A German Breakfast in France.

Oh my gosh. So I went to France.

The thing about France is that EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction. Moulin Rouge, the Louvre, Eiffel Tower... crawling with people. Everywhere you go you can't really get a moments peace and enjoy yourself unless.... you get up at 5 am in order to get there before everyone else does. I tried this. I'm not a morning person by any means but I did it. Woke up at 5, and was downstairs for breakfast by 6.

The man that served breakfast in my hostel was really creepy. And really French. He would watch you to make sure you only took one croissant and one day he frowned at me taking 2 sugar cubes and on my 6 am early day he saw me coming and REMOVED the sugar before I could take one. Then he pretended he didn't know English when I was like, Dude I can't drink this tea without sugar.

So this random German guy offered to share his honey. I usually don't accept food from strangers but since he was using it I thought it was probably ok. And part of travelling is getting out of your comfort zone and eating mysterious honey and talking to strangers at 6 am is definitely out of my comfort zone.

So I asked this guy why he was up at 6am and he said he hadn't been to bed yet, because they were at the club all night and then drank "many bottles of wine" outside on the sidewalk. His English (for a drunk guy) was actually really good, and he was actually really good looking. Tall, blond, beardy, strapping German lad. All he was missing was the Laederhosen! They don't make guys like that in Canada... and if they do they're in the woods somewhere because I can't find them.

So my new German friend invited me to his room to drink "bottles of wine" with his friends. Hell no. I was like "Oh, sorry I'm meeting my friend, I'm going to Versailles today!" I mean... it's 6am. Do you really think I have time to become a statistic and miss my grand tour of Europe because I'm skinned alive in a creepy hostel in france? Actually... it was a really nice design hostel.

So instead my new German friend invited me to come to Germany! "You must come to Germany and stay at my house and we will go to nightclubs! Germany has the best clubs and we will dance!" He gave me his phone number in Berlin... his address... he told me which train to take and all that jazz. I was kind of regretting putting makeup on.

(This is the best part.)

Then he made a sandwich and beat boxed for me. When I say that he "beat boxed" what I mean is that he said "boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants" over and over again... while doing a rave dance shuffle and eating a sandwich.

And I never saw him again...

Vegan Man.

I was on the phone with a friend and she mentioned she wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. I didn't say anything, and changed the subject. Then she mentioned it again another day and I reminded her that I only date Christian men. She said "Oh, he believes in God!" which could mean many things actually. A lot of people believe in a higher power, or a god, or demi gods, or Hindu gods, or that God is a woman or some kind of different theology or the power of goodness or something like that. There are so many options out there, and we are all different types of people. But I prefer the guys that believe that Jesus is the one true way to salvation... in a nutshell: basic Christian beliefs. So my standards might be high to some people, or low depending on how you look at it.

She ended up texting me three pictures of him.

The first one was totally normal, but sunglasses so he could have been anyone off the street. Jack black probably.

The second one was a sports picture, and it looked like he was punching himself in the face, tongue out, with crossed eyes.

The third one was probably from high school so almost 20 years ago... and he looked like Harry Potter.

All the pictures looked like three different people, so I had no idea what this guy could look like and I really wasn't planning on going any further with it.

So, I'm at the mall the day before I leave on a backpacking trip to the UK and Europe. I'm like totally in a hurry and I'm like, "I need to buy an iPad or SOMETHING!!!!!!" so I had no makeup on, unwashed hair, wearing clothes that I actually did sleep in the day before. I probably smelled terrible, no accessories and the day before I got a bad haircut where she actually scalped my bangs. I honestly don't think that I even brushed my teeth. (Shut up, you've done it). AND then I get a text!

"Hey, want to meet my friend? Come to this vegetarian restaurant in an hour!"

Oh man. So, I go to Sephora and slap makeup on my face, find some body spray at Target that makes me smell like a baby prostitute, and scour my car for abandoned earrings or necklaces or something to make me look less like a hobo.

Or I could have just said no. But, I was curious as to what this guy was like and I'm always up for a blind date. Even though it wasn't a date... BECAUSE MY FRIEND WAS THE CHAPERONE! Every single set up or blind date I've had, it was just me and the guy... I've never had a set up where my friends come on the date too! Hahahhahaha.

Literally the most awkward meet that I've ever had. This guy looked NOTHING like any of the three different guys in the photos. He almost never spoke to me, and basically spoke just to our mutual friend. He looked like the typical beer drinking oil field worker that runs rampant in our great state of Alberta, Canada. I'm sure he is a decent person but the only way you get to draw out a shy person in conversation is by being alone with them. Then they are pretty much forced to talk to you... or at least avoid looking at you and make it awkward on their account.

SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT GUYS. STILL SINGLE.

Plus, I threw up all the vegetarian food I ate as soon as I got home. So gross. Pre formed vegan "meat" full of chemicals and deep fried? I thought vegetarians tried to be healthy, but I was so wrong! If my body is rejecting vegan chemical food it's a good thing I didn't respond to Vegan Man's facebook request.

What's funny is that my bff made an offhand comment a week ago "Oh you know where you can find a lot of single guys? On flights to Fort Mac". Thanks but no thanks.

Guest BLOG # 4. Frumpy Brother and his Fancy Squash Court.

Guest Blog! Send submissions to mybadblinddate@gmail.com 

My blind date was set up by my rock climbing instructor for a group class. The instructor was good looking, friendly, a Christian, and therefore obviously happily married. I had thought to ask if he had a brother, but couldn't bring myself to be so bold. It may have been taken as a sideways approach to asking if there was any hope we might one day be related. It came as quite a shock then when he came up to me at the end of the classes and (awkwardly) asked if I would ever consider going out with his brother. Sign from God? I think so! It must have been FATE. Right? The setter upper did warn me that "He is not me..." which I laughed off with an "Obviously!". But how could someone related to the outdoorsy, active, outgoing, humorous setter upper be all that bad. Right?

Setter uppers always play on the highlights: he's a dentist, owns his own place, is actively involved in church and plays in the church band (points all round). So I agreed to exchanging e-mails. We wrote a few times and made plans to meet for coffee. 

Crisis: What do you wear when you are going to meet a dentist for coffee? Are there higher standards based on occupation? I didn't want to be too overdone, but still somewhat put together to look "nice". I also made sure that I brushed my teeth an extra time or 2...

I went in to our prearranged locale nervous with butterflies. They were quickly crushed under the rock of realization that this man had not had the same "What should I wear" crisis as I had. We did the whole, Hi, are you blah blah blee? and the confirmation of who is who. In the short time it took for introductions, I was like, 'Dang, this guy really didn't put much effort into this situation. I bet he's not even really a dentist. If he is, business mustn't be going very well...'

He wore an old sweatshirt that had his University logo on it (I don't like those), probably from when he was a first year student in the 15 year dentistry program. I think he was wearing sweatpants too? Maybe they were poor fitting jeans, anywho, not that important. He was a little on the husky side and the sweatshirt did nothing to flatter that fact. He just looked frumpy, like he'd rolled off the couch and come to meet some girl. 

Ok, ok, get over it. Let's get to know this guy, clothes can be remedied. Super sweet guy, a little awkward but I don't mind making conversation with strangers. It's actually kind of fun to find things in common with people as well as find out what makes them unique. So he's a dentist, I work in healthcare. I try to get people to talk about what interests them because you can find out more about them than they realize. :) So his topic of choice was dentistry. Dental surgery, dental school, the difficulties of running a practice, dental procedures in great depth and detail, too much depth and too much detail. Because I'm polite and have an understanding of medical procedures, I let it continue. So. Boring. 

There was a bit of conversation about family and travel. Then back to dental discussions: bridges, grafts, specialized training courses, patient cases where teeth would not stay in no matter what. He noticed my teeth and commented on them (fortunately he found them to his satisfaction, phewf!). 

He did own his own place. He also had a renter that kind of sounded like someone who bummed around. I could just picture the 3 of us hanging out in our university sweats, eating greasy food, and watching sports in a dark basement. Awesome. By the end I just didn't want to hear anymore teeth or dentally words. Overall the date wasn't terrible, just overwhelmingly one sided.

We met up again because I figured I'd give the guy another chance to see if anything more interesting came up in conversation. We went to play squash and I got to use the "elite" ladies locker room as his guest. Now if that doesn't tempt a girl to take the dentist and run, I don't know what will. It was pretty impressive: private saunas, a full countertop of beauty products and hair styling supplies, giant mirrors and lights, lounge areas. After the game, he asked if we could go for coffee. However, me being the little student that I was, just planned to play and head home, not have a romantic date situation. I didn't bring extra anythings to change into, or a towel (there may have been some there but that fact only dawned on me now as I type this many years later... I blame naivety). So off we went, him all shiny, clean, and fresh. Me - all none of those things. I was totally embarrassed. 

Conversation was more varied this time but still ultra dull and he kept mentioning a dental assistant that went on a medical outreach he went on. I thought, well maybe you should ask her out. She'll have a lot more interest in the procedure stories... I went home that night thinking, "that was so boring!!!" No dice. I ended it via e-mail because that was his most frequently used form of communication. 

On a side note, I went to the same university that he had been at (maybe that was the reason for the sweater, proof of his cool hipness). On the way to one of my classes I walked past a set of grad photos. I stopped to look - dentistry program. Found his face. It watched me as I walked past for the rest of the semester. 

Waste of Makeup says: "I told you NOT TO DATE THE DENTIST!" 

And, on second thought... I probably would have punched the brother in the leg and given him a charley horse as payback. 

# 35 The date that never happened.

I had forgotten about this one, until a friend reminded me this weekend. I didn't even bother recording it in my journal, I guess I wanted to forget it as soon as it happened. I was actually really shaken up after this encounter, and I had called my friend from my car to let me come over and have her follow me to my house and walk me to the door!

This was a guy that found me online, and wanted to meet up. I checked his profile, and he was 6 foot, normal looking, a bit beefy, and had pictures of his quad, his dog, his truck, and himself- shirtless at the gym. I don't understand WHY guys do this? Do they think that it makes them seem attractive? I would rather see pictures of a guy helping old ladies across the road. One day, I'm going to BE an old lady and I will need help when my bones get as brittle as sponge toffee. Forget that... my new requirement for a date is a picture of a guy FEEDING an old lady, might as well go for the bonus round.

Usually these guys want to date tall, thin, busty blonds with lip injections that put out, so I'm not sure what attracted him in the first place. But, he said that he was a Christian on his profile and in his shirtless picture he had a Jesus fish tattoo...? Couldn't be all that bad... ???

So I was supposed to meet this guy at Moxies restaurant. It was the middle of the week, and a chilly winter night. I'm usually pretty prompt, unless there's traffic or an accident or something. It being winter, and rush hour... I gave myself an extra 20 min to get there on time. Even with that, the traffic crawled... there was a train holding us all up. Stupid trains. I pull into the parking lot, and I'm only 2 minutes late. That's not such a big deal is it? Most people would think that is actually right on time, right?

I walk into the Moxies, and the hostess helps me find this guy sitting by himself in a booth. He sees me, stands up and YELLS at the top of his voice, "WHERE THE F### HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, LOOKING LIKE AN A###### SITTING BY MYSELF HERE!!!!!"

I just stopped in my tracks, my heart started pounding and I looked at the hostess whose eyes were wide open. Everyone in the restaurant was staring open mouthed at him. I turned on my heels and RAN to my car and got in, slammed the door, locked it and started the engine and drove off as fast as I could. I probably deserved a speeding ticket that day. I called my friend and basically just said I was coming over and she could tell from the tone of my voice that something was wrong. I felt like such a baby, asking her to take me home and tuck me in, but I've got some great friends and I would do the same. Spinsters UNITE! She let me in, gave me a hug, made me hot chocolate, gave me an Oreo and sat back to listen to what happened. She's going to make a GREAT Mom one day. 

So that's that. The date that never happened.

I am going to give you some advice here...

Never date someone with serious anger issues. That's pretty obvious, but when you are in love you tend to overlook faults. Until you get a black eye or bite marks on your shoulder. Then, you justify it somehow, and even though I don't know you... you deserve better than that. My youth pastor gave me this advice, and I will never forget it.

and... it took me almost a year to go back to that particular Moxies.