Mr. Body Odour

So I noticed Mr. Body Odour on Plenty of Fish and he looked like a nice enough good looking guy. We exchanged quite a few messages, and he seemed really cool and friendly, and witty and nice. We made plans to meet for coffee at a coffee shop where I have had no less than 3 blind dates before. I didn't pick it.

We have a few friends in common, and right before this date one of his friends mentioned that this guy is really opinionated and that he's been single all his life. I was like, "Ok well you're a good friend to look out for him."

And he was like... "No,  I'm looking out for you, I wanted to warn you!"

Ack... red flags. 

So I met him at a coffee shop, and I walked in and he seemed like he pretended not to see me, like he looked away really fast.  He ended up buying me a latte... (whoot, I usually have to pay!) and we sat down and chatted. 

Well, he chatted anyhow. 

I can't say that he talked for the whole 3 hours... but he talked for 95% of the 3 hours. He did ask me a few things about myself, granted. He asked me what I like to do with my spare time, and I said I like to read, travel, hang out, see movies... and he was just staring at me like I said the wrong answers or something and I was like well, I don't know what else to tell you! Then he gave me a LECTURE on how I'm a defensive person and in order to have a conversation he has to ask me questions, and I have to respond to them... that's what a conversation is and I don't need to get defensive. He actually did DIVA hands and turned his body away from me during this lecture. What the Literal  Fuck? What a condescending asshole. 

So I was sitting there, trying to figure this guy out.  He asked me some questions, and interrupted me each time to ONE UP and talk about himself some more. Asked me why I'm not using my college degree. (I had a career before I went to college, I went for fun, not for a good job prospect). Like, I don't know what else to say about this guy. He was good looking BUT. HE. SMELLED. He smelled like hardcore B.O. Why? Did he not shower? Did he come from the gym? Omg why.

He smelled like B.O and he was a 42 year old guy that goes to clubs with 20 somethings to feel young again and hit on women. The best years of my life so far were not spent at Barry T's so I can't relate... haha mine were spent on beaches in thailand and climbing the great wall of china. 

I'm really super sick of going out with douchbags that talk about themselves. And I'm 36, I don't have time to waste waiting to see if a guy calls me. So, after he walks me to my car and talks about himself some more, and he just stands there and stares at me. He says nothing. ? Usually you say, ok see you around, or lets do this again, or drive safe or SOMETHING. But we stand there awkwardly, and since I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT I'm like "Ok, so if you had my phone number would you want to call me?" And Mr. Body Odour tilts his head to the side, winces and goes "um, hmmmmmm..... I don't know.... I'd have to think about it..... ummmmmmm..... well I'd maybe call you as a friend, but nothing else." 

Omg. That there was probably the most insulting thing that has ever happened to me. And one time at the dollar store I got called "Sir." 

Mr. Soccer Jersey

You know, after all these years trying to find a decent guy, I still haven't given up. I've seen 99.9% of my friends get married and live in kitchen-aid bliss. I've seen it all...

Boyfriend pics, 

ring pics, 

engagement pics, 

tbt pics, 

shower pics, 

wedding pics, 

baby bump pics, 

baby pics, 

2nd baby bump pics, 

3rd baby bump pics 

and for one lucky friend a 4th baby bump pic. I say "lucky" because the kid is adorable but you know... diapers, puke, crying... lol. And I can only imaging what happens to your vagina after 4 kids. 

It's all a little obnoxious. I'm running out of people to unfollow. But the girls doing it don't think it's obnoxious. How are they not sick of it either? Oh. It's all about competition baby. And in this game of "my life is better than yours and I can prove it," I am a loser.

Of course I'm jealous that they can brag on the internet about things that I cannot... but for now I'm enjoying my nights off and my 10 hours of un-disturbed sleep every single night. However, it still kind of sucks not having someone to take those pics of... (Oh I've got cats.) 

I haven't given up, but I haven't lowered my standards. "But how do you expect to meet someone if you won't be open to anyone?" Well. There are some men that you don't want to be open to. 

A friend texted me the other day "How would you feel about going out with a fish monger?" 

What. How is that even possible? #1 I didn't know that was a real job. I figured that fishermen just did their thing... fishmongers are real and they sell fish. However I actually hate fish and I won't eat it. Fish are supposed to feed dolphins, whales and sharks and then white people go to aquariums to look at them through glass. And then Japanese people eat them. 

Another friend knows a guy that "does crafts, and cooks." 

Hmmmm. That's kind of different. Usually you don't find that combination in straight men. But she said he goes to church, so I was like ok maybe? She said he's an engineer, so he definitely wouldn't be after me for my money. I'm laughing as I say that. And this is what happened. He emailed me mentioning that our mutual friend wanted to set us up and that he doesn't like blind dates. In fact he hates them and called them "trainwrecks". So I of course offered to dress up in a lady-suit and he could pretend to interview me for a job if that would put his mind at ease. He politely declined, but asked me out for coffee and said "I'll be the one in the soccer jersey and the ball cap." 

That just gave me the creeps right off the bat. I pictured sitting across the table from this guy wearing this jersey and I was like, ok this is not going to work for me. (for good reasons... stop judging). I ran this past a few friends and they were like honey no. I was like exactly. Because this. 

I shower for dates and put on makeup and clean clothes. I definitely put more effort into going on a date than I put into going to Walmart. And there are plenty of guys in Walmart in soccer jerseys. I actually TRY to impress the guy I am meeting with more than my sparkling wit. And this guy just GETS to roll out of bed, throw on a jersey and a CAP and meet a gorgeous girl. How fair is that? And if a guy doesn't put any effort into a first date... what's next? Using toilet paper as a coffee filter? Opening a case of beer and calling it a night? Like come on buddy if I'm not worth even combing your hair for then you are not a dateable man. 

And I am a very worthy woman. I have the vagina of a 20 year old! I am financially responsible for myself! I am fucking hilarious! And I don't drink or do drugs!  I am definitely worth a shower at least. So I messaged him back saying no thanks, I feel like I am not attracted to guys who put no effort into meeting a woman. And I included a link to a REALLY great article about what to wear on a first date. 

Never heard from him again, lol. I guess he didn't read it. But you can! Click below to up your game. 

Behold.. the Art of Manliness

Mr Sweatpants.

I haven't posted in a bit because I went on exactly 3 dates with exactly 3 losers in 2014 and it was so depressing I almost couldn't write about it. But I just got home from another disgusting waste of time date, so I was like... ok... what's in the archives?

Mr. Sweatpants. 

I found myself shopping checking online on the dating sites to see what's what. Not much to be honest. I find that on sites like "Plenty of Fish" people click the "Christian" box when they are a) not catholic, b) think they should click it so they can go to heaven, or c) click it so they get more people looking at their profiles. Either way if someone makes no mention of God in their profile, I usually skip it. We talk about what's important to us and I feel like that should be on there.

I exchanged a few emails with a guy... lets call him Mr. Sweatpants. He seemed nice, normal, a little boring but it's honestly hard to tell without meeting someone in person. I just like to get it over with asap, so since I found myself working at an outdoor festival this summer- I was like hey come on by and say hi! (Not my best move...)

He said that he would come check out the festival, and I showed my friends his profile picture and said to watch out for him. Unfortunately they saw him before I did! They told me they saw a guy in sweatpants riding a bike around. Oh man. Sweatpants? I don't know the logic behind that decision.

I'm not a guy, but... would you think it makes a good impression to
a) be dressed like a 5 year old child?
b) give the impression you have been sweating?
c) have a pork sword flopping around like that?

And no... they weren't cool sweatpants as per the fall 2014 fashion season. They were forrest green and didn't match his shirt. So I am pretty much automatically turned off by this. No effort at all to look nice or clean when you meet someone. Plus, he rode his bike right in my booth, (NO!) and interrupted me with customers, and basically made an A.D.D nuisance of himself. After a long, boring monologue about a forklift... he got on his bike and rode away. But then he came by and offered me some fruit. I don't know where he got the fruit, but I know better than to accept fruit from a guy in sweatpants on a bike. And I never saw him again.

Fast Forward a year later... and my friends saw him milling around at my work, so what do I do? I hide under my table. 

The Loch Ness Monster

From Ireland I went to Scotland. The land of manly accents and calf muscles. I had no idea that the National animal of Scotland is the FLIPPING UNICORN. How bad ass is that? They don't even exist.

Today's activity! 

Take out a pen and paper and write your top 5-10 perfect man characteristics. Don't be shy. I know that they're already brimming on the edge of your cerebral cortex and you've always wanted an excuse to write them down but haven't because you're scared your boyfriend will find the list and use it against you. Maybe break up with you and return your birthday gift to the store.

So write them down now. DO IT NOW!!!

Then hold it up to my list to see if we are twinsies.

Imaginary Man List:
Dark hair
Green eyes
5'9". Also acceptable 5'7", 5'8" and 5'10".
Nice shoes that aren't Tom's shoes.
Sexy forearms and calves.
Sexy Scottish accent
Sense of humour
Over 30
Has a car, house or a credit card.
Super flirty all the time.

Twinsies? No?

Whatever is on your list... I actually don't care because this blog is about me anyhow. So the odds of meeting someone who embodies this list is pretty rare. I count my lucky stars that my expectations are so low that I found a match. Notice I didn't list an IQ or education or anything?

So I took a bus tour of the Scottish countryside. I figured it would be mostly like the ones I took in Ireland- full of old people and lesbians. But no! I didn't notice that the slogan of this tour was "wild and sexy" and thus attracting young people!

Note: I was almost the oldest person there but because of my converse, skinny jeans and toque no one guessed. Thanks Forever 21!

The drivers on this tour were two smoking hot Scottish men. Shortbread wrapped in plaid. Like the full meal deal super sized. Braveheart in 2014... just not Mel Gibson style (man he's old). And because I get motion sick I always sit up front. On the drivers lap. Just kidding. But spending a week chatting with men who were born earlier than 1985 was extremely pleasant. I had forgotten that people in their 30's know lots of things that I know and we can talk about those things. For example, these guys saw Train spotting and the Matrix in the movie theatre. Probably Back to the Future too, but I didn't ask. I just figured they grew up wrestling bears in the Scottish wilderness with muscled forearms.

But I digress. So by now you remember I don't drink alcohol. But in the United Kingdom where the national animal IS A FLIPPING UNICORN... I drink. That's right. All my friends that are Pentecostal perked right up! Haha. Am I wrong? But yes. I drink in Scotland. So what you do if you are in AA is go to the bartender and get them to pour a bottle of non alcoholic Becks beer into a glass. Bingo. Nobody makes fun of you for not drinking alcohol because it looks like you are! It's super easy to make people think you're drunk too. Just smear your eyeliner around, be all sweaty and swear a lot. I'm really good at this because that's how I am in real life.

So I spent my nights in the pub with the hot Scottish men. One of them was eye candy and all the 20 year olds wore low cut tanks and shimmied and crowded around him, and to tell you the truth I sat there and made fun of them with the other Scottish guy. Who basically was everything on my aforementioned list.

Please remember by now my friends and family think that I am some sort of weird Christian nun (who swears a lot) or a lesbian (who can't get a girlfriend) so it's perfectly ok for me to be flattered by a smoking hot Scottish man who says things like "I've always wanted to see a Canadian beaver" while giving me saucy looks in the rearview mirror. Or my personal favourite, "Would ye like to see ma loch ness monster lass?"

So after chatting with this guy and telling him about my life back in Canada... He stops me and says "You're quite the lone wolf now aren't you lass? Why don't you take the night off and join me in my room for a wee spell?"

Oh man.

Being invited to a hotel room of your fantasy man is the ultimate offer. It's like if you were visiting L.A in the 90's and Brandon Walsh or Dylan McKay invited you to one of their rooms to listen to a tape. Or if it were 1989 and you went to a party hosted by the New Kids on the Block and Donny Walberg asked you to rebraid his rat tail. Or if it were the late 90s and Jordan Catalano left his plaid shirt casually in your house and you sleep in it everyday for a week and go out and smell 40 different mens cologne samples at the Bay to try to match the scent so you can buy yourself a bottle and spray all your pyjamas every night. (And your pillow). So it's like that.

And for a girl this damn old it's pretty tempting. 

I've seen quite a few ladies in my age group settle for men that absolutely don't deserve them, or have one night stands that broke their hearts... sometimes left them as single moms. My heart goes out to these situations because it's easy to take your eyes off the Cross and just go with it. So I'll be honest. I was absolutely tempted to join this hot hot man in his hotel room. I really only had a split second to decide. I thought to myself... "Is this really what you want to do?" Answer... "Heck yes, actually." But... "Is this the kind of woman you are?" Nope I'm not. I would have regret it for the rest of my life most likely and been heartbroken. I told him that he was too drunk for company and I went back to my room alone. 

And I cried for two days. I hiked up a volcano that morning and stopped every five minutes because I couldn't see where I was going. The next morning, I climbed it again but I didn't feel any better. What can I say? Sometimes life sucks and you don't get what you want and you don't know why you don't get what you want. But you just have to keep trusting that God has your best interests at heart and that when you're not looking out for yourself, He probably is. 

And of course since that day I keep wondering (obsessing) about the context of "Lone wolf." 

Really? Lone wolf? Coincidently those two words would make excellent knuckle tattoos. 

In case you didn't know... the moulin rouge is topless.

I've always wondered what kind of person has absolutely no personality or imagination and needs to google "Top 10 date ideas" to find things to do. I guess that's better than taking a girl to a McDonald's drive thru or making her watch you do martial arts. But according to ASK MEN this is the top 10 things to do on a date:

Bowling.

Hiking.

Aquarium.

The Theatre.

Driving Range.

Art Gallery.

Local Music Show.

Play Tourist.

Ice Skating.

Try new Cuisine.

Well. There you have it. The limits of a mans imagination. I've done all these things on dates, with the exception of a driving range. If I'm going to be hitting balls with a stick on a date it's going to have to be vandalism in order to have fun. Is it just me or is golf not the most boring sport?  Dude that's BORING. Go burn some flipping calories already like a smelly sweaty man that's playing a real sport. Of course I'm pretty sure that guys take girls bowling to check out their bums without being noticed.

So I made a list of things NOT to do on a first date. 

Go golfing.

Eat ribs.

A family event.  

Sports bar. 

X rated movie. 

Strip club. 

Funeral. 

McDonald's. 

Go to a topless show. 

Of course these things SHOULD be common sense. But you know. 

When I was in Paris there were probably TENS OF THOUSANDS of happy couples there, all doing the same things that I was doing. Romantic walks, visits to art galleries, eating in tiny cafe's, strolling, people watching, sketching, french movies, shopping... etc. People kissing everywhere. I saw so many tongues I felt like I was in a butcher shop. I started to kind of feel lonely a bit... it kind of sucks going to one of the most romantic cities in the world by yourself.

So I decided to treat myself and take myself on a date to the theatre! The Moulin Rouge in fact. It was super expensive even though I bought the ticket without the drink option. I loved the movie, and I was super excited to go to the show. For some reason... I thought it would be similar to the movie.

First they led me into a grand theatre full of happy people (on dates) with cute little tables with tablecloths, red lamps on the tables and glitz everywhere. Then they led me to a bare table under the stairs in the corner where you couldn't see the stage. I was like "Dude.. I don't think so." And they pretended not to understand English. I decided to just suck it up and not complain. Then they seated this old Russian lady in a huge puffy sweater with bad breath next to me to be my date! YAY! I guess that singles have to stick together. She showed me all her photos of all the same attractions I went to on the worlds slowest, smallest screened digital camera from the 80's. And she would NOT take a mint. I offered twice.

When the show finally started and the room was full of happy couples holding hands across the table and making Disney eyes at each other and the Russian lady had stopped playing footsie with me I realised something. THIS WAS A TOPLESS SHOW. I'd like to make a joke about not seeing that much silicone outside of home depot but they were not fakes! I was pretty stunned. I had no idea that the show was topless but you know... it's not something that I've never seen before. I have two of them myself and I see them all the time. And that was the moment that I was pretty relieved that I wasn't on a date. WHO TAKES A DATE TO A TOPLESS SHOW? SERIOUSLY? SO AWKWARD.

After spending 99 euros on a show where they lip sync to English songs, can't afford to buy the dancers bikini tops, get treated like a second class citizen seated in the worst seat in the theatre... I thought back to some of my bad dates and realised that some weren't as bad as this experience. And then the stage of the Moulin rouge turned into an AQUARIUM FULL OF YELLOW PYTHONS SWIMMING IN WATER and as a topless women jumped into the tank to swim with them... I realised that this was probably the worst date I've ever been on. Had a guy ever taken me to a topless show where we sat in the worst seats and the room was full of snakes I probably wouldn't call him again. And I would have done exactly what I did... left early, went home to my hostel alone and marvelled at my own stupidity.

A German Breakfast in France.

Oh my gosh. So I went to France.

The thing about France is that EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction. Moulin Rouge, the Louvre, Eiffel Tower... crawling with people. Everywhere you go you can't really get a moments peace and enjoy yourself unless.... you get up at 5 am in order to get there before everyone else does. I tried this. I'm not a morning person by any means but I did it. Woke up at 5, and was downstairs for breakfast by 6.

The man that served breakfast in my hostel was really creepy. And really French. He would watch you to make sure you only took one croissant and one day he frowned at me taking 2 sugar cubes and on my 6 am early day he saw me coming and REMOVED the sugar before I could take one. Then he pretended he didn't know English when I was like, Dude I can't drink this tea without sugar.

So this random German guy offered to share his honey. I usually don't accept food from strangers but since he was using it I thought it was probably ok. And part of travelling is getting out of your comfort zone and eating mysterious honey and talking to strangers at 6 am is definitely out of my comfort zone.

So I asked this guy why he was up at 6am and he said he hadn't been to bed yet, because they were at the club all night and then drank "many bottles of wine" outside on the sidewalk. His English (for a drunk guy) was actually really good, and he was actually really good looking. Tall, blond, beardy, strapping German lad. All he was missing was the Laederhosen! They don't make guys like that in Canada... and if they do they're in the woods somewhere because I can't find them.

So my new German friend invited me to his room to drink "bottles of wine" with his friends. Hell no. I was like "Oh, sorry I'm meeting my friend, I'm going to Versailles today!" I mean... it's 6am. Do you really think I have time to become a statistic and miss my grand tour of Europe because I'm skinned alive in a creepy hostel in france? Actually... it was a really nice design hostel.

So instead my new German friend invited me to come to Germany! "You must come to Germany and stay at my house and we will go to nightclubs! Germany has the best clubs and we will dance!" He gave me his phone number in Berlin... his address... he told me which train to take and all that jazz. I was kind of regretting putting makeup on.

(This is the best part.)

Then he made a sandwich and beat boxed for me. When I say that he "beat boxed" what I mean is that he said "boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants" over and over again... while doing a rave dance shuffle and eating a sandwich.

And I never saw him again...

Vegan Man.

I was on the phone with a friend and she mentioned she wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. I didn't say anything, and changed the subject. Then she mentioned it again another day and I reminded her that I only date Christian men. She said "Oh, he believes in God!" which could mean many things actually. A lot of people believe in a higher power, or a god, or demi gods, or Hindu gods, or that God is a woman or some kind of different theology or the power of goodness or something like that. There are so many options out there, and we are all different types of people. But I prefer the guys that believe that Jesus is the one true way to salvation... in a nutshell: basic Christian beliefs. So my standards might be high to some people, or low depending on how you look at it.

She ended up texting me three pictures of him.

The first one was totally normal, but sunglasses so he could have been anyone off the street. Jack black probably.

The second one was a sports picture, and it looked like he was punching himself in the face, tongue out, with crossed eyes.

The third one was probably from high school so almost 20 years ago... and he looked like Harry Potter.

All the pictures looked like three different people, so I had no idea what this guy could look like and I really wasn't planning on going any further with it.

So, I'm at the mall the day before I leave on a backpacking trip to the UK and Europe. I'm like totally in a hurry and I'm like, "I need to buy an iPad or SOMETHING!!!!!!" so I had no makeup on, unwashed hair, wearing clothes that I actually did sleep in the day before. I probably smelled terrible, no accessories and the day before I got a bad haircut where she actually scalped my bangs. I honestly don't think that I even brushed my teeth. (Shut up, you've done it). AND then I get a text!

"Hey, want to meet my friend? Come to this vegetarian restaurant in an hour!"

Oh man. So, I go to Sephora and slap makeup on my face, find some body spray at Target that makes me smell like a baby prostitute, and scour my car for abandoned earrings or necklaces or something to make me look less like a hobo.

Or I could have just said no. But, I was curious as to what this guy was like and I'm always up for a blind date. Even though it wasn't a date... BECAUSE MY FRIEND WAS THE CHAPERONE! Every single set up or blind date I've had, it was just me and the guy... I've never had a set up where my friends come on the date too! Hahahhahaha.

Literally the most awkward meet that I've ever had. This guy looked NOTHING like any of the three different guys in the photos. He almost never spoke to me, and basically spoke just to our mutual friend. He looked like the typical beer drinking oil field worker that runs rampant in our great state of Alberta, Canada. I'm sure he is a decent person but the only way you get to draw out a shy person in conversation is by being alone with them. Then they are pretty much forced to talk to you... or at least avoid looking at you and make it awkward on their account.

SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT GUYS. STILL SINGLE.

Plus, I threw up all the vegetarian food I ate as soon as I got home. So gross. Pre formed vegan "meat" full of chemicals and deep fried? I thought vegetarians tried to be healthy, but I was so wrong! If my body is rejecting vegan chemical food it's a good thing I didn't respond to Vegan Man's facebook request.

What's funny is that my bff made an offhand comment a week ago "Oh you know where you can find a lot of single guys? On flights to Fort Mac". Thanks but no thanks.

Back in Business...

Hey Fans! I've had so many concerned emails...

"Where are you?"

"Hey this is funny... anymore dates?"

"Did you stop dating?"

"Did you get married or something?"

WOW. I had 78! emails from fans asking about me and telling me how much they love my horrid dating blog in my absence from posting. Plus my real friends in my real life were asking about it! Sorry guys. I have a life, or somewhat of a life.

I finished a bachelors degree and I was really stressed out, taking twice the amount of classes to graduate (with honours) and on time.

Then I laid around and watched netflix.

Then I started travelling.

Not much time for frivolous blind dating during that time, and remember that I've dated most of the men in my town already. Although I did have a somewhat blind date before I left on a backpacking trip. I'll post it this week....

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN VOLUME 2

Sometimes I get surprised by the feedback about the blog. Some friends in NYC that I visited told me that they sat in front of the computer all night reading the blog and peeing their pants. Flattering.

Another time I gave a ride to a random person, who realized who I was, and screamed out "You write the blind date blog! All my friends would read it during history class when we were bored!" Well, I can't blame you for being interested. It IS history after all. Just the bad kind, like communism or Hitlers to-do list.

Online dating isn't really working for me this time... I've only met psychopaths so far. READ ON.

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN? VOLUME II
Option 1) Hey, I'm James and I'm from Edmonton. I'm a nice guy who likes making people laugh, and I grew up on a farm. I'm not your typical guy.

On a first date: well, assuming that this was a girl that I'd been talking to for a while so it was a real date (a "test things out" date would be like "lunch") I would take her out for something to do like bowling although I never go and I suck at it, or to the driving range to share a bucket of balls, because I never go and I suck at it. Lol, either way I'd have fun. Then I'd take her too see something, maybe live theatre at the citadel as long as it was something funny instead of some story about transvestites or something which they always seem to have playing. Or maybe live comedy at the comic strip, but that depends on the girl because they're pretty uncouth. Next, I'd take her out for dinner, I would say to Japanese village because it's my favorite and they flip knives and stuff but that's more of a third or fourth date thing...too bad. Smokin Joes is pretty good, or else Kyoto Sushi if she's into that because it's the best sushi in town. Then I'd drive her home and if the date went well I'd pop my trunk and give her the flowers. Might seem odd, but it'll catch her totally off guard because flowers are a beginning of a date thing, but to hell with that. Then if the date doesn't go well, they go in the garbage. This way if it doesn't go well, I can give them to my mom or sister or something.

Option 2) The best way to describe me is "mercurial"! I am moving, restless, seeking, and learning. I am constantly in motion, a torrent of wind! I`m intellectual and won`t hesitate to play games with my lover, only child`s play though! I am a great communicator, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, I may move from one relationship to the next until I find the one which is as smart as I am and able to keep up with my high-spirited personality. The reward for those who lasso me is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. And I`m also ambidextrous...oooooh

On a first date: I'm down for anything... 

Option 3) Your profile says "just ask" but nobody ever answers. "Just ask" what? O-o

Im ranked as one of the top ten Instrumental Composers in Canada (Source: Reverb Nation). Im working on an instrumental album for 2013. Think "Timbaland" meets "David Guetta" meets "Skrillex" meets Katy Perry. Im very busy doing the work of between 20 and 30 people so basically it's not that I don't have a life its just creating music IS my life. I hope to find someone as passionate about creating music as I am, even more!

If you pass me over because I chose to live at home instead of living in a sh#tty apartment like 60% of you do then that's your loss. I got money in the bank, I have a car, I could buy you a car and a trip to Honolulu if I wanted to, I dont have to deal with sh%tty neighbors, I have no debt, I own several website domain names I might sell in the future, I have a job, actually 3 jobs because I stock trade as well. Im a very nice guy, TOO nice but you would never know that because you never reply to my messages or read my profile.

I'm average height. Husky build. I look intimidating but I'm a teddy bear. By "other ethnicity" I mean "who gives a care what your ethnicity is?"

On a first date:  NOTE: He just left that blank, so I call it foreshadowing. 


GOD HELP US ALL. 

Mr. Trombone

So one time I stalked a guy on the Internet until he went out with me. For real... this was even before Internet dating existed!


Sometimes girls waste time at sleepovers talking about the guy they want to marry. I know, guys always think sleepovers are all pillow-fights in sexy underwear.... well. It is. We just took a break. While the feathers settled on our sexy dewy skin.... we discussed "The List."

At this time in my life really the only thing on my list was "NOT a crackhead." Except that I really liked Ska music and I told all my friends that I was going to marry a trombone player.

2 weeks later guess what happened?

I MET a trombone player in a ska band at some show somewhere that I can't remember anymore. He wasn't particularly good looking, decent, but with bad hair. Really bad hair. Like, he put it into a top ponytail and just cut it off, then let it fall where it may. He opened up the convo with "Hey, do you like Ska?" so he was basically IN. However, to my chagrin he DIDN'T ask me for my phone number.

No matter. I can stalk him on the Internets.

I went on his band's web page, and emailed them all asking them if this guy had a girlfriend. I never heard back. So, I emailed him asking him out for coffee. WEEKS passed and he emailed back... and we agreed to meet up. I can't remember where, or when but we started hanging out a bit. I soon learned that all his band mates called me "the creepy Internet girl." Well, I guess it was true, at least. It was pretty creepy to do that. I admit it. But that's because I really AM that creepy and just restrain myself most days.

So after hanging out a bit, phone talking... that kind of thing, I invited him to be my date at a Christmas banquet. Except... this guy didn't have a drivers license and I had to pick him up. Not from his house, from this weird obscure place across town that I drove past 5 times on a one way to try to find it. By the time I picked him up, I realised that this was not a love match. Even though he had put on some snazzy John Fluevog shoes, he still didn't comb his hair. It looked the worst it had ever looked, and I was actually embarrassed to take this guy. Because I had to babysit him all night at the table, I didn't get to visit with any of my friends at all... who were convinced that he "Like-Liked" me because come on... banquets suck. You don't go to a banquet with someone unless you like them.

Halfway through the meal I went to the ladies room. I came back, and MY FOOD WAS GONE. He had told the servers I was done. Come on.... that's insane. I was too nervous to eat all day and the best part of the night was stolen and scraped into a garbage can. Sigh.

So after it was over, he flat out refused to come out to a coffee shop with me and my friends. Not a big deal, but it was a tradition and I was disappointed that I had to take this baby home. We get in the car and he says he's thirsty. Sigh. We go to a Denny's.

While we sat there chit chatting I started to get the ska out of my eyes. I realised that almost everything he said was really condescending. He would say something, then stop himself and say "Oh yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that... " in a really annoying tone of voice. Buddy... YOU CAN'T DRIVE... WHO'S THE STUPID ONE HERE? I figured that I wasn't planning on calling this guy up ever again, but I did want to figure out if he did "like-like" me.

So what does the creepy Internet girl do? I just flat out asked him. His reply kind of shocked me.

"No, I know you too well to like you."

??? What! ???

Did you just say that?

Out loud?

Buddy. I don't know if you were raised by monkeys but that's cold. And Rude.

I really had to force myself to drive him to his house. Didn't want to do it, but that was in the early days before I got screwed around a lot and knew better.

Funny thing though, I ended up working for his sister after that and she agreed that her bro was kind of an ass. Sometimes it doesn't matter if a guy wears nice shoes.... kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or, in this case an ass in sheep's clothing. Explains the hair. 

How to Rebound in 30 minutes or less!

Sometimes dates don't last very long. 


This was an attempt at dating again after breaking up with a guy that I actually liked. I'll write about him another time. For now.... lets talk about "Rebound Guy."


"Rebounding" defined is "Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship". From Wikipedia, so it doesn't count for APA formatting. 


I deny being mentally incapable of making a reasonable decision. I was like, ok.... it's been a couple months... lets get back to it. That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Besides, online dating is like sticking your hand into a bucket of fish, you never know what you will grab. Might be good, might be rotten... but you never know unless you try. I'm starting to think I'm allergic to fish though. 


I met this guy at a coffee shop not that far from my house. Sometimes I get annoyed that I have to drive across town to have a bad date, it's much more convenient to just go a few blocks. He was ok looking, and was wearing nice clothes, at least. This was before plaid shirts really came back into style, so I thought he was a bit farmer like, and I kept calling him "Farmer Ted" in my mind like from "16 candles."
He was actually pretty funny, and we were maybe only 10 minutes into the date when he got this painful expression on his face and got up and went to the bathroom. All of a sudden it smelled like fart where he was sitting. Hmmm. 


I waited. 


I waited some more. 


This was before iPhones existed, so I just sat there doing nothing, checking my crappy nokia for the time. Thank goodness there was a second coffee cup on the table, otherwise it would have looked like I got stood up. However, if I was a crazy person it looked like I had an imaginary friend. Not sure which is worse. I waited nearly half an hour for this guy to come out of the bathroom. I kind of figured that this was maybe not a good time for him. I mean... half an hour? I got up and went to the counter and told the Starbucks people that my date has been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes and I was leaving, so if they could check to see if he was still alive. I figured that he would be too embarrassed to come back to the table anyhow, so this was best... 


Never heard from him again. 


Maybe he died?

Mr. Grabby hands.

hahahhaahha...

I had totally forgotten about this one until I looked through a box of movies to throw away. Someone gave me a VHS a long time ago that brought back some bad memories.

I had gone out with a friend from work, who made it kind of obvious after he picked me up that he had a crush on me. How do I know this? I got into the car and he said "I'm so glad we are going to a movie, I've had a crush on you for a long time." Oh. Smooth. Not awkward at all.

So we get to the movie theatre and he really wants to see "Something's gotta give." I am not so into it, because Jack Nicholson isn't one of my favourites, and I don't really like romantic movies that much. Just because my estrogen outnumbers my testosterone doesn't mean that I want to see people making out all the time. I'd rather see someone get stabbed.

I had no idea what the movie was about, but popcorn usually makes me pretty happy.

This guy spent the first half of the movie with his hand upturned on the arm rest. I just kept mine in my lap. Then, he starts spreading out, and soon has his hand over my lap, just hovering. ??? I kept my eyes on his hand, because I wasn't sure if he needed to stretch, or if he was a pervert. He slowly lowered his arm until his hand was resting on my hands. Like in a weird way. I told him not to touch my hand because I coughed on it earlier, and I probably had a disease. He started doing the upturned hand thing on the arm rest again.

So, I wasn't really paying that much attention to the movie until Diane Keaton's FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!!!! I was like, omg, and looked away, and then I got so uncomfortable sitting there while old people are having sex, I had to leave. I mean, renting a movie and fast forwarding it is one thing, but you can't fast forward in a movie theatre. I waited in the lobby for the REST OF THE MOVIE. This guy didn't come out until the end. I don't know, if I was on a date and my date left wouldn't you offer to leave too? Ok. Screw that. I would probably stay in the theatre if I liked the movie, but obviously I didn't like seeing Diane Keaton naked as much as he did. Gross.

On the way home he kept trying to grab my hand again, and I started coughing on it some more.

He did the whole "This was great, we should do it again sometime!" thing. I just said "Well, since we've already seen that movie we don't need to see it again," and got out and left.

Bah ha ha ha. 

Bowl-a-rama! Guest Blog.

A friend just told me about a weird blind date that she had... So, yes. I am telling this story without permission, but it brings up two important dating topics.

1.) Touching someone elses food
2.) Being a Spaz.

I was highly entertained while she told me, but I was also surprised. While I will end up paying for a bill on a date while seething inwardly, she will just sit there and not make a move. Wow. That's determination. I've never thought about just sitting there and waiting... staring pointedly at the cheque. I'm usually so eager to get away and leave I'd rather just pay and get the hell out.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only person who gets put off by a little inconsequential thing. I've broken up with a guy for hugging me, giving me flowers, having large gums, dirty fingernails, laughing like a hyena... the list goes on. Sometimes I don't know if I am over-reacting, or if it's legit to dump a guy for having the most annoying laugh in the world? Could you live with a hyena?

Back to my friend... she went for Vietnamese food with her blind date. She's never had it before. She comes from Small Town Alberta. In Small Town Alberta people eat pyrogies. All the food you are raised on is actually the same colour as your plate. Chicken, rice, potatoes, perogies.. cabbage rolls... yup. Simple food. In Small Town Alberta there is the WORLDS LARGEST PYSANKA EGG. There are thousand pound pumpkin growing competitions. Alien landing pads, worlds largest pinto bean, chuckwagon,  tee-pee, moose, Star Trek spaceship, and my favourite is in my own town. The worlds largest baseball bat. People lose their licenses to a DUI... no prob. They just drive their tractor around instead. This is the land I come from. So even though there is usually a token Chinese food restaurant in Small Town Alberta... it's not real Chinese food if hamburgers are on the menu.

They ordered food, and since she has never eaten it before she just asked for "what he's having." Pretty safe to do, if it isn't going to kill him, it probably won't kill her either. When the food came, he must have been really hungry because he shovelled everything in sight into his mouth. She said that he was reaching across the table and taking food off her plate? Is that allowed? I've heard of "family style" before but shouldn't you be actually related to do that?

Afterwards he thought the date was going good.. (she did not, since his grubby fingers stole her dinner) and they went bowling.

Bowling is a fun date thing to do. I usually don't like to go bowling on a first date because I always think that my date is looking at my ass while I bowl. I know this because I am obviously staring at... OK well... lets not admit this on the Internets. Same reason I can't watch figure skating on T.V. Anyhow, my friend must not be as paranoid as I am since she donned those red and blue striped shoes.

This is the part I love the most.

She decided not to date him again because he HIGH FIVED HER AFTER EACH PIN THAT SHE KNOCKED DOWN. Can you imagine? A high five for each pin? I am a pretty crappy bowler, sometimes I only get 30 points, and on a good day I can get 70 but I get worse with each throw. I just tell people I have carpel tunnel syndrome and everyone feels sorry for me. My friend is fairly athletic, so I estimate she bowled at least 150-200. That's got to be at least 40 high fives? I kind of wish I could have watched this date on T.V. I can't imagine dating a spazzy bowler guy... he's still out there so I might get my wish.

Which is worse:

a.) Dirty hands all over your food?
b.) Wearing bowling shoes?
c.) Having rug burn on your hands?
d.) All of the above?

# 35 The date that never happened.

I had forgotten about this one, until a friend reminded me this weekend. I didn't even bother recording it in my journal, I guess I wanted to forget it as soon as it happened. I was actually really shaken up after this encounter, and I had called my friend from my car to let me come over and have her follow me to my house and walk me to the door!

This was a guy that found me online, and wanted to meet up. I checked his profile, and he was 6 foot, normal looking, a bit beefy, and had pictures of his quad, his dog, his truck, and himself- shirtless at the gym. I don't understand WHY guys do this? Do they think that it makes them seem attractive? I would rather see pictures of a guy helping old ladies across the road. One day, I'm going to BE an old lady and I will need help when my bones get as brittle as sponge toffee. Forget that... my new requirement for a date is a picture of a guy FEEDING an old lady, might as well go for the bonus round.

Usually these guys want to date tall, thin, busty blonds with lip injections that put out, so I'm not sure what attracted him in the first place. But, he said that he was a Christian on his profile and in his shirtless picture he had a Jesus fish tattoo...? Couldn't be all that bad... ???

So I was supposed to meet this guy at Moxies restaurant. It was the middle of the week, and a chilly winter night. I'm usually pretty prompt, unless there's traffic or an accident or something. It being winter, and rush hour... I gave myself an extra 20 min to get there on time. Even with that, the traffic crawled... there was a train holding us all up. Stupid trains. I pull into the parking lot, and I'm only 2 minutes late. That's not such a big deal is it? Most people would think that is actually right on time, right?

I walk into the Moxies, and the hostess helps me find this guy sitting by himself in a booth. He sees me, stands up and YELLS at the top of his voice, "WHERE THE F### HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, LOOKING LIKE AN A###### SITTING BY MYSELF HERE!!!!!"

I just stopped in my tracks, my heart started pounding and I looked at the hostess whose eyes were wide open. Everyone in the restaurant was staring open mouthed at him. I turned on my heels and RAN to my car and got in, slammed the door, locked it and started the engine and drove off as fast as I could. I probably deserved a speeding ticket that day. I called my friend and basically just said I was coming over and she could tell from the tone of my voice that something was wrong. I felt like such a baby, asking her to take me home and tuck me in, but I've got some great friends and I would do the same. Spinsters UNITE! She let me in, gave me a hug, made me hot chocolate, gave me an Oreo and sat back to listen to what happened. She's going to make a GREAT Mom one day. 

So that's that. The date that never happened.

I am going to give you some advice here...

Never date someone with serious anger issues. That's pretty obvious, but when you are in love you tend to overlook faults. Until you get a black eye or bite marks on your shoulder. Then, you justify it somehow, and even though I don't know you... you deserve better than that. My youth pastor gave me this advice, and I will never forget it.

and... it took me almost a year to go back to that particular Moxies.

The guy that licked my face in 1996.

I know that you read the title of this blog and had to look twice. That's right, I said THE GUY WHO LICKED MY FACE. And yes, this happened in 1996. Stop judging me. Right now you are semi horrified, trying to picture it in your mind... but there is no way you could really understand the horror of what happened if you didn't see it. 

I met this guy in high school, and we all know that high school dating is a step above Jr. high, but not by much. They guys basically ignore you, and never take you anywhere. Because no one is old enough to drive. It starts out with a friend, who told a friend that someones friend likes you. Then you're "dating". This just means that you talk after school on the way to the bus stop and mutter "later" and get on the bus leaving him in a cloud of toxic diesel fumes. 

I guess that's why I started dating older boys. 

I said I met him in high school, but he wasn't a student. He was just visiting a friend for the day. He had dark hair, and scruff, and was all punk rock in his ripped jeans, wallet chain and leather jacket. Immediately I had to know who this JD was. At the time I was pretty hot for JD's...  I would date anything in a mohawk that looked like bad news. (I still might actually). 

  . . . :. . .. ' ; ; ;; . . .'': . . .:: : : : : <------- that's braille for "What the heck was wrong with me?" 

Lo and behold, he asked for my number and we started dating. We went out a few times to see a movie, and then he invited me to come to his apartment. See, older boys don't live with moms and dads. I go to this guys apartment (yes, he expected to get laid). (No, I did not). Older boys have high expectations. What do I see when I walk in the door? A complete pigsty. The floors were covered in those wood shavings that you see in pet stores. He explained that his ex-girlfriend had moved out and took the animals with her. The thing is that she moved out a few months ago. MONTHS ago. Animal shavings on the rug. For months. They were everywhere. Older boys do not vacuum. To try to get rid of them, he had placed blankets over top of the shavings like he's some kind of magician. He's like, "Hey, come and sit on the floor, it's comfortable". Ugh. I was like, "Um, no... I have asthma. I think I'm allergic to your apartment. I think I should go home now". 

So we took the bus downtown and he waited with me at the terminal for my bus to come. As the faithful #9 pulls up, he says "OK, see you" and he grabs me by the shoulders and LICKS MY FACE GOODBYE. Not just a small lick on the cheek. This was a wet slobbery calculated licking of every single nook and cranny of my face. Forehead, nose, eyes, cheeks, mouth, chin. It happened so fast, and I was so stunned... I just got on the bus and went home in a state of shock. 

My tiny teenage brain knew this was definitely not normal, so I ignored his calls after this. 

I ended up seeing him 4 months later, at the same bus terminal with a girl who was pushing a stroller... and he had a tiny little baby strapped to his chest in a snuggle thing. Ugh. Chalk one up for me...Winning at Virginity!  

#41. "Free gift with purchase".

One of the wondrous things about the Internet is online shopping. You can browse, check reviews, check out different colors and fits... and have it all shipped to your house. Online dating is kind of like that. Except sometimes the product description is all wrong, and you can't get a refund.

A guy contacted me from the Internet, and wanted to meet me. His profile said he was white, blond hair, green eyes, clean-shaven, Christian, 5 foot 10, with a job, car and college degree. Wow, right? Everything looked great, he had a sense of humor, liked monster truck rally's and has never been married. I was impressed, and genuinely wanted to meet this guy.

So we made plans to meet on the south side for an early dinner at a diner. I had thought that this guy seemed promising, so a dinner instead of just a coffee date seemed longer but maybe better? lol.

Ok..... so, this guy shows up WITH HIS CHILDREN. Excuse me? Your profile said you DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN. I was pretty taken aback, but the kids were cute at least. Two little boys that proceeded to scream at the top of their lungs and fight over a yellow car, and then a purple truck. Because they were like, 3 years old. The guy said "Yeah, I thought you'd like to meet my children, when the divorce is final maybe they will be all yours!" in a joking manner. DIVORCE? "You mean you're married?" I asked. "No, well, yes. Actually we're kind of separated, but she wants to get back together I think." "Oh ok, well how long have you been separated?" I asked. "About 2 months. I had the kids this weekend". OMG.

You have got to be freaking kidding me? You know what I call that?

a DOG. You are married, with kids, separated for 2 months, and lie to girls on the Internet and say you are single? Let me guess, along with lying about that you probably lied about a multitude of other things. I bet that if you didn't have your kids, you'd be expecting to get laid. Well, think again, this girl doesn't put out. Just.... honestly. Who does that? I had no idea what to say to this guy... I was livid... and embarrassed... and I threw down a $20 and said that I was feeling sick and had to go home early. I wasn't going to tell this story to anyone, ever, but what the heck this blog is fun.

I wish I would have had his wife's number to clue her in to fight for sole custody.

#36, Part Two. More shenanigans.

Sometimes you can't tell a book by it's cover.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what a guy is all about the first time you meet them. So, giving a guy a second chance to make a first impression doesn't seem that crazy. But, trust me you should listen to your gut.

I decided to meet "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" for a movie. He kept asking me out over and over again, so I figured that a movie would be harmless. And, seeing a dollar movie is even better because a guy doesn't have to pretend he has money, it's only a dollar.

My first clue that this was not going to be a love match was when he didn't want to see any of the movies I wanted to see. To be fair, I can be very picky about the movies that I like and don't like. I don't like movies with talking animals, political movies, ghost or alien movies, or movies with Nicolas Cage, Matthew McConaughey, J-lo or movies where the main character dies. I like all the rest, I swear.

We decided to see "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". And since I love food it seemed a win-win.

So this guy shows up so late, there are only a few minutes before the movie starts. I don't like to waste time and I wanted to see a movie so I got in line for a ticket anyways. What the heck. Right before it was my turn, he runs in and finds me in line. I was just stepping up to the counter so I said "Two please". Out of the corner of my eye I could see no movement. Quite a few seconds go by... and I realize he wasn't taking out his wallet! Yeah, I think this guy EXPECTED ME TO BUY HIS TICKET! I was kind of stunned because it was ONLY A DOLLAR. I look up at him and say "Do you really think that I'm paying for your ticket here? It's only a dollar". He sheepishly sticks his hand into his pocket and pulls out a handful of NICKLES and PENNIES and plunks it into my open hand. Omg. I just distastefully let all that change slide into my open handbag and grab the tickets and think "Oh Lord, let this get better".

Note--- I actually LOVE paying for people. All the time. I love buying gifts, and giving gifts, and hiding money in your pocket when you aren't looking. But there is serious decorum that you need to pay attention to on a date. This is not cool.

So we sit down in the theatre and exchange "hows it goings" and all that jazz. That's where the conversation ends. Even before the previews start. This was a first for me. I asked him a few serious questions, a few silly questions, trying to make conversation...... it was a huge bomb.

As we are watching the movie I notice that he doesn't laugh at the funny parts, where the whole theatre is laughing, and he is laughing at parts that no one thinks is funny. This to me, was the funniest part of the whole date. I almost peed my pants.

As we were leaving the theatre, I remembered why I agreed to go out with him in the first place... I wanted ask him for help to take a couch to goodwill. Needless to say.... more than a year later that couch is still in my basement. He kept asking me out again after that, and I don't get it? No rapport means we really can't even be friends, right? Meh.

The only thing that come to mind about this is "if he looks like a redneck, he might just be a redneck". Always trust your gut. Never date a man with a mustache...

#36. "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave".

So, this is the tale of "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave". I met this guy at my college, and normally all the boys there are.... boys... so they are hands off. I don't need to be known as the "(School's name) Cougar". The "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" was a bit older than the rest, just 3 or so years younger than me so you can rest easy knowing I'm not a pedophile. I so rarely get to use that word in a sentence.

It was my 30th birthday. I have a horrible birthday every single year. Because of this I have very low expectations when it comes to birthdays, so I just sent out a facebook invite to come to my friends house for dinner. It was snowing outside, probably below 30 Celsius, and around 20-30 people came for Indian food, which we made. Oh yeah.

Among them was the "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave". We did the dinner, presents, all that jazz. I think I remember being sang to in Dutch, but that was a year ago and you can't expect me to remember everything. At around 10:30pm, people are leaving and my friend and I are at the door waving to everyone, thanking them for coming, that kind of thing. Almost in unison, we turn our heads and see the "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" behind us... also waving.

Isn't that a bit weird? You're at a party and everyone leaves except you? MMMhhhhmmmm. That's kind of a clear hint that you should leave too.

So my friend and I didn't know what to do. Do we kick him out? Do we try to make awkward conversation? Do we yawn and stretch and act really tired? The thing is, this guy is not my friend, he's totally random and I don't know him at all. So we decide to watch a movie. Unfortunately the ONLY movie that we had was...

This is what my face looked like.
<----------------------------------------














GONE WITH THE WIND. Do you have any idea how long this is? It's 238 minutes! 3.9 hours! 14280 seconds that we spent make awkward conversation, at 2am on my birthday, watching Gone With The Wind. I mean, it's one of my favorite movies, at least in my top 10. But still. Come on, it's late just GO HOME. After it was over, I just wanted to be Gone with the Wind too.

This guy insisted on walking me to my car. OK, it's 3am, that's a nice thing to do. Hello, every guy should do that. But, he decided that since it was my birthday, he needed to give me a hug. Problem. I don't like to hug strange men! In fact, I dumped a guy for being too touchy on the first date. You can read about that one later... he might be #25? Back on track. I kept telling him no, I don't need a hug... a handshake is fine... But NO. He was SO insistent, like it was his duty or mission in life to make this day even more uncomfortable. I kept saying NO... but maybe my eyes said YES because I wound up with the first hug of my 30's by a random guy I don't even know. What would Scarlett have done? Called up Rhett to shoot the scoundrel for taking liberties. At least in my mind that's how it would go.

What is it with some guys? No means NO! Yeah, a hug is pretty innocent but I didn't really want to end my night pressing my chesticals against a total stranger. What's next? He meets some girl at the grocery store and moves in with her? Locks eyes across the room and impregnates a total stranger?

The best part is.... there's a part 2. Just wait.

P.S, I also started travelling for my B-day every year now. Much better.