"Proof that man is doomed", or "I never have to date again".

Women don't need a man to support them because there is welfare. 

Women don't need men to have children,

because there is artificial insemination and 

tons of unwanted Chinese babies to 

buy on the Internet. 

Women don't need a man to protect them because there is bear spray. 

Women don't need a man to change a tire because there is AMA. 

Lastly, 

Women 

Don't 

Need 

A 

Man

Because 

There's 

THIS. 

Available on Amazon. Just google boyfriend arm. 

Those Pastors Kids....

It's difficult to know what to write about dating Pastor's Kids (PK's) because they are a whole separate species. For some context, it's not an easy life. They have to not only live up to their fathers expectations, but THE WHOLE CHURCHES EXPECTATIONS. I dated my first and only PK when I was 25. I was naive and thought wow, this guy must be so godly because he's a pastors kid!  HELL NO.

So here are 25 things I have to say about dating THAT pk.

#1 I was his very first ever girlfriend.
#2 He wanted to make out 2 seconds after becoming "official."
#3 He kept saying "Wow, I have a girlfriend!" over and over.
#4 I always caught him looking down my shirt.
#5 I never actually saw him ever read a bible.
#6 He considered U2 to be a) good, b) christian music, c) equal to God
#7 His nose was bigger than Brazil, and you know those things don't stop growing.
#8 He had to have his whole families approval before he would consider dating me?
#9 I think he compared every girl on earth to his sister, kind of hard to live up to.
#10 He wrote and recorded me a song about how selfish I am.
#11 He always tried to pin me down and grind his crotch all over me.
#12 He talked down to me and told me how stupid I was.
#13 My job just wasn't good enough for him.
#14 He told me that when we got married we could get a dog. I hate dogs.
#15 Did you miss that "we," I hope you didn't. What an ass.
#16 He would take me to his house that he was building and show off.
#17 His idea of flirting, was to put a pantsload of construction signs all over my front lawn. Felony.
#18 He would have rather been at the lake, than in church. Not my style.
#19 One time he stole the tip I left for the server on the table at a restaurant.
#20 Treated me like a piece of ass. (Yes, my rear was really nice back then, but still).
#21 So pretentious you wanted to kick him in the throat.
#22 He just wasn't my type... more BMW than El Camino.
#23 My church went crazy and everyone told us to get married, the best way to kill a relationship.
#24 He jumped in on a family photo, and then people died and it's THE ONLY ONE WE HAVE.
#25 He dated someone for just the heck of it, which is something you should never ever do.

Sigh

The thing that makes me so mad about this experience, is that I had a very strict policy about getting physical with guys. Meaning, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But, I lowered my guard and I should have never have done it. I don't know what I was thinking. I felt so foolish for so long after this, and I really beat myself up over it. I'm not saying that anything happened that would cause me to get stoned, (biblically!) but you know I just really feel that if you are making out with a guy you're not married to, it's likely that you are making out with someone else's husband.

My youth pastor had a really good illustration for this. He glued a piece of pink paper to a piece of blue paper. When he tried to separate them, there were bits of pink stuck on blue, it was all torn and messed up. At the time I didn't see the truth in that illustration. There are consequences for our actions. Whenever I think now about lowering my guard with a guy... I remember that illustration and I thank God that he can heal, he can restore, and he can take care of us better than we can.

Life Lesson: Don't date a pervert. If you date one by accident, dump him no matter what! You deserve better! 

Ok, #26 is a bonus. I went to his lake lot to meet his family which was of course awkward to say the very least. The relationship didn't last much longer after this, but I was left with a nice parting gift. We had went out on someones boat, and he lent me his water shoes to wear. 3 days later, I noticed a teeny purple splotch on the top of each of my feet. The tiny splotches turned into HUGE PURPLE SPLOTCHES the size of mandarin oranges. NI HAO. I went to a dermatologist who said that there is no known cause, no known cure, and that they can last 4-10 years. They did eventually go away as well as all my desire to date again... with my luck next time I would get scabies or lice or male pattern baldness.

Catman.

Well, my misery has been shared with 20,000 people so far. GOOD JOB ME. I started the blog a little more than a year ago, and I STILL have 2 dates of mine to write about. The best and the worst. I have an appointment with a hypnotist next week to dredge up the memories of the worst one. Eventually the smack will get laid down, but...

Thankfully I have friends that are serial killers. I mean, serial daters.

I got a text from a friend this week...

...and to my delight she said "Yeah, I made an online profile on a dating site. I had a date yesterday, tonight and I have another one tomorrow. I'll keep you posted!" Ok. That's a lot of dates. I don't think I have had more than one blind date a week! It takes me that long to recover... 6 days of hitting my head against a wall and holding the knife parallel to my veins thinking "Should I eat that chocolate bar before I do this? I mean, I don't want to waste it."

But I digress.

My friend got a message from Catman. That wasn't his real name, I just named him appropriately. His profile said "I'm a really good person, at least my cats like me." Yes. It's a crazy cat MAN! The elusive "cat bachelor" DOES exist... it's not just a myth. However my friend does not like cats, so she cancelled the plans they had.

8 months later, he messages her again! He had forgotten she turned him down, and sent her a bunch of messages and "winks." She reminded him that she cancelled on him, and mentioned that she is allergic to cats. (lies). He replied "Maybe you could just never come to my condo, or visit my natural path friend." Right. Then. So welcoming of you.

So she met him at Starbucks and he was 20 minutes late. He was wearing the exact same clothing that they wear at Cineplex Odeon, which was weird because he didn't work there. Her description of his face was "his face was kind of crooked, not sloth, but off, you know?" Love the goonies reference.. She said that his hair was weird, he was weird... just a weirdo. Because he stared at her for an hour. Just stared like he had never seen a woman before. She tried to draw him into conversation, but he just gave her one word answers and it was getting painful. Finally he mentioned that he had had a root canal and she got really excited because finally they had something in common and had 5 minutes of conversation. Then, he stared some more. And some more.

So awkward.

After an hour of crazy silence the staff told her they were closing soon so she chugged her coffee as fast as she could and stood up and tried not to touch him (bah hahhahaha... so funny) and said "Ok, yeah, see you later" and ran to her car. She said that he must live in her neighbourhood because she ended up following him in her car! For blocks and blocks, so she "got lost" on purpose. Then went home and used a lint roller.

"Sometimes you just know, that you can't date a Catman." 

It's a sweaty life out there.

When I was little our elementary school had a really scary teacher. His name was Mr. R. (I'd love to use his real name even though he's probably dead and no one would care). He taught grade 6, but had opportunities to terrorise kids from other grades as well. This was the kind of teacher that would have been fired in an instant in today's world, if he tried even one mean trick that he pulled back in the 90's. I'm sure he had good qualities, but I'm grateful that he wasn't my dad.

One of the lies that he told us that if we pulled a fire alarm, it breaks an ink vial that pours UV ink onto our hand. If the fire department uses their black light, they can see who pulled it because the ink glows. It only JUST occurred to me, that this is not true. A lie that transcends 2 decades...

Now that we're all grown up and have condo's and bleep like that, a fire drill might be just what you need to meet cute guys in your building. "She" denies that she pulled the fire alarm, but you never know. There might have been a real fire. mmmph.

His name was "Mr. Pj's." They met in the lobby and discovered that they lived a few doors down from each other. The fire drill was almost an all nighter, in winter, so they abandoned the lobby and went to sit in his car. The problem with an overnight fire drill is that you don't get to see what people wear when they are not supposed to be sleeping. Mr Pj's was wearing pj's. She thought he was kind of attractive, and wanted to meet him in daylight to see what he actually looks like.

Because of his weird work schedule, he ended up going to her condo at 11 ish at night. And he wore pyjamas again? On a real first date, this guy wore pyjamas. And socks with holes in them. And no shoes. Other people might think she was being judgemental and picky, but not me. I also would have been appalled. (I mean, I did just get back from England where the men wore suits so beautiful I would have hand washed them in unicorn tears, but....)

YOU DON'T WEAR THIN COTTON PYJAMA PANTS ON A FIRST DATE.

Unless you both come from the same mental institution.

She ended up seeing him a few more times and realised that he did have some other quirks. For their second date he took her to a fast food restaurant. Not very impressive, but what was least impressive was that he wore his workout clothes. That smelled like sweat.

In fact, every single time he met up with her, he wore sweaty smelly workout clothes? They were not clean, they were not washed... it was like he was permanently at the gym. My friend is fairly athletic, so maybe he wore them to impress her, to make it seem like he was more athletic? Pyjamas to work out clothes... but no suits in between.

A note for the faithful men that read this blog... this is how you get a girl to break up with you. Just smell really bad... it does the trick. 

Other people have it worse than I do, hallelujah.

There's just something about hearing about other people's bad blind dates that automatically makes you feel better about your own miserable dating life. I spent the afternoon growing at least 3 inches taller while I heard these horror stories.

So my friend managed to have a good blind date last night, although... I suspect that she will find something wrong with him sooner than later. She said that he had an eyebrow ring, which is SO late 90's. I'm always surprised that people still pierce them. It's just not popular anymore. Plus, it leaves a scar. I know this, because I was alive in the late 90's and no matter what- I have the curse of the eyebrow piercing that never grew in. If I want to re-visit my youth I can just stick a safety pin in there. 21 piercings and counting over here. One was stepping on a nail, but it still counts.

She said that the date went pretty good... with one exception. They were talking about things that are funny in the workplace, and men and women obviously have different senses of humour because he told her fart jokes. Come on ppl. If it wasn't rule #1 to "Never tell a girl a fart joke on a first date" IT IS NOW. That's horrible! You don't know how she's going to take that. She might laugh and think it's the funniest thing she's ever heard, laugh awkwardly and politely and think you are gross, or she'll wrinkle up her nose and check her watch/phone. The odds are the latter. Fart jokes will inevitably happen in a relationship... but usually after "The first fart." This happens at some point in time, and you can make it awkward, or you can make a joke out of it. The other party has a mutual understanding to laugh at the joke, because they know that THEY could have been the farter. Thus, the relationship is opened up to bodily functions and everyone grows closer together.

Now.... this isn't even the end. I have more.

She went out with a guy, and he became increasingly fidgety and agitated. She saw that his car was being towed, and told him. He didn't want to go over and do anything about it, for a good reason. He was actually ARRESTED ON THE DATE by the police and thrown into the back of a cop car. I forgot to ask how she got home.

The next blind date was with a Mr muscles type of guy that liked boxing. He told her that he was almost mugged earlier that day by a homeless man. He actually beat the guy up, and THREW HIM OFF A BRIDGE. She asked if the guy was ok, and he said that he didn't look. So she copied his photos from his facebook and called crimestoppers.


Next, she was contacted by a guy online that asked her if her or any of her friends needed some housework done? AND IF HE WOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR THEIR CLOTHES WHILE HE CLEANED?

I mean... after all that... a little fart joke isn't that bad, is it?

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN VOLUME 2

Sometimes I get surprised by the feedback about the blog. Some friends in NYC that I visited told me that they sat in front of the computer all night reading the blog and peeing their pants. Flattering.

Another time I gave a ride to a random person, who realized who I was, and screamed out "You write the blind date blog! All my friends would read it during history class when we were bored!" Well, I can't blame you for being interested. It IS history after all. Just the bad kind, like communism or Hitlers to-do list.

Online dating isn't really working for me this time... I've only met psychopaths so far. READ ON.

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN? VOLUME II
Option 1) Hey, I'm James and I'm from Edmonton. I'm a nice guy who likes making people laugh, and I grew up on a farm. I'm not your typical guy.

On a first date: well, assuming that this was a girl that I'd been talking to for a while so it was a real date (a "test things out" date would be like "lunch") I would take her out for something to do like bowling although I never go and I suck at it, or to the driving range to share a bucket of balls, because I never go and I suck at it. Lol, either way I'd have fun. Then I'd take her too see something, maybe live theatre at the citadel as long as it was something funny instead of some story about transvestites or something which they always seem to have playing. Or maybe live comedy at the comic strip, but that depends on the girl because they're pretty uncouth. Next, I'd take her out for dinner, I would say to Japanese village because it's my favorite and they flip knives and stuff but that's more of a third or fourth date thing...too bad. Smokin Joes is pretty good, or else Kyoto Sushi if she's into that because it's the best sushi in town. Then I'd drive her home and if the date went well I'd pop my trunk and give her the flowers. Might seem odd, but it'll catch her totally off guard because flowers are a beginning of a date thing, but to hell with that. Then if the date doesn't go well, they go in the garbage. This way if it doesn't go well, I can give them to my mom or sister or something.

Option 2) The best way to describe me is "mercurial"! I am moving, restless, seeking, and learning. I am constantly in motion, a torrent of wind! I`m intellectual and won`t hesitate to play games with my lover, only child`s play though! I am a great communicator, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, I may move from one relationship to the next until I find the one which is as smart as I am and able to keep up with my high-spirited personality. The reward for those who lasso me is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. And I`m also ambidextrous...oooooh

On a first date: I'm down for anything... 

Option 3) Your profile says "just ask" but nobody ever answers. "Just ask" what? O-o

Im ranked as one of the top ten Instrumental Composers in Canada (Source: Reverb Nation). Im working on an instrumental album for 2013. Think "Timbaland" meets "David Guetta" meets "Skrillex" meets Katy Perry. Im very busy doing the work of between 20 and 30 people so basically it's not that I don't have a life its just creating music IS my life. I hope to find someone as passionate about creating music as I am, even more!

If you pass me over because I chose to live at home instead of living in a sh#tty apartment like 60% of you do then that's your loss. I got money in the bank, I have a car, I could buy you a car and a trip to Honolulu if I wanted to, I dont have to deal with sh%tty neighbors, I have no debt, I own several website domain names I might sell in the future, I have a job, actually 3 jobs because I stock trade as well. Im a very nice guy, TOO nice but you would never know that because you never reply to my messages or read my profile.

I'm average height. Husky build. I look intimidating but I'm a teddy bear. By "other ethnicity" I mean "who gives a care what your ethnicity is?"

On a first date:  NOTE: He just left that blank, so I call it foreshadowing. 


GOD HELP US ALL. 

STATS.

It's Saturday night, and the closest thing in proximity is a 2 inch red cockroach laying on it's back on the floor twitching in this hostel. So, as you can see if I lower my standards a bit I have a date only 6 feet away. GLORY!

I thought I'd share some stats. I love it when new countries read the blog, like Netherlands, United Arab Emirates, and Greece... etc. It's usually just once though, enough to give me a little thrill and wish that I was in those countries eating ethnic food and squatting on strange toilets. But of course the most views are from North America and Russia. But Rwanda? How did that happen? Is anyone in Rwanda even remotely interested in a white girl from Canada that meets Christian guys that are either insane, un-socialised or just plain rude? (and cheap..... don't forget they are cheap).

I also wanted to share the stats for "search keywords" because I am a little dumbfounded.

Beautiful Thai women? - I'm not Thai, but I can speak a little.
"Are you warm in that sweater?" - why would anyone google THAT?
Dairy Queen Hulk Cakes. - when did I EVER blog about dairy queen, the hulk or cake?
I don't care if you stand on your he... ??? I can't even read the rest of that sentence.

Last but not least...

Kids in underwears. - ok perverts, stay the hell away from my blog!