and then white people go to aquariums to look at them through glass. And then Japanese people eat them. 

Another friend knows a guy that "does crafts, and cooks." 

Hmmmm. That's kind of different. Usually you don't find that combination in straight men. But she said he goes to church, so I was like ok maybe? She said he's an engineer, so he definitely wouldn't be after me for my money. I'm laughing as I say that. And this is what happened. He emailed me mentioning that our mutual friend wanted to set us up and that he doesn't like blind dates. In fact he hates them and called them "trainwrecks". So I of course offered to dress up in a lady-suit and he could pretend to interview me for a job if that would put his mind at ease. He politely declined, but asked me out for coffee and said "I'll be the one in the soccer jersey and the ball cap." 

That just gave me the creeps right off the bat. I pictured sitting across the table from this guy wearing this jersey and I was like, ok this is not going to work for me. (for good reasons... stop judging). I ran this past a few friends and they were like honey no. I was like exactly. Because this. 

I shower for dates and put on makeup and clean clothes. I definitely put more effort into going on a date than I put into going to Walmart. And there are plenty of guys in Walmart in soccer jerseys. I actually TRY to impress the guy I am meeting with more than my sparkling wit. And this guy just GETS to roll out of bed, throw on a jersey and a CAP and meet a gorgeous girl. How fair is that? And if a guy doesn't put any effort into a first date... what's next? Using toilet paper as a coffee filter? Opening a case of beer and calling it a night? Like come on buddy if I'm not worth even combing your hair for then you are not a dateable man. 

And I am a very worthy woman. I have the vagina of a 20 year old! I am financially responsible for myself! I am fucking hilarious! And I don't drink or do drugs!  I am definitely worth a shower at least. So I messaged him back saying no thanks, I feel like I am not attracted to guys who put no effort into meeting a woman. And I included a link to a REALLY great article about what to wear on a first date. 

Never heard from him again, lol. I guess he didn't read it. But you can! Click below to up your game. 

Behold.. the Art of Manliness

The Loch Ness Monster

From Ireland I went to Scotland. The land of manly accents and calf muscles. I had no idea that the National animal of Scotland is the FLIPPING UNICORN. How bad ass is that? They don't even exist.

Today's activity! 

Take out a pen and paper and write your top 5-10 perfect man characteristics. Don't be shy. I know that they're already brimming on the edge of your cerebral cortex and you've always wanted an excuse to write them down but haven't because you're scared your boyfriend will find the list and use it against you. Maybe break up with you and return your birthday gift to the store.

So write them down now. DO IT NOW!!!

Then hold it up to my list to see if we are twinsies.

Imaginary Man List:
Dark hair
Green eyes
5'9". Also acceptable 5'7", 5'8" and 5'10".
Nice shoes that aren't Tom's shoes.
Sexy forearms and calves.
Sexy Scottish accent
Sense of humour
Over 30
Has a car, house or a credit card.
Super flirty all the time.

Twinsies? No?

Whatever is on your list... I actually don't care because this blog is about me anyhow. So the odds of meeting someone who embodies this list is pretty rare. I count my lucky stars that my expectations are so low that I found a match. Notice I didn't list an IQ or education or anything?

So I took a bus tour of the Scottish countryside. I figured it would be mostly like the ones I took in Ireland- full of old people and lesbians. But no! I didn't notice that the slogan of this tour was "wild and sexy" and thus attracting young people!

Note: I was almost the oldest person there but because of my converse, skinny jeans and toque no one guessed. Thanks Forever 21!

The drivers on this tour were two smoking hot Scottish men. Shortbread wrapped in plaid. Like the full meal deal super sized. Braveheart in 2014... just not Mel Gibson style (man he's old). And because I get motion sick I always sit up front. On the drivers lap. Just kidding. But spending a week chatting with men who were born earlier than 1985 was extremely pleasant. I had forgotten that people in their 30's know lots of things that I know and we can talk about those things. For example, these guys saw Train spotting and the Matrix in the movie theatre. Probably Back to the Future too, but I didn't ask. I just figured they grew up wrestling bears in the Scottish wilderness with muscled forearms.

But I digress. So by now you remember I don't drink alcohol. But in the United Kingdom where the national animal IS A FLIPPING UNICORN... I drink. That's right. All my friends that are Pentecostal perked right up! Haha. Am I wrong? But yes. I drink in Scotland. So what you do if you are in AA is go to the bartender and get them to pour a bottle of non alcoholic Becks beer into a glass. Bingo. Nobody makes fun of you for not drinking alcohol because it looks like you are! It's super easy to make people think you're drunk too. Just smear your eyeliner around, be all sweaty and swear a lot. I'm really good at this because that's how I am in real life.

So I spent my nights in the pub with the hot Scottish men. One of them was eye candy and all the 20 year olds wore low cut tanks and shimmied and crowded around him, and to tell you the truth I sat there and made fun of them with the other Scottish guy. Who basically was everything on my aforementioned list.

Please remember by now my friends and family think that I am some sort of weird Christian nun (who swears a lot) or a lesbian (who can't get a girlfriend) so it's perfectly ok for me to be flattered by a smoking hot Scottish man who says things like "I've always wanted to see a Canadian beaver" while giving me saucy looks in the rearview mirror. Or my personal favourite, "Would ye like to see ma loch ness monster lass?"

So after chatting with this guy and telling him about my life back in Canada... He stops me and says "You're quite the lone wolf now aren't you lass? Why don't you take the night off and join me in my room for a wee spell?"

Oh man.

Being invited to a hotel room of your fantasy man is the ultimate offer. It's like if you were visiting L.A in the 90's and Brandon Walsh or Dylan McKay invited you to one of their rooms to listen to a tape. Or if it were 1989 and you went to a party hosted by the New Kids on the Block and Donny Walberg asked you to rebraid his rat tail. Or if it were the late 90s and Jordan Catalano left his plaid shirt casually in your house and you sleep in it everyday for a week and go out and smell 40 different mens cologne samples at the Bay to try to match the scent so you can buy yourself a bottle and spray all your pyjamas every night. (And your pillow). So it's like that.

And for a girl this damn old it's pretty tempting. 

I've seen quite a few ladies in my age group settle for men that absolutely don't deserve them, or have one night stands that broke their hearts... sometimes left them as single moms. My heart goes out to these situations because it's easy to take your eyes off the Cross and just go with it. So I'll be honest. I was absolutely tempted to join this hot hot man in his hotel room. I really only had a split second to decide. I thought to myself... "Is this really what you want to do?" Answer... "Heck yes, actually." But... "Is this the kind of woman you are?" Nope I'm not. I would have regret it for the rest of my life most likely and been heartbroken. I told him that he was too drunk for company and I went back to my room alone. 

And I cried for two days. I hiked up a volcano that morning and stopped every five minutes because I couldn't see where I was going. The next morning, I climbed it again but I didn't feel any better. What can I say? Sometimes life sucks and you don't get what you want and you don't know why you don't get what you want. But you just have to keep trusting that God has your best interests at heart and that when you're not looking out for yourself, He probably is. 

And of course since that day I keep wondering (obsessing) about the context of "Lone wolf." 

Really? Lone wolf? Coincidently those two words would make excellent knuckle tattoos.