In case you didn't know... the moulin rouge is topless.

I've always wondered what kind of person has absolutely no personality or imagination and needs to google "Top 10 date ideas" to find things to do. I guess that's better than taking a girl to a McDonald's drive thru or making her watch you do martial arts. But according to ASK MEN this is the top 10 things to do on a date:

Bowling.

Hiking.

Aquarium.

The Theatre.

Driving Range.

Art Gallery.

Local Music Show.

Play Tourist.

Ice Skating.

Try new Cuisine.

Well. There you have it. The limits of a mans imagination. I've done all these things on dates, with the exception of a driving range. If I'm going to be hitting balls with a stick on a date it's going to have to be vandalism in order to have fun. Is it just me or is golf not the most boring sport?  Dude that's BORING. Go burn some flipping calories already like a smelly sweaty man that's playing a real sport. Of course I'm pretty sure that guys take girls bowling to check out their bums without being noticed.

So I made a list of things NOT to do on a first date. 

Go golfing.

Eat ribs.

A family event.  

Sports bar. 

X rated movie. 

Strip club. 

Funeral. 

McDonald's. 

Go to a topless show. 

Of course these things SHOULD be common sense. But you know. 

When I was in Paris there were probably TENS OF THOUSANDS of happy couples there, all doing the same things that I was doing. Romantic walks, visits to art galleries, eating in tiny cafe's, strolling, people watching, sketching, french movies, shopping... etc. People kissing everywhere. I saw so many tongues I felt like I was in a butcher shop. I started to kind of feel lonely a bit... it kind of sucks going to one of the most romantic cities in the world by yourself.

So I decided to treat myself and take myself on a date to the theatre! The Moulin Rouge in fact. It was super expensive even though I bought the ticket without the drink option. I loved the movie, and I was super excited to go to the show. For some reason... I thought it would be similar to the movie.

First they led me into a grand theatre full of happy people (on dates) with cute little tables with tablecloths, red lamps on the tables and glitz everywhere. Then they led me to a bare table under the stairs in the corner where you couldn't see the stage. I was like "Dude.. I don't think so." And they pretended not to understand English. I decided to just suck it up and not complain. Then they seated this old Russian lady in a huge puffy sweater with bad breath next to me to be my date! YAY! I guess that singles have to stick together. She showed me all her photos of all the same attractions I went to on the worlds slowest, smallest screened digital camera from the 80's. And she would NOT take a mint. I offered twice.

When the show finally started and the room was full of happy couples holding hands across the table and making Disney eyes at each other and the Russian lady had stopped playing footsie with me I realised something. THIS WAS A TOPLESS SHOW. I'd like to make a joke about not seeing that much silicone outside of home depot but they were not fakes! I was pretty stunned. I had no idea that the show was topless but you know... it's not something that I've never seen before. I have two of them myself and I see them all the time. And that was the moment that I was pretty relieved that I wasn't on a date. WHO TAKES A DATE TO A TOPLESS SHOW? SERIOUSLY? SO AWKWARD.

After spending 99 euros on a show where they lip sync to English songs, can't afford to buy the dancers bikini tops, get treated like a second class citizen seated in the worst seat in the theatre... I thought back to some of my bad dates and realised that some weren't as bad as this experience. And then the stage of the Moulin rouge turned into an AQUARIUM FULL OF YELLOW PYTHONS SWIMMING IN WATER and as a topless women jumped into the tank to swim with them... I realised that this was probably the worst date I've ever been on. Had a guy ever taken me to a topless show where we sat in the worst seats and the room was full of snakes I probably wouldn't call him again. And I would have done exactly what I did... left early, went home to my hostel alone and marvelled at my own stupidity.

A German Breakfast in France.

Oh my gosh. So I went to France.

The thing about France is that EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction. Moulin Rouge, the Louvre, Eiffel Tower... crawling with people. Everywhere you go you can't really get a moments peace and enjoy yourself unless.... you get up at 5 am in order to get there before everyone else does. I tried this. I'm not a morning person by any means but I did it. Woke up at 5, and was downstairs for breakfast by 6.

The man that served breakfast in my hostel was really creepy. And really French. He would watch you to make sure you only took one croissant and one day he frowned at me taking 2 sugar cubes and on my 6 am early day he saw me coming and REMOVED the sugar before I could take one. Then he pretended he didn't know English when I was like, Dude I can't drink this tea without sugar.

So this random German guy offered to share his honey. I usually don't accept food from strangers but since he was using it I thought it was probably ok. And part of travelling is getting out of your comfort zone and eating mysterious honey and talking to strangers at 6 am is definitely out of my comfort zone.

So I asked this guy why he was up at 6am and he said he hadn't been to bed yet, because they were at the club all night and then drank "many bottles of wine" outside on the sidewalk. His English (for a drunk guy) was actually really good, and he was actually really good looking. Tall, blond, beardy, strapping German lad. All he was missing was the Laederhosen! They don't make guys like that in Canada... and if they do they're in the woods somewhere because I can't find them.

So my new German friend invited me to his room to drink "bottles of wine" with his friends. Hell no. I was like "Oh, sorry I'm meeting my friend, I'm going to Versailles today!" I mean... it's 6am. Do you really think I have time to become a statistic and miss my grand tour of Europe because I'm skinned alive in a creepy hostel in france? Actually... it was a really nice design hostel.

So instead my new German friend invited me to come to Germany! "You must come to Germany and stay at my house and we will go to nightclubs! Germany has the best clubs and we will dance!" He gave me his phone number in Berlin... his address... he told me which train to take and all that jazz. I was kind of regretting putting makeup on.

(This is the best part.)

Then he made a sandwich and beat boxed for me. When I say that he "beat boxed" what I mean is that he said "boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants" over and over again... while doing a rave dance shuffle and eating a sandwich.

And I never saw him again...

"Proof that man is doomed", or "I never have to date again".

Women don't need a man to support them because there is welfare. 

Women don't need men to have children,

because there is artificial insemination and 

tons of unwanted Chinese babies to 

buy on the Internet. 

Women don't need a man to protect them because there is bear spray. 

Women don't need a man to change a tire because there is AMA. 

Lastly, 

Women 

Don't 

Need 

A 

Man

Because 

There's 

THIS. 

Available on Amazon. Just google boyfriend arm. 

Catch me if you can...

Catch me if you can guy isn't exactly a blind date, though I certainly felt blindsided after ward.

He was a brother of a good friend of mine, and pretty much always sat with me in church. And said absolutely nothing. At the end of the service, I would stand up, say "How was your week?" and he would say "Fine" and wait for me to move out of his way so he could leave. So one of those socially awkward people that you never really understand.

The thing is... his Dad would always tell me to marry his son. I am convinced that he had some sort of romance in his mind that only existed there, because again... his son almost never spoke to me. The Dad would come up with weird statements like... "You know, He would do anything for you...." Which led me to think that maybe he had some secret crush or something?

So this guy called me up on the phone to ask me to see a movie with him. It was an old Doris Day film, whom I love, btw, and it was playing at a museum. So I agreed to go, and was wondering if he would like, make a declaration of un-dying love since his Dad was so eager to marry us.

I arrive at the museum, park my car, and start walking to the entrance. The guy is walking towards me, and I'm thinking "How nice, he saw me drive up and came to meet me!" No. He passes me, and says "I'm going to my car." No other explanation. So I go in and wait for him inside, not sure why he went to his car. He comes back like, 10 minutes later and has a bottle of water in his hand. One bottle. Then he says "Did you get your ticket? They only take cash, so I hope you have cash. (rudely, I might add)" Buddy. I was waiting for you to get back so I could see if you bought your date a ticket. Like a normal person would. It was only $3. You couldn't spring for $3?

I paste a smile on my face and go get my ticket.

We walk in together in silence.

The whole auditorium is a sea of silver and grey.

Everyone is a senior citizen.

Except us.

We sit down, and.... HE PULLS A MAGAZINE OUT OF HIS POCKET. He proceeds to read the magazine in SILENCE until the movie starts. Then... more silence.

The movie was ok, I don't remember which one it was but I remember some slapstick suspenders scene that made me laugh out loud.

Movie over.

We stand up in silence.

We walk out in silence.

Parking lot.

This guy just veers off and walks to his car. No goodbye. No I'll see you later. No I'll walk you to your car. I'll just walk to my car and say nothing. He actually left me speechless, standing in the middle of the parking lot... dumbfounded. Did that really just happen?

Did it? Did this guy call me, invite me to a movie and PRETEND I WASN'T EVEN THERE?

It did. The next day I was explaining this weird date to my friend, and she stops me and says "That sounds like my brother, was it my brother?" Yeah.

I don't get it. But, I will tell you that the Dad gave up, and I hope he felt really bad that he tried to play us, and me in particular.

This guy also gave me "Catch Me if You Can" the movie, for my birthday one year. I was wondering if that was a subliminal message and wanted to counter offer with "Gone with the Wind" or maybe, "Get Smart." But again, I have a horrible birthday every single year. That was the year that he yelled out in front of all my friends that I was the stupidest person that he'd ever met. I went home and cried later.

The year before, he gave me a birthday card that said "I'm so glad we are lovers."

The funniest thing about this is that I ended up making this guy's wedding cake. One of the most ugliest requests I have ever had... and they didn't tip me! I made it for cost, and they shorted me. Ha ha ha.... I even had to hire someone to work for me for the day so I could deliver it... that's $80 I'll never see!

The date at Taco Bell.

I usually write these late at night, which explains why I am so mean.

So a date that I was reminded of today was with a guy I worked with. Yeah, I know... don't do that. But he was a nice guy. Oh wait.. before I forget to tell you.... "Flirt & Convert" does NOT work. Not my best moment.

I was kind of getting the vibe that this guy liked me, and we started hanging out a bit. He was decently good looking, had a fab body (I'm shallow sometimes) and a nice car. That he bragged about all the time. Like, every time I got into it. Anyhow, one day we went to the ledge grounds to splash in the pool. It's not a big pool but hey, it's all we have for free outdoor entertainment. It's really a glorified kiddy-pool that kids and homeless people pee in and bathe in. We had some fun and then went to get a bite to eat at Taco Bell. Yes, I eat that slop and I love it. But now that I've given up all carbs, fats, sugar and starches I eat diet sawdust. Anyhow, there we were. Eating tacos. He was REALLY into eating well and fitness, and he made some comment that the food was fattening. Then he said "You know, you have a nice body now, but if you gain any more weight I won't be interested in you anymore."

My jaw dropped to the floor.

I made up my mind then and there to splice a photo of my face onto a really fat woman and give it to him for Christmas. Or better yet, add him in and make it a Christmas card and send it to all our friends and family. Anyhow.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he was rather awkward, and we went back to his house. Might I remind you that he wasn't a Christian, and that flirt and convert never work? Ok then. So his roommate is using the living room and I don't think they got along very well, so he's like "Hey I just bought new bedroom furniture, want to see it?" I'm not sure if this is a "line" or not, but I was thinking in my mind there BETTER be freaking new furniture in there or I'm leaving. I mean, we're friends and not dating, so there was no reason for him to think he's getting anywhere in my business, and in this case I made a mad dash for the desk chair that sat one person only! Hahahahhaha.

Three things:

1.) Yes, new furniture. But he was too cheap to buy an IKEA mattress to fit into his IKEA bed-frame, so he put his old mattress in it and it was slopping over one side and definitely not level. Kind of hilarious.

2.) HE HAD A STACK OF SELF-HELP BOOKS ON HIS NIGHTSTAND. Buddy, did you not think to put those away before you brought a girl to your room?

3.) He brought out a guitar and started singing to me. This is where I lost it, and was like... it's time to go.

Needless to say... we remained friends. And then I quit my job and never saw him again.

So there you go.

Guest Blog #2. Orange Julius Guy.

Coincidently, Bad blind Date #36 dated one of my friends. (Oh yeah, girls talk). We were having breakfast in the Philippines sharing bad blind date stories when we figured out we HAD DATED THE SAME GUY. And, he turned out to be a cheapskate for both of us. 


Guest Blog #2. 


It all started a couple of years ago on Facebook. Back in the day, I was often seen on the chat system, even though I was never the one to initiate conversations. A boy (refer to blind date boy #36) starts chatting me. I knew him briefly from school, had seen him around, and had planned a couple of school trips that he was a part of. Thus, I knew his face and his name, and not really much else about him. The next thing I knew, the boy asked me on a date for the following afternoon. But get this, we went to a MALL.

After asking my mom if it was ok with her because I am young, and then asking some friends the next morning at school what they thought, I got with my prof and we stalked him on our school's system to see if we could find out more about him. We then decided it wouldn't really hurt to go out with him. Even if it was to the mall.

I had given him my number the night before, because I was a little tired of the Facebook chat. So I told him he could text me the next day and we could figure out details. Not only did he text me the next day, he also phoned me two times just to double check that I was still going.

Now this is how all good date stories start:
When school was finished, I headed to the mall. He had previously told me exactly where I could meet him, and where he would conveniently be waiting to "pick me up". Once there, we wandered inside. He began to tell me about this great coupon he had found the day before in his house for Orange Julius, which is why he wanted us to go to the mall. Because the mall had an Orange Julius. And couches. It was a buy 1 get 1 free coupon, and I hesitantly and then bitterly paid for the 1 we actually had to pay for.


Waste of Makeup says: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? He made you pay? AND HE HAD A COUPON?

Sitting on the couches, I found that he was quite boring. But I wanted to give him the time and the space to prove himself. I started asking him questions, and refused against all my boredom to look at my phone. I had placed it on silent in my coat pocket previous to entering the mall. He was doing good at answering my questions with 1-word answers, until finally he opened up. He said, "Well, there's just something I've been wondering this entire time." This should have been one of the millions of clues, but for some reason it wasn't.

He reached into his pocket, grabbed a stack of stapled papers out, and presented them to me. It was then that I realized that this paper was addressed to the professor at our college that I worked for, and that he was about to ask me something about it. He spent the next half hour or more asking me about the prof, the class, the specific paper, and how he could do better for this guy's other assignments.

Just when I thought I was floored by this, his phone rings loud and proud. And he answers it. He answered his phone. In the middle of our date. About his homework.

At this point I started to look at my phone, and made up some excuse about it being time to head home and help my mother make dinner. I thought I could ditch him right at the couches, and give him no chance. But instead he said, "I'll walk you to your car. I want to make sure you have enough gas and that it will run properly to get you all the way home." Just my luck.

We made awkward (for me) small talk on the way to my car about my evening plans (church, young adults night). Finally when he had checked everything and more that I knew a person could check on in my car, he gave me the go-ahead to leave.

Well, praise the Lord, I couldn't believe the worst date ever had finished. Or so I thought.

That night when I arrived at church for the young adults night, you would never guess who appeared... And all he did all night was hover around me, even after I got my pastor-friend to tell him to back off. Luckily I've never had to speak with him again.


Waste of Makeup says: This guy needs to get a job. And manners.