Sunday, 30 October 2011

#38...... continued.

Many of you read my first entry about third date guy, and there is a reason he's called third date guy. Three dates... obviously.

So in spite of my stunning projectile vomiting this guy wanted to go out again. 

Or did he?

After date #1, a mutual friend told me to be careful, because this guy just hangs out with girls and flirts, and texts, and it never goes any further and the girl(s) get really hurt. Hmmm. This made me wonder if maybe he was a closet gay guy? A lot of my gay guy friends have tons of flirty relationships with girls. ??? Hopefully not though. Another mutual friend told me that he told them that he had no intentions in dating me again, he didn't like me, wasn't interested... that kind of thing. So when he wanted to hang out again, I was like "Hey wait a minute..."

Reference Bridget Jones Diary. 

Well, yes... this sounded to me like a clear case of "Emotional Fuckwittage". I first learned the term while watching the favorite movie of all slightly overweight single 30 something girls. Bridget Jones Diary. I've even read the book, which has far more crude British language, in case you are in the mood. But I digress. Warning bells went off, and what's a girl to do? What would a normal girl do? What would you do? I can only tell you what I did, and that was to CALL HIM OUT. 

I descended my testicles, totally confronted him and he was at first mad at his friend for telling me, and second totally denied it. Really? Come on, I wasn't born yesterday. The part that makes me REALLY MAD is that he got me to admit that I did kind of like him, and I was interested. He replied with "That's cool." ??? That's cool?  Come on, I at least deserve a reciprocal interest-ation. Well what do you have to say for yourself Mr. Cool? 

He said that he totally wants to see me again, to get to know me better. Can you really trust a guy who behaves like this? My friends aren't liars, so I believed them. I tried to believe the best in this guy as well, so Date #2 happened, even though I felt like I was getting played the whole time. 

Third Date guy happened to have a motorbike- so we went for a ride. This is kind of awkward. If you've ever been a Christian girl, on a date with a Christian guy.... you will probably try to keep from wrapping your entire body around his. It's kind of skanky. But when you're on the back of a bike going super fast through back roads... yeah you just have to do it or..... fall to your death. I chose skank instead of death. Always a good choice. We stopped for hot chocolate, I managed not to throw up again, and went back out on the bike. Generally.... this guy is not a bad guy. He somewhat redeemed himself by being nice and shielding my freezing hands from the wind... good manners matter. But that's about it... I honestly don't remember too much more, but I must have had a brain aneurysm because we ended up going out again. This is why I call the blog "waste of makeup".... sometimes you waste your time, and makeup, but ever holding out that the next one will be the last one. 


Thursday, 27 October 2011

So jealous...

A friend sent this to me on FB today.

I think the only thing worse than being a single woman over 30 is actually just being a woman.


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The... world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Not fair. 

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

#34. The worst one of them all.

This was one of the worst, if not the worst.

Picture yourself the week before you turn 30.

Sigh. This was where I was when I agreed to go out with this stupid guy. Well, I guess you could say that he probably was not stupid... but exceptionally intelligent. You'll see.

I met this guy online, and he contacted me and wanted to meet for coffee. He looked decent in the pictures with dark hair and no beards or mustaches in sight. If I remember correctly he was surfing in most of them. (Because we have so much ocean nearby in rural Alberta). We agreed to meet at one of the trendy university hangout places that stay open really late.

As soon as I arrived I was confused. He was there, but he looked nothing like his photos. He lied about how tall he was, and how bald he was. Sigh. He said that he was a professor at one of the nearby colleges... and that's almost all I remember because he talked about how smart he was for an hour. This has happened to me so many times I am really good at smiling and nodding. He explained that he is even smarter than a genius because he has exceptional hearing. Hearing is a sign of intelligence, so he is way above genius level. I admit that I wasn't paying that much attention... and when there was a break in the conversation he started talking about other girls he's dated. (Major Faux Pas). He started talking about age... so I mentioned that because he was 32 years old (remember I was 29) he was technically the oldest guy I've ever dated, since I usually date younger men.

Just wait for it.

He must have been offended by that comment, which to me seemed innocent... maybe he has an age complex or whatever? I'm not sure. Maybe his mother calls every night to ask when he will give her grandchildren? Maybe he has 10 younger siblings that got married before he did and he feels insecure? Whatever was going on in his mind does NOT justify what he said to me next.

Wait for it.

He looks me square in the eye, juts out his chin, narrows his eyes and says,






I was kind of stunned at his rudeness and thought he might be joking... but when no punchline came I was just kind of in shock. I didn't know what to say so I asked him "Can you HEAR my clock ticking?" and he actually said YES. 

Did that just happen? It did. 4 days before I turned 30. What a kick in the crotch. Bastard. 

So we made polite conversation for the next half hour. Got up to leave and I was reminded again at how many inches he forgot to mention in his profile. This guy was as tall as I am.. and that is the height of a small child. He proceeds to ask me out for coffee again.. and meant it. He wanted to go for coffee again RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE. ??? Who does that? 

How about no. 

I am still blown away by this guy's tactless comment. No one should ever say that to a woman... especially not one who is turning 30 soon! Honestly, I don't care if I have children or not. As far as I'm concerned all my eggs can either stay unhatched unless I sell them all on eBay. I certainly wouldn't have children with him... they would end up hobbits.  

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

#25 not so Happy Meal.

During the summer of 2009 I had a set-up with a guy my friend worked with. She worked at a design company, and she had taken pictures of this guy with her iPhone while they were eating lunch at work. For all I could see, he looked really hot eating a sandwich. And yes.. I only date Christian guys, so yes... he was. But altogether cuter than the ones I already knew.

So we set up a coffee date over email, and since I had errands to do downtown we met at a coffee place  that had free parking, yay! I got there first, which is lame, because I am always so stupidly prompt. On a blind date, I always feel being early looks like you are desperate. When the guy came in, I had to wipe a bit of drool off my chin because he was actually really good looking. Amen.

He announces that he doesn't really want coffee, and did I want to get something to eat? At the time I was on the Dr. Bernstein diet, so I basically ate 460 calories a day (yes, I counted) and watched my own body eat my own fat. The result was amazing, I was skinnier than when I was in high school and could wear size zero. (Don't get grossed out, I'm only five feet tall so I basically looked average). I figured that getting something to eat wasn't a bad idea due to his dreamy-ness, and I could just eat a salad. So we get in his ESCALADE and drive a few blocks. Into an actual McDonald's drive through. Yes folks, this hot rich guy took me to McDonald's. Not even into the greasy place, just to the drive through. Sigh. He ordered a full biggie sized big mac meal. I ordered a diet coke, because he said that he usually didn't allow eating in his ESCALADE, and I didn't want to offend with a dry, dressing-less salad.

He parks in the parking lot, and spreads out napkins all over his lap, steering wheel, sides of the seat and left a stack on the dashboard in case of emergency. He carefully opens up his big mac box. He slowly reaches for it, and... eats it layer by layer. ??? Do people really do this? I was confused, because in the pictures my friend took he was eating like a normal person. I mentioned that it was unusual to eat a burger like that, and he said that because he was in the ESCALADE it had to be done, in case of spills. I am all for being creative, but the smell of that burger and fries was driving me crazy!!! I hadn't eaten a proper meal in MONTHS, and here we were, hot-boxing an ESCALADE with the intoxicating scent of McDonald's.

At the end of this date I had decided not to see him again, because I just got the impression that he wanted to drive someone around in his ESCALADE, and he was just a little too hot, if you know what I mean. Not to mention being 5 years younger than me. I would have had to work too hard to maintain my hotness next to his smooth baby skin. I almost wanted to look in the glove box for pampers and baby powder.

The more I read this entry, the more I want to date someone my own age that has wrinkles. 

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

# 35 The date that never happened.

I had forgotten about this one, until a friend reminded me this weekend. I didn't even bother recording it in my journal, I guess I wanted to forget it as soon as it happened. I was actually really shaken up after this encounter, and I had called my friend from my car to let me come over and have her follow me to my house and walk me to the door!

This was a guy that found me online, and wanted to meet up. I checked his profile, and he was 6 foot, normal looking, a bit beefy, and had pictures of his quad, his dog, his truck, and himself- shirtless at the gym. I don't understand WHY guys do this? Do they think that it makes them seem attractive? I would rather see pictures of a guy helping old ladies across the road. One day, I'm going to BE an old lady and I will need help when my bones get as brittle as sponge toffee. Forget that... my new requirement for a date is a picture of a guy FEEDING an old lady, might as well go for the bonus round.

Usually these guys want to date tall, thin, busty blonds with lip injections that put out, so I'm not sure what attracted him in the first place. But, he said that he was a Christian on his profile and in his shirtless picture he had a Jesus fish tattoo...? Couldn't be all that bad... ???

So I was supposed to meet this guy at Moxies restaurant. It was the middle of the week, and a chilly winter night. I'm usually pretty prompt, unless there's traffic or an accident or something. It being winter, and rush hour... I gave myself an extra 20 min to get there on time. Even with that, the traffic crawled... there was a train holding us all up. Stupid trains. I pull into the parking lot, and I'm only 2 minutes late. That's not such a big deal is it? Most people would think that is actually right on time, right?

I walk into the Moxies, and the hostess helps me find this guy sitting by himself in a booth. He sees me, stands up and YELLS at the top of his voice, "WHERE THE F### HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, LOOKING LIKE AN A###### SITTING BY MYSELF HERE!!!!!"

I just stopped in my tracks, my heart started pounding and I looked at the hostess whose eyes were wide open. Everyone in the restaurant was staring open mouthed at him. I turned on my heels and RAN to my car and got in, slammed the door, locked it and started the engine and drove off as fast as I could. I probably deserved a speeding ticket that day. I called my friend and basically just said I was coming over and she could tell from the tone of my voice that something was wrong. I felt like such a baby, asking her to take me home and tuck me in, but I've got some great friends and I would do the same. Spinsters UNITE! She let me in, gave me a hug, made me hot chocolate, gave me an Oreo and sat back to listen to what happened. She's going to make a GREAT Mom one day. 

So that's that. The date that never happened.

I am going to give you some advice here...

Never date someone with serious anger issues. That's pretty obvious, but when you are in love you tend to overlook faults. Until you get a black eye or bite marks on your shoulder. Then, you justify it somehow, and even though I don't know you... you deserve better than that. My youth pastor gave me this advice, and I will never forget it.

and... it took me almost a year to go back to that particular Moxies.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

#36 Mr. Surprise.

I met Mr. Surprise online, and we had exchanged emails for a bit... then started to text.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. Once you start texting someone you don't know, you're in a relationship weather you like it or not and if not... they can PHONE YOU any time any day. I'm sure there's an iPhone app for stalkers where they can follow you incognito around the city and sneak up behind you and smell your hair.

My new texting buddy wanted to meet and go for a (chilly) walk in the river valley. At the time it sounded good... cold but good. The weird thing was that he didn't want to meet at a coffee shop or anything like that... it was just on the side of the road on a particular bench downtown. ??? Kind of sketch, and for all I knew some homeless guy would be sleeping on it when I got there. I bundled up and found a parking space and actually put the club on my steering wheel for the first time. Yeah, we got thugs in Canada too. I found the bench and waited, hoping that he could read my mind and bring hot chocolate.

Nope. He brought something else.

A guy wearing jogging pants, fancy red parka, red touque and mitts is walking down the avenue. He stops and says "Hello are you _________?" Well, I'm confused because he has no less than THREE dogs on leashes. This was a dog walking date. I had no idea that such a thing could exist? I didn't even know that he owned dogs? I mean, I don't bring my cat on blind dates. He's pretty vicious though so maybe I should?

I just decided to have a good attitude, and lie about how much I loved dogs. Un-ethical, I know, but dog people get just as offended when you don't like dogs as mothers do when you say you hate babies.

Onward to the magic. He gives me the smallest dog to walk, which was one of those curly white haired ones with all the crusty brown junk crammed under it's eyes. He had the other two, who really just smelled each others junk the whole walk. I actually started to feel bad for my dog, because it didn't get no play. So Mr. Surprise talked about his dogs. For almost the whole date. He didn't just tell me everything about THESE dogs, no, he talked about the dogs he had as a kid, and how they died, and how he buried them and his dad made a tombstone and it was in the backyard, and he went back to his childhood home and peeked in the yard and the tombstone was gone and it was really really hurtful.

Sigh. He ended up getting mad at me a few times. It was winter, like I said. The paths were actually icy in some places, and I slipped and fell twice! My last season Ed Hardy boots had almost no traction, and the first time I got tangled in the leash, (he did NOT help me up) and the second time I almost fell ON THE DOG and he gave me the stink eye. At least he dog-walked me back to my car at the end.

I don't know how many times dogs go to the bathroom on walks, but it was a LOT and if I was interested in Mr. Surprise--- the feces just killed it for me.

Fecal matter is not a joke friends.

After this... he would text me from the dogs, asking me for another walk. Thank God I went to China after this and got my revenge actually eating dog. Did I just write that? I did. 

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Guest Blog #3. Pretty Woman.

This arrived in my inbox and I got shivers up my spine. 

My bad date story starts with a charitable notion. I was asked to pose for the Edmonton Sun for the Ride for Dad which is a charity that raises money for prostate cancer. For the shoot I had to pull off a biker type of look. I went and purchased a skimpy leather outfit, got a spray tan, and had my makeup professionally done. If you know anything about photo shoots, you know that the makeup is not exactly daywear. So I am driving to this photo shoot looking like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman and suddenly two of my tires fly off in opposite directions. What a disaster. That is how I met Prince Charming (or so I thought).

He was an AMA driver. He was also a firefighter (heck yes!!!!!)
He was a Christian to boot. What more could I want? I should mention that he picked me up and rescued me and I totally looked like a street walker so I didn’t have the guts to flirt with him or anything. So I tucked my number into a book in his car and hoped he would find it eventually.

A few days went by and I got a charming text from him. We talked, texted, and emailed for almost 3 months and finally decided to meet up. Things seemed to be going well. We met up for coffee and he was as good looking as I remembered. The chatting was going well. We decided to go for a walk to Rundle Park. We took his truck there and started walking across a romantic bridge when my phone rang. It was odd because it was a blocked call so I decided to answer it. On the other end was a woman asking “are you with _____ ______.” (his name) I told her yes and I could hear a newborn baby crying in the background. She proceeded to tell me that she was his wife and that she got my number because I texted him a few days earlier while she was in the hospital giving birth. I was horrified!! I was apologizing to her and told him he needed to drive me back to my car immediately. WHAT A NIGHTMARE!!

The whole ride back to my car he gave me some elaborate story about how she isn’t his wife but some crazy ex who stalks him and does stuff like this all the time. Then he went home and told her that I was a diamond dealer and that he was meeting with me to buy her a diamond to celebrate the birth of their new child and that I played along so that I didn’t ruin the surprise. She stayed with him and I dodged a bullet.

Waste of makeup says: Why can't married guys wear wedding rings? Oh, so they can cheat. I forgot. 

Happy One Month Anniversary!

Today is a happy day, because the blog is one month old!

Over 2000 people have been exposed to my horrible dating career, and laughed, shook their heads in disbelief or pitied me. I'm OK with that. I do all three simultaneously sometimes. 
And other times, I throw up a little in my mouth.

Thank you to all the emails that come in with praise for the blog, and no, you're not alone in this. Dating is horrible sometimes. It's addictive... it's like you never know WHAT will happen. It could be the one, or it could be horrible... me, I like the horrible ones. It gives me something to make fun of when 
My big Fat Gypsy Wedding isn't on T.V.

And as for the rude emails.... did you not read the disclaimer? I don't care about what you have to say. Either do the Gypsies.