Mr Sweatpants.

I haven't posted in a bit because I went on exactly 3 dates with exactly 3 losers in 2014 and it was so depressing I almost couldn't write about it. But I just got home from another disgusting waste of time date, so I was like... ok... what's in the archives?

Mr. Sweatpants. 

I found myself shopping checking online on the dating sites to see what's what. Not much to be honest. I find that on sites like "Plenty of Fish" people click the "Christian" box when they are a) not catholic, b) think they should click it so they can go to heaven, or c) click it so they get more people looking at their profiles. Either way if someone makes no mention of God in their profile, I usually skip it. We talk about what's important to us and I feel like that should be on there.

I exchanged a few emails with a guy... lets call him Mr. Sweatpants. He seemed nice, normal, a little boring but it's honestly hard to tell without meeting someone in person. I just like to get it over with asap, so since I found myself working at an outdoor festival this summer- I was like hey come on by and say hi! (Not my best move...)

He said that he would come check out the festival, and I showed my friends his profile picture and said to watch out for him. Unfortunately they saw him before I did! They told me they saw a guy in sweatpants riding a bike around. Oh man. Sweatpants? I don't know the logic behind that decision.

I'm not a guy, but... would you think it makes a good impression to
a) be dressed like a 5 year old child?
b) give the impression you have been sweating?
c) have a pork sword flopping around like that?

And no... they weren't cool sweatpants as per the fall 2014 fashion season. They were forrest green and didn't match his shirt. So I am pretty much automatically turned off by this. No effort at all to look nice or clean when you meet someone. Plus, he rode his bike right in my booth, (NO!) and interrupted me with customers, and basically made an A.D.D nuisance of himself. After a long, boring monologue about a forklift... he got on his bike and rode away. But then he came by and offered me some fruit. I don't know where he got the fruit, but I know better than to accept fruit from a guy in sweatpants on a bike. And I never saw him again.

Fast Forward a year later... and my friends saw him milling around at my work, so what do I do? I hide under my table. 

#38...... continued.

Many of you read my first entry about third date guy, and there is a reason he's called third date guy. Three dates... obviously.

So in spite of my stunning projectile vomiting this guy wanted to go out again. 

Or did he?

After date #1, a mutual friend told me to be careful, because this guy just hangs out with girls and flirts, and texts, and it never goes any further and the girl(s) get really hurt. Hmmm. This made me wonder if maybe he was a closet gay guy? A lot of my gay guy friends have tons of flirty relationships with girls. ??? Hopefully not though. Another mutual friend told me that he told them that he had no intentions in dating me again, he didn't like me, wasn't interested... that kind of thing. So when he wanted to hang out again, I was like "Hey wait a minute..."

Reference Bridget Jones Diary. 

Well, yes... this sounded to me like a clear case of "Emotional Fuckwittage". I first learned the term while watching the favorite movie of all slightly overweight single 30 something girls. Bridget Jones Diary. I've even read the book, which has far more crude British language, in case you are in the mood. But I digress. Warning bells went off, and what's a girl to do? What would a normal girl do? What would you do? I can only tell you what I did, and that was to CALL HIM OUT. 

I descended my testicles, totally confronted him and he was at first mad at his friend for telling me, and second totally denied it. Really? Come on, I wasn't born yesterday. The part that makes me REALLY MAD is that he got me to admit that I did kind of like him, and I was interested. He replied with "That's cool." ??? That's cool?  Come on, I at least deserve a reciprocal interest-ation. Well what do you have to say for yourself Mr. Cool? 

He said that he totally wants to see me again, to get to know me better. Can you really trust a guy who behaves like this? My friends aren't liars, so I believed them. I tried to believe the best in this guy as well, so Date #2 happened, even though I felt like I was getting played the whole time. 

Third Date guy happened to have a motorbike- so we went for a ride. This is kind of awkward. If you've ever been a Christian girl, on a date with a Christian guy.... you will probably try to keep from wrapping your entire body around his. It's kind of skanky. But when you're on the back of a bike going super fast through back roads... yeah you just have to do it or..... fall to your death. I chose skank instead of death. Always a good choice. We stopped for hot chocolate, I managed not to throw up again, and went back out on the bike. Generally.... this guy is not a bad guy. He somewhat redeemed himself by being nice and shielding my freezing hands from the wind... good manners matter. But that's about it... I honestly don't remember too much more, but I must have had a brain aneurysm because we ended up going out again. This is why I call the blog "waste of makeup".... sometimes you waste your time, and makeup, but ever holding out that the next one will be the last one. 

Cheers! 

#40. The guy who rides a bike.

This was actually a fun bad blind date. I met this guy online and he seemed kind of cool so after a few emails we decided to meet for coffee. And I don't even like coffee. So we met at one of those trendy hipster places where things are organic, and vegan, and middle-eastern with dirty couches spaced around the room. Everyone is wearing Tom's Shoes and a beanie or high waisted pants with frizzy librarian hair.

So this was one guy that actually did look like his profile picture. Bonus. A tiny bit chubby, but that can be attractive. At least he's not anorexic. First off he gets a beer. I get a hot chocolate. I kind of raised my eyebrows at the beer, because he initially said he was a non-drinker, and his profile said he was a nice Christian boy, but to each his own---- I'm not judging. I'm about almost half done my hot chocolate and he gets up and gets another beer and knocks it back. Ok, I thought... at least drunk people are funny. So I started asking him really strange questions, like "Would you rather have really long arms or really long legs?" And he says, "Whattttttt? My legs would be too long to walk, I'd have to cut them off and put them in my backpack." So I did this for awhile. I think there was nothing good on T.V that night, so might as well entertain myself. We actually had a lot of fun, and the next hour he had 2 more beers! By this time he is actually drunk and he can't even sit up properly, and he starts throwing pennies into my empty hot chocolate mug. He got one in, I don't know if it was legitimate or if it was a fluke.

I was hoping that I wouldn't have to drive this guy home, so I asked if he lived far. He lives all the way in Millwoods. It was winter, and really cold out, and I hate winter driving. To those that don't know, Millwoods is really far. I hate the south side, I always get lost.

So I tell him that he can't drive home, because he's had too much to drink. Guess what he said? "No problem, I rode my bike." Sigh. I told him that he shouldn't ride his bike across town because he could get run over, so he should take a cab. But because he bought 4 imported beers and a hot chocolate he didn't have any cash.

I had to make the choice.... give him money, or drive him home. I'll be damned if I will give a stranger, (a cute one) money for a cab. Be responsible and either don't get drunk, or keep an emergency $20 pinned in your underwears for when you are acting like a loser.

I decide to drive him home BUT HE WANTS ME TO BRING THE BIKE. I drive a really small car. I kept saying that it won't fit, there's no room... but he actually was really adamant that we at least TRY. Who am I to argue with a cute amusing drunk guy at midnight? Unfortunately, there is no front passenger seat in my car so it actually fit, with him in the backseat with his legs draped over part of the bike. It takes me almost 30 minutes to find his stupid house. He kept giving me bad directions, and finally I made him give me his drivers license so I could see the address.

Finally I find this guys house, grateful that he didn't puke in my car, and yes................ He did. He asked me if I wanted to sleepover. HELL NO. I thought about giving him a piece of my mind, but instead I  flung his bike between us and was like... see you later.... got in  my car and drove off... in the wrong direction, I got lost again, and this was before iPhone magic. I decided to ignore future booty calls from him, since I'm a non-alcoholic and don't want to be tempted.