Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Mr. Soccer Jersey

You know, after all these years trying to find a decent guy, I still haven't given up. I've seen 99.9% of my friends get married and live in kitchen-aid bliss. I've seen it all...

Boyfriend pics, 
ring pics, 
engagement pics, 
tbt pics, 
shower pics, 
wedding pics, 
baby bump pics, 
baby pics, 
2nd baby bump pics, 
3rd baby bump pics 
and for one lucky friend a 4th baby bump pic. I say "lucky" because the kid is adorable but you know... diapers, puke, crying... lol. And I can only imaging what happens to your vagina after 4 kids. 

It's all a little obnoxious. I'm running out of people to unfollow. But the girls doing it don't think it's obnoxious. How are they not sick of it either? Oh. It's all about competition baby. And in this game of "my life is better than yours and I can prove it," I am a loser.

Of course I'm jealous that they can brag on the internet about things that I cannot... but for now I'm enjoying my nights off and my 10 hours of un-disturbed sleep every single night. However, it still kind of sucks not having someone to take those pics of... (Oh I've got cats.) 

I haven't given up, but I haven't lowered my standards. "But how do you expect to meet someone if you won't be open to anyone?" Well. There are some men that you don't want to be open to. 

A friend texted me the other day "How would you feel about going out with a fish monger?" 

What. How is that even possible? #1 I didn't know that was a real job. I figured that fishermen just did their thing... fishmongers are real and they sell fish. However I actually hate fish and I won't eat it. Fish are supposed to feed dolphins, whales and sharks and then white people go to aquariums to look at them through glass. And then Japanese people eat them. 

Another friend knows a guy that "does crafts, and cooks." 

Hmmmm. That's kind of different. Usually you don't find that combination in straight men. But she said he goes to church, so I was like ok maybe? She said he's an engineer, so he definitely wouldn't be after me for my money. I'm laughing as I say that. And this is what happened. He emailed me mentioning that our mutual friend wanted to set us up and that he doesn't like blind dates. In fact he hates them and called them "trainwrecks". So I of course offered to dress up in a lady-suit and he could pretend to interview me for a job if that would put his mind at ease. He politely declined, but asked me out for coffee and said "I'll be the one in the soccer jersey and the ball cap." 

That just gave me the creeps right off the bat. I pictured sitting across the table from this guy wearing this jersey and I was like, ok this is not going to work for me. (for good reasons... stop judging). I ran this past a few friends and they were like honey no. I was like exactly. Because this. 

I shower for dates and put on makeup and clean clothes. I definitely put more effort into going on a date than I put into going to Walmart. And there are plenty of guys in Walmart in soccer jerseys. I actually TRY to impress the guy I am meeting with more than my sparkling wit. And this guy just GETS to roll out of bed, throw on a jersey and a CAP and meet a gorgeous girl. How fair is that? And if a guy doesn't put any effort into a first date... what's next? Using toilet paper as a coffee filter? Opening a case of beer and calling it a night? Like come on buddy if I'm not worth even combing your hair for then you are not a dateable man. 

And I am a very worthy woman. I have the vagina of a 20 year old! I am financially responsible for myself! I am fucking hilarious! And I don't drink or do drugs!  I am definitely worth a shower at least. So I messaged him back saying no thanks, I feel like I am not attracted to guys who put no effort into meeting a woman. And I included a link to a REALLY great article about what to wear on a first date. 

Never heard from him again, lol. I guess he didn't read it. But you can! Click below to up your game.