Vegan Man.

I was on the phone with a friend and she mentioned she wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. I didn't say anything, and changed the subject. Then she mentioned it again another day and I reminded her that I only date Christian men. She said "Oh, he believes in God!" which could mean many things actually. A lot of people believe in a higher power, or a god, or demi gods, or Hindu gods, or that God is a woman or some kind of different theology or the power of goodness or something like that. There are so many options out there, and we are all different types of people. But I prefer the guys that believe that Jesus is the one true way to salvation... in a nutshell: basic Christian beliefs. So my standards might be high to some people, or low depending on how you look at it.

She ended up texting me three pictures of him.

The first one was totally normal, but sunglasses so he could have been anyone off the street. Jack black probably.

The second one was a sports picture, and it looked like he was punching himself in the face, tongue out, with crossed eyes.

The third one was probably from high school so almost 20 years ago... and he looked like Harry Potter.

All the pictures looked like three different people, so I had no idea what this guy could look like and I really wasn't planning on going any further with it.

So, I'm at the mall the day before I leave on a backpacking trip to the UK and Europe. I'm like totally in a hurry and I'm like, "I need to buy an iPad or SOMETHING!!!!!!" so I had no makeup on, unwashed hair, wearing clothes that I actually did sleep in the day before. I probably smelled terrible, no accessories and the day before I got a bad haircut where she actually scalped my bangs. I honestly don't think that I even brushed my teeth. (Shut up, you've done it). AND then I get a text!

"Hey, want to meet my friend? Come to this vegetarian restaurant in an hour!"

Oh man. So, I go to Sephora and slap makeup on my face, find some body spray at Target that makes me smell like a baby prostitute, and scour my car for abandoned earrings or necklaces or something to make me look less like a hobo.

Or I could have just said no. But, I was curious as to what this guy was like and I'm always up for a blind date. Even though it wasn't a date... BECAUSE MY FRIEND WAS THE CHAPERONE! Every single set up or blind date I've had, it was just me and the guy... I've never had a set up where my friends come on the date too! Hahahhahaha.

Literally the most awkward meet that I've ever had. This guy looked NOTHING like any of the three different guys in the photos. He almost never spoke to me, and basically spoke just to our mutual friend. He looked like the typical beer drinking oil field worker that runs rampant in our great state of Alberta, Canada. I'm sure he is a decent person but the only way you get to draw out a shy person in conversation is by being alone with them. Then they are pretty much forced to talk to you... or at least avoid looking at you and make it awkward on their account.

SO IT DIDN'T WORK OUT GUYS. STILL SINGLE.

Plus, I threw up all the vegetarian food I ate as soon as I got home. So gross. Pre formed vegan "meat" full of chemicals and deep fried? I thought vegetarians tried to be healthy, but I was so wrong! If my body is rejecting vegan chemical food it's a good thing I didn't respond to Vegan Man's facebook request.

What's funny is that my bff made an offhand comment a week ago "Oh you know where you can find a lot of single guys? On flights to Fort Mac". Thanks but no thanks.

Back in Business...

Hey Fans! I've had so many concerned emails...

"Where are you?"

"Hey this is funny... anymore dates?"

"Did you stop dating?"

"Did you get married or something?"

WOW. I had 78! emails from fans asking about me and telling me how much they love my horrid dating blog in my absence from posting. Plus my real friends in my real life were asking about it! Sorry guys. I have a life, or somewhat of a life.

I finished a bachelors degree and I was really stressed out, taking twice the amount of classes to graduate (with honours) and on time.

Then I laid around and watched netflix.

Then I started travelling.

Not much time for frivolous blind dating during that time, and remember that I've dated most of the men in my town already. Although I did have a somewhat blind date before I left on a backpacking trip. I'll post it this week....

"Proof that man is doomed", or "I never have to date again".

Women don't need a man to support them because there is welfare. 

Women don't need men to have children,

because there is artificial insemination and 

tons of unwanted Chinese babies to 

buy on the Internet. 

Women don't need a man to protect them because there is bear spray. 

Women don't need a man to change a tire because there is AMA. 

Lastly, 

Women 

Don't 

Need 

A 

Man

Because 

There's 

THIS. 

Available on Amazon. Just google boyfriend arm. 

Those Pastors Kids....

It's difficult to know what to write about dating Pastor's Kids (PK's) because they are a whole separate species. For some context, it's not an easy life. They have to not only live up to their fathers expectations, but THE WHOLE CHURCHES EXPECTATIONS. I dated my first and only PK when I was 25. I was naive and thought wow, this guy must be so godly because he's a pastors kid!  HELL NO.

So here are 25 things I have to say about dating THAT pk.

#1 I was his very first ever girlfriend.
#2 He wanted to make out 2 seconds after becoming "official."
#3 He kept saying "Wow, I have a girlfriend!" over and over.
#4 I always caught him looking down my shirt.
#5 I never actually saw him ever read a bible.
#6 He considered U2 to be a) good, b) christian music, c) equal to God
#7 His nose was bigger than Brazil, and you know those things don't stop growing.
#8 He had to have his whole families approval before he would consider dating me?
#9 I think he compared every girl on earth to his sister, kind of hard to live up to.
#10 He wrote and recorded me a song about how selfish I am.
#11 He always tried to pin me down and grind his crotch all over me.
#12 He talked down to me and told me how stupid I was.
#13 My job just wasn't good enough for him.
#14 He told me that when we got married we could get a dog. I hate dogs.
#15 Did you miss that "we," I hope you didn't. What an ass.
#16 He would take me to his house that he was building and show off.
#17 His idea of flirting, was to put a pantsload of construction signs all over my front lawn. Felony.
#18 He would have rather been at the lake, than in church. Not my style.
#19 One time he stole the tip I left for the server on the table at a restaurant.
#20 Treated me like a piece of ass. (Yes, my rear was really nice back then, but still).
#21 So pretentious you wanted to kick him in the throat.
#22 He just wasn't my type... more BMW than El Camino.
#23 My church went crazy and everyone told us to get married, the best way to kill a relationship.
#24 He jumped in on a family photo, and then people died and it's THE ONLY ONE WE HAVE.
#25 He dated someone for just the heck of it, which is something you should never ever do.

Sigh

The thing that makes me so mad about this experience, is that I had a very strict policy about getting physical with guys. Meaning, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But, I lowered my guard and I should have never have done it. I don't know what I was thinking. I felt so foolish for so long after this, and I really beat myself up over it. I'm not saying that anything happened that would cause me to get stoned, (biblically!) but you know I just really feel that if you are making out with a guy you're not married to, it's likely that you are making out with someone else's husband.

My youth pastor had a really good illustration for this. He glued a piece of pink paper to a piece of blue paper. When he tried to separate them, there were bits of pink stuck on blue, it was all torn and messed up. At the time I didn't see the truth in that illustration. There are consequences for our actions. Whenever I think now about lowering my guard with a guy... I remember that illustration and I thank God that he can heal, he can restore, and he can take care of us better than we can.

Life Lesson: Don't date a pervert. If you date one by accident, dump him no matter what! You deserve better! 

Ok, #26 is a bonus. I went to his lake lot to meet his family which was of course awkward to say the very least. The relationship didn't last much longer after this, but I was left with a nice parting gift. We had went out on someones boat, and he lent me his water shoes to wear. 3 days later, I noticed a teeny purple splotch on the top of each of my feet. The tiny splotches turned into HUGE PURPLE SPLOTCHES the size of mandarin oranges. NI HAO. I went to a dermatologist who said that there is no known cause, no known cure, and that they can last 4-10 years. They did eventually go away as well as all my desire to date again... with my luck next time I would get scabies or lice or male pattern baldness.

Catman.

Well, my misery has been shared with 20,000 people so far. GOOD JOB ME. I started the blog a little more than a year ago, and I STILL have 2 dates of mine to write about. The best and the worst. I have an appointment with a hypnotist next week to dredge up the memories of the worst one. Eventually the smack will get laid down, but...

Thankfully I have friends that are serial killers. I mean, serial daters.

I got a text from a friend this week...

...and to my delight she said "Yeah, I made an online profile on a dating site. I had a date yesterday, tonight and I have another one tomorrow. I'll keep you posted!" Ok. That's a lot of dates. I don't think I have had more than one blind date a week! It takes me that long to recover... 6 days of hitting my head against a wall and holding the knife parallel to my veins thinking "Should I eat that chocolate bar before I do this? I mean, I don't want to waste it."

But I digress.

My friend got a message from Catman. That wasn't his real name, I just named him appropriately. His profile said "I'm a really good person, at least my cats like me." Yes. It's a crazy cat MAN! The elusive "cat bachelor" DOES exist... it's not just a myth. However my friend does not like cats, so she cancelled the plans they had.

8 months later, he messages her again! He had forgotten she turned him down, and sent her a bunch of messages and "winks." She reminded him that she cancelled on him, and mentioned that she is allergic to cats. (lies). He replied "Maybe you could just never come to my condo, or visit my natural path friend." Right. Then. So welcoming of you.

So she met him at Starbucks and he was 20 minutes late. He was wearing the exact same clothing that they wear at Cineplex Odeon, which was weird because he didn't work there. Her description of his face was "his face was kind of crooked, not sloth, but off, you know?" Love the goonies reference.. She said that his hair was weird, he was weird... just a weirdo. Because he stared at her for an hour. Just stared like he had never seen a woman before. She tried to draw him into conversation, but he just gave her one word answers and it was getting painful. Finally he mentioned that he had had a root canal and she got really excited because finally they had something in common and had 5 minutes of conversation. Then, he stared some more. And some more.

So awkward.

After an hour of crazy silence the staff told her they were closing soon so she chugged her coffee as fast as she could and stood up and tried not to touch him (bah hahhahaha... so funny) and said "Ok, yeah, see you later" and ran to her car. She said that he must live in her neighbourhood because she ended up following him in her car! For blocks and blocks, so she "got lost" on purpose. Then went home and used a lint roller.

"Sometimes you just know, that you can't date a Catman." 

It's a sweaty life out there.

When I was little our elementary school had a really scary teacher. His name was Mr. R. (I'd love to use his real name even though he's probably dead and no one would care). He taught grade 6, but had opportunities to terrorise kids from other grades as well. This was the kind of teacher that would have been fired in an instant in today's world, if he tried even one mean trick that he pulled back in the 90's. I'm sure he had good qualities, but I'm grateful that he wasn't my dad.

One of the lies that he told us that if we pulled a fire alarm, it breaks an ink vial that pours UV ink onto our hand. If the fire department uses their black light, they can see who pulled it because the ink glows. It only JUST occurred to me, that this is not true. A lie that transcends 2 decades...

Now that we're all grown up and have condo's and bleep like that, a fire drill might be just what you need to meet cute guys in your building. "She" denies that she pulled the fire alarm, but you never know. There might have been a real fire. mmmph.

His name was "Mr. Pj's." They met in the lobby and discovered that they lived a few doors down from each other. The fire drill was almost an all nighter, in winter, so they abandoned the lobby and went to sit in his car. The problem with an overnight fire drill is that you don't get to see what people wear when they are not supposed to be sleeping. Mr Pj's was wearing pj's. She thought he was kind of attractive, and wanted to meet him in daylight to see what he actually looks like.

Because of his weird work schedule, he ended up going to her condo at 11 ish at night. And he wore pyjamas again? On a real first date, this guy wore pyjamas. And socks with holes in them. And no shoes. Other people might think she was being judgemental and picky, but not me. I also would have been appalled. (I mean, I did just get back from England where the men wore suits so beautiful I would have hand washed them in unicorn tears, but....)

YOU DON'T WEAR THIN COTTON PYJAMA PANTS ON A FIRST DATE.

Unless you both come from the same mental institution.

She ended up seeing him a few more times and realised that he did have some other quirks. For their second date he took her to a fast food restaurant. Not very impressive, but what was least impressive was that he wore his workout clothes. That smelled like sweat.

In fact, every single time he met up with her, he wore sweaty smelly workout clothes? They were not clean, they were not washed... it was like he was permanently at the gym. My friend is fairly athletic, so maybe he wore them to impress her, to make it seem like he was more athletic? Pyjamas to work out clothes... but no suits in between.

A note for the faithful men that read this blog... this is how you get a girl to break up with you. Just smell really bad... it does the trick. 

Other people have it worse than I do, hallelujah.

There's just something about hearing about other people's bad blind dates that automatically makes you feel better about your own miserable dating life. I spent the afternoon growing at least 3 inches taller while I heard these horror stories.

So my friend managed to have a good blind date last night, although... I suspect that she will find something wrong with him sooner than later. She said that he had an eyebrow ring, which is SO late 90's. I'm always surprised that people still pierce them. It's just not popular anymore. Plus, it leaves a scar. I know this, because I was alive in the late 90's and no matter what- I have the curse of the eyebrow piercing that never grew in. If I want to re-visit my youth I can just stick a safety pin in there. 21 piercings and counting over here. One was stepping on a nail, but it still counts.

She said that the date went pretty good... with one exception. They were talking about things that are funny in the workplace, and men and women obviously have different senses of humour because he told her fart jokes. Come on ppl. If it wasn't rule #1 to "Never tell a girl a fart joke on a first date" IT IS NOW. That's horrible! You don't know how she's going to take that. She might laugh and think it's the funniest thing she's ever heard, laugh awkwardly and politely and think you are gross, or she'll wrinkle up her nose and check her watch/phone. The odds are the latter. Fart jokes will inevitably happen in a relationship... but usually after "The first fart." This happens at some point in time, and you can make it awkward, or you can make a joke out of it. The other party has a mutual understanding to laugh at the joke, because they know that THEY could have been the farter. Thus, the relationship is opened up to bodily functions and everyone grows closer together.

Now.... this isn't even the end. I have more.

She went out with a guy, and he became increasingly fidgety and agitated. She saw that his car was being towed, and told him. He didn't want to go over and do anything about it, for a good reason. He was actually ARRESTED ON THE DATE by the police and thrown into the back of a cop car. I forgot to ask how she got home.

The next blind date was with a Mr muscles type of guy that liked boxing. He told her that he was almost mugged earlier that day by a homeless man. He actually beat the guy up, and THREW HIM OFF A BRIDGE. She asked if the guy was ok, and he said that he didn't look. So she copied his photos from his facebook and called crimestoppers.


Next, she was contacted by a guy online that asked her if her or any of her friends needed some housework done? AND IF HE WOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR THEIR CLOTHES WHILE HE CLEANED?

I mean... after all that... a little fart joke isn't that bad, is it?