Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Rudegirl strikes again!

Did I ever mention that I've been known to do a little belly dancing in the past? I'm not pro, but I can fake my way through with a coin belt and a good shimmy. One of my good friends was a teacher, so I took a couple years of classes. I met her boyfriend several times, knew his name and all that jazz. One day she calls me and asks if I remember dating him 12 years in the past? What? No way.

She tries to jog my memory, mentioning that he plays guitar for a local ska band. I knew I had never dated anyone from that band.. but I did date a guy from a different ska band and I told her all about it...

------------Dream Sequence---------- 
    Lets go back to 1998, shall we?

I went to a punk rock show with a few friends. This, is something I did regularly... a few times a week. I even had a fake I.D so I could go to punk rock shows that weren't all ages. This is how I stayed thin in high school... drinking my calories and skanking at ska shows. There are many ways to skank just so you know.

Drunk Mosh Pit Skanking
Skanking with a STOMP
Old School Jamican Skank
How To Get Beat Up Skank 
Skank Vs Skank 

The last video is the closest to MY Skank... the rude girl, not the actual skank. Basically you just hold out your elbows, swing your arms and kick your legs out. You can add a jump, a double kick... but one of the worst things ever is getting elbowed in the eye socket by a tall, sweaty, shirtless guy in a mosh pit. I know this.

So at the show I had my two-tone clothes on and was skanking to the opening act to Fishbone. The band was actually pretty good, from what I remember. The guitar player caught my eye, and he started guitar flirting with me. If you've been guitar flirted with... then you know what I mean. If not, I'm afraid I can't explain it... but there were sparks. I had to leave the show early, so I wasn't able to talk to this guy or get his number or name.

A few days later one of my friends from the show calls me and is screaming and super excited because my flirty guitar guy tracked me down through a friend of a friend of a trumpet player. So she gave him my # and told me to expect his call. Melt. Honestly... so flattering. Like this guy put a lot of effort into asking a hundred strangers if they knew me. So he called and we made plans to meet up.

This is where I learned that he was not even 18 years old, didn't drive, lived at home, was in high school, wore clothes his mother picked out, and wasn't allowed to talk on the phone after 8pm.

My "inner party girl" didn't want to date a guy who couldn't party seriously--- so one day that I was supposed to meet him I stood him up. He called me later on that day and was super super pissed at me. I remember this quite clearly. I made some lame excuse like I was sick and couldn't call him because he was at school.... and we never talked to each other again.

---------Dream Sequence Over.--------

So I am telling my friend this story, about how I stood him up, and how he was a loser, and lame and a momma's boy.... all that jazz. And she stops me and says "Yeah that's him."

Gulp. Rudegirl strikes again.

Bonus track:

What's SKA? Ok, well the video below is weird Japanese Ska I found on the internet... but a few of my favorites are/were: The SelectorBuck o NineMighty Mighty BosstonesVoo Doo Glow Skulls and Save Ferris. Too many to link them all.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Ginger... SAY NO!

This blind date takes place in winter, not surprising because it's mostly winter here in Canada. I mean, we have a few nice days but you have to wear long johns under your bathing suit and put cleats on our tires.

So a long long long time ago when I worked at a video rental store (late 90's) I dated my first and only Ginger. At that time the appearance of a ginger was like a yeti sighting... not an everyday thing. I had originally thought they were mythological creatures much like the Unicorn and the Yak, but when I read the bible it turns out those are both real. The Gingers are real people! I am living proof, because I dated one.

This guy would come in and rent movies a few times a week, and I worked till 1am so I got to meet all the crazies. He would try out a new accent everyday. One day Scottish, the next British, sometimes Indian. Pretty amusing, and I like accents so I thought maybe dating a guy with an accent would be cool. Even though it was fake. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Against my better judgement I let him pick me up after work. At 1am. Can we say "Booty Call?" Wait, Christians don't say that... they say late night coffee. We ended up at Denny's, the romance capital of the night. He was actually interesting, and for a Ginger not bad looking. With all the freckles he almost looked tan, made me think of summer. So this is what he ordered:

Milk Shake.
Coca Cola
Side Caesar salad

Like this guy must have been really hungry... I had an iced tea. And no, he didn't feel weird about eating in front of someone who is not eating... he ate and ate and ate. He was so little I didn't know where he put it all! He talked with his mouth open. And belched. And... the piece de resistance... he "squished" his cherry pie through his teeth and laughed like a 3 year old. This is where I wanted to go home. I don't date 3 year olds.

His bank card was declined.

He tried it 3 times, and said that he knew for sure that there was money in the account. And then he just looks at me with big blue eyes glowing from the orange of his ginger gingery hair. I only had $5 and I gave it to the server for my iced tea. So he calls his DAD TO BRING HIM MONEY. At 3am!!! And because he was my ride, sigh... I had to stay there with him. He was too embarrassed to wait inside the Denny's, so he made us wait outside in winter. I hate the cold, and I told him I was going to wait inside and I had just gotten to the door when.... he threw a snowball at the back of my head! I turned around and he came at me and grabbed me and threw me in the snow and was laughing all goofy and yelling "Snow Angels!!!!!!!!!!!" Of course I got soaked, and mad because it's at least -30. I just glared at him and went inside to fume and wish for a time machine.

His Dad eventually comes, and yells at him in the Denny's for taking the car, not having money, waking him up, and me. Yes, he yelled at him for taking a "girl of the night" out for dinner. Not the first time I have been confused with working the night shift, and probably not the last. I was wearing my ugly video update shirt though, so I can totally see the confusion. So slutty.

So, he drove me home. Cold and wet and mad. I gave him an address down the block, so he wouldn't know where I lived, and went to the front door and pretended to fiddle with my keys.... he was watching me in the car and waving. He wouldn't leave! So I made some crazy hand motion and went to the back of this strangers house and went in their backyard... and he started honking the horn! Hahahaha... so I ran through their yard to the alley and hid beside some garbage cans in case he drove by. I remember waiting 5 minutes at least... and crept home.

He still came into the video store, but when he came to my till I would make my friend serve him... and after this I got a cell phone and kept an emergency $20 in my purse for cab fare.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Double Disaster.

Alright so sometimes I make bad choices, and one of these is to date guys that do not have transportation. I understand that sometimes there are circumstances, but how can people live without a car? Isn't it normal to save up and buy a crappy Honda civic in high school? This is one bad habit that I am ready to break.

I went out with this guy who was a friend, but always asked me out all the time... so I finally gave in. But get this.... he wanted me to meet him at the mall! Because we are in junior high, right? So ok, I can do that. We had made plans to eat in Bourbon street, and see a movie afterwards. But what he didn't tell me, is that he invited another couple to come with us? I got to the meeting place, and he was there with his friends and then tells me it's a double date?

This is super annoying by the way. I can be flexible, but was it so hard to ask me if I wanted to go on a double date? Or, at least inform me beforehand?

So ok. His friend refused to eat anywhere in the mall, and pitched a fit. It was actually causing a scene, and totally embarrassing. His date was a Filipino girl, that spoke almost no English, but had incredibly large breasts. Somehow I understood the relationship. To placate him, we just went to the restaurant that HE wanted to go to, so he would shut up and be a grown up. Thankfully it was the olive garden, which I love. We get there and the friend orders 2 appetizers, and when they come he offers to share them. I didn't eat any because the meals are huge and you get free bread and salad anyhow.

Every time my friend and I start talking to each other, his friend interrupts us and makes the conversation about him. His date..... says almost nothing. Because she doesn't know English. I asked him how they communicated, and he said that he gives her a free place to live and she gives him her pay cheque. OMG, right? What a louse. I wrote on my napkin "Find another guy" and slid it across the table. It didn't matter, since she can't read she just wiped her mouth on it.

At the end of the meal, I asked the server for a separate cheque. I usually do this, because I always have cash and I lay down a good tip no matter what. A good deal of the time, the other person says, "I'll take the cash and pay debit/credit" and I have no way of knowing if they are tipping, or stealing my tip. With a separate cheque there are no problems, and I can show my face in the restaurant again. This time- the friend said "No, I got it." This kind of indicated that he was paying the whole bill? Am I wrong? I thought that was great, considering it was his show all night and it was like we were getting paid to watch it.

The bill comes, and he gets out his nokia (yeah, this was before iPhone days) and he punches something in and then says "Ok, we'll split it 4 ways. You guys owe $__.__ each".

Excuse me?

1.) You told the server you were paying the whole bill.
2.) You ate two appetizers all by yourself.
3.) How can you expect us to split it equally? THAT'S INSANE.

I just looked at my "date," and shook my head, and chipped my share in. I didn't want to be rude to his friend, but let me tell you I was M.A.D. This is my biggest dating pet peeve... obviously if you read this blog you know that already. So I asked to see the bill to see how much the tip needed to be, and his friend wouldn't let me see it! I explained that I just needed to know how much to tip, and he said that $2 should cover it. Are you crazy? Only tipping $2 on a bill that is over a hundred dollars? That's so mean! He said that since they get paid a wage that a tip shouldn't be mandatory. Ok, it's not but being a server really sucks sometimes, and it's amazing how much a good tip makes you feel really good about yourself. Like it's a horrible job, but when you're good at it you get a shot of self confidence.

We went to the lobby... and I went back to the table to leave money on it while no one was looking.

When I went back, my "date's" friend said that we were all playing laser tag next. I couldn't stand this guy for one more second... so I said that my ankle was sprained and I'd take a rain check. I said goodbye to the group as a whole, and "limped" to my car. My "date" catches up with me and says "Uh, I need a ride home."

Sigh. Alright, I was kind of expecting it, so I didn't mind that much, just hoped to pass him off to his amazing friend instead. As I near his house he tells me to take a detour and drop him off at a friends house. I'm thinking... "Um, am I your mum? This isn't a mini-van or a taxi." I dropped him at his friends house, and he invites me in to play video games. He really, really wanted me to come in and meet his friends. He kept whining "Why, Why can't you meet my friends?" I just smiled and said maybe another time... and he took that to mean "lean over and try to stick your tongue down my throat".

I punched him in the face. I've only done this a few times in my life, and each time it was well deserved.

On the way home I went to the movie theater and saw a movie by myself. It was pretty good from what I remember.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The date at Taco Bell.

I usually write these late at night, which explains why I am so mean.

So a date that I was reminded of today was with a guy I worked with. Yeah, I know... don't do that. But he was a nice guy. Oh wait.. before I forget to tell you.... "Flirt & Convert" does NOT work. Not my best moment.

I was kind of getting the vibe that this guy liked me, and we started hanging out a bit. He was decently good looking, had a fab body (I'm shallow sometimes) and a nice car. That he bragged about all the time. Like, every time I got into it. Anyhow, one day we went to the ledge grounds to splash in the pool. It's not a big pool but hey, it's all we have for free outdoor entertainment. It's really a glorified kiddy-pool that kids and homeless people pee in and bathe in. We had some fun and then went to get a bite to eat at Taco Bell. Yes, I eat that slop and I love it. But now that I've given up all carbs, fats, sugar and starches I eat diet sawdust. Anyhow, there we were. Eating tacos. He was REALLY into eating well and fitness, and he made some comment that the food was fattening. Then he said "You know, you have a nice body now, but if you gain any more weight I won't be interested in you anymore."

My jaw dropped to the floor.

I made up my mind then and there to splice a photo of my face onto a really fat woman and give it to him for Christmas. Or better yet, add him in and make it a Christmas card and send it to all our friends and family. Anyhow.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he was rather awkward, and we went back to his house. Might I remind you that he wasn't a Christian, and that flirt and convert never work? Ok then. So his roommate is using the living room and I don't think they got along very well, so he's like "Hey I just bought new bedroom furniture, want to see it?" I'm not sure if this is a "line" or not, but I was thinking in my mind there BETTER be freaking new furniture in there or I'm leaving. I mean, we're friends and not dating, so there was no reason for him to think he's getting anywhere in my business, and in this case I made a mad dash for the desk chair that sat one person only! Hahahahhaha.

Three things:

1.) Yes, new furniture. But he was too cheap to buy an IKEA mattress to fit into his IKEA bed-frame, so he put his old mattress in it and it was slopping over one side and definitely not level. Kind of hilarious.

2.) HE HAD A STACK OF SELF-HELP BOOKS ON HIS NIGHTSTAND. Buddy, did you not think to put those away before you brought a girl to your room?

3.) He brought out a guitar and started singing to me. This is where I lost it, and was like... it's time to go.

Needless to say... we remained friends. And then I quit my job and never saw him again.

So there you go.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Mr. Naked

I call this guy "Mr. Naked" because it seemed like he had a really hard time keeping his clothes on. I re-iterate again, that I only date Christian guys, and I seem to meet all the freaky weird Christians somehow.

I met this guy online, he was decent looking, brown hair, glasses, but not nerdy. He was pretty buff actually. He wanted to meet at this tea place downtown which I hate, because there is no parking nearby. And, I also hate tea. Whatever. I got to the tea place and had to park 3 blocks away, but this is sometimes a good thing. If you accidentally meet a psycho instead of a normal date, having your car far is good. They can't memorize your license plate and STALK YOU. But, they might follow you to your car and slice your throat in a back alley... hmm... ok it's a toss up. Take a cab.

Anyhow, he looked just like his pictures, not too bad. This guy was like a total tea nerd/snob. He smells them all before he makes his decision, sneering his nose at chamomile and mint, and going for something "more earthy." It all looks like dirty twigs and leaves to me anyhow. This was the type of tea place that only serves tea. No coffee. No hot chocolate. No smoothies. No juice. No bottled water. No glasses of water. So, for me.... I really couldn't have anything. I asked for just a plain glass of hot water, and they said no. They made me buy a tea bag, to get a cup of hot water. Even when I explained that I don't like tea, and I didn't want to make my date uncomfortable by being the only one drinking. Did you catch when I said "I bought a tea bag?" Yup. Another cheapskate.

During our conversations I found out that he worked with computers, lived in a loft, and was German. He went to church, rode a bike... etc. One interesting thing he mentioned that since he was German, he was allowed to drink as much beer as he wanted, even though he went to church on Sundays. He's right, people CAN drink as much as they want, when they want. It's just not necessarily very Godly behaviour. Are we still good here? I'm not judging you, do what you want. I mean, I'm part Ukrainian, so I can eat as much perogies as I want right? And, I'm part Scottish so I can play the bagpipes whenever the hell I want to right? Good, I'm glad we got that straight.

Where this date went wrong:

He mentioned that he has a lot of tattoos. And, he showed them to me. He took his shirt right off, in the middle of the tea place, and showed me his sweaty German torso. Ok. Then, he TOOK HIS PANTS OFF. Yes, he had other tattoo's that he wanted to show me. The most memorable out of them all, was on his calf he had a tattoo of a cartoon Jesus, boxing with a cartoon Devil.... and winning. It was so bizarre.

I remember nothing more after this, except that we left and he kept chatting with me outside the place, even though it was freezing out.

Yeah, I didn't call him again.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

The trilogy of "Third Date Guy" is over.

So I went out with Third Date Guy for the last time. 

Randomly he called me and wanted me to go with him to this live show at a pub. I never go to pubs, because I teach kids and I don't want there ever to be a rumor about me that I am a party girl. I don't drink at all, so it's just the best thing to stay out of that lifestyle. This time I acquiesced, and decided to go. 

Instead of picking me up, he wanted me to drive to his house, and meet him there so we could go together. Not the biggest deal, but disappointing. He parked quite far away, so that parking would be free. Why do guys do this? It's rude. Just pay the freaking $4!!! When we got in the pub, he didn't want to sit with his actual friends, because he was still mad at them for telling me that he didn't like me and was playing me. I know... why the heck was I going out with him again? God knows. 

He ended up inviting a couple that he works with. WOW, a double date that he didn't mention. Thanks for making my night awkward, making awkward stilted conversation with people that I don't know. 

The live show was BAD. Like, demand-your-money-back-bad. I was like, "I set my integrity aside for this? What a waste." Like, if I was going to go to a bar to see a show it better be someone actually good, not some amature night. One thing I can say though, is that he bought me a pop. And I mean that he actually paid for it in full, and didn't try to get me to pay. The trouble came after his friends left. 

So we were "trying" to get to know each other better, so I had asked him all kinds of questions. Just normal get to know you questions... like What do you do for a living? What kind of church do you like to go to? How old are you? Do you like kids? What do you do in your spare time? Do you like to travel? And he asked me a lot of questions as well.  Just normal things... but all of a sudden he turned into a crazy person. I do a lot of kids ministry, aka, Sunday school teaching, things like that... and I asked him if he liked to teach kids at all. This was the catalyst. He freaked out and started saying that he didn't know, and then he contradicted all the answers to all the questions that I had ever asked him? Then he said that he didn't know "who he was in God." Now, WTF does that even mean? I raised my eyebrows, and said "Ok, we're done here, drive me back to my car now." On the 8 block walk back to the car, he accused me of many different things, one of which was verbally attacking him on purpose to make him feel small. Dude, you're 5 foot 3, I don't NEED to do that. And IF I had wanted to attack you, I damn well would have. But I didn't, it was just the crazy talking. (On his side). 

On the drive home, he started CRYING and told me all these really personal things about him and his life, and I don't think I have ever prayed so hard to get somewhere faster. I am really uncomfortable when men cry. Especially if they are wussy guys. Like dude, I am bad enough, I don't need another girly man around to be an example to me and future children. Suck it up. We FINALLY got back to his house and he JUST KEPT TALKING AND CRYING IN THE CAR. I think we were there for an hour, and inside my brain I was screaming for Jesus to come and save me. Finally I just said that I didn't want to be friends, and not to contact me anymore. But a week later, I had an email/texts. I ignored it. Another email. So we texted for maybe a week, him waking me up at 3am to say rude and insulting comments, then say that he was "only joking".... and I told him to leave me alone for real this time. A week went by, and an email. I replied and told him to get a clue and not contact me again. I told him I wouldn't speak to him again, unless it was at church to say good morning, with witness's around. Finally.... he left me alone. 

This ends the Trilogy of Third Date Guy.

I wish I had a Danny Tanner life lesson for you here, but I'm still astonished that I let this happen myself. If you don't trust someone, stay away from them, even if it's like a page-turner and you want to find out what happens at the end. It's just not worth it. Also, I will be forever indebted to my friend who told me about "airplane mode" for my iPhone... no more texts waking me up at night. 

Monday, 7 November 2011

Not a waste of makeup.

Gah, I totally had the worlds greatest post typed out and saved in here for a rainy day and IT'S GONE. No matter, I have the brain of a velociraptor.

This bad date was not blind, but by the end I wanted to scrape my own eyes out so it counts as a bad blind date. It was with a guy friend, that yes... I was attracted to and yes... we did hang out quite a bit. But he wasn't really my type. The main thing was that he had tattoo's. And not gross ones neither...

the guy I dated that had a DQ (Dairy Queen) tattoo on his thigh. Ok, he had shorts on. Don't be gross.
The guy with barbed wire around his arm. Srsly? It only looked good on Pamela for like, 20 minutes. Then we all realized it was crooked and she was kind of over the top.... I mean, a bad actress.
And the one to take the cake... the guy who had a cartoon Jesus boxing with a cartoon devil on his calf.... no joke friends, this is real. And Scary. Who wants to wake up to THAT every day? Shudder.

But I digress.

So I had some mall errands to do, so my cute friend came to the mall with me. Oh yes, must mention that he had full sleeves, his stomach done, as well as the back of both calves... minus Jesus. Just in case you were wondering. He got some done in Thailand, which I thought was pretty cool, because I have been there a few times. I think I've been to the Bangkok airport more times than the one in my own city.


Mall errands. So we are walking around, and he asks me what I think of his clothes. I cannot tell a lie so I William Tell him that rags are not becoming, and neither is Ed Hardy. Unless we build a time machine and go back to 2008. So what do we do? Spend 6 hours buying him new clothes! By the end of it I was sooooo tired.... my feet were dragging so we went to grab dinner. Now this is where it gets weird. I guess that shopping, is code for "Hey, I'm going to move it to the next level." He tried to hold my hand across the table? Buddy we're NOT DATING. You can't molest my hand unless there's some sort of commitment there, at least more than a 6 hour shopping trip. (And you got all the clothes, you should be content). By the way, sweaty palms are the worst, fill your pockets with baby powder or invest in some skin colored flesh gloves so no one will know. So instead of grabbing my hand back and yelling cooties, I fake sneezed, and then needed my hand back to fake blow my nose and kept them in my lap for the rest of the night. Later on he started asking me about what celebrities I thought were attractive, and what I like in a guy, all that jazz. So, because he's staring at me with Disney Eyes across the table I don't want to tell him my top 10 must haves! Bad idea. Once you tell all your business all over the place you can't really trust that people are who they are supposed to be. I was 78% sure that this was not the guy for me, so I kept my mouth shut and wouldn't answer him. But he kept pestering me! Every second sentence was either "Tell me what you like in a guy" or "Why won't you tell me?" Sigh. I had to work really really hard to put my patience face on which almost never makes an appearance and ride it out. Thankfully he had ordered a burger, so I figured that I'd get at least 5 minutes of peace. Well, he likes to TALK WITH HIS MOUTH FULL. The worst was when he started texting me "Why won't you tell me? Tell me!" right there at the table. I just put it on silent and put it into my purse and gave him the stink eye. Then he went to the bathroom, and texted me from the bathroom "Ok, he's gone... now can you tell me?" For serious. I was so glad that I met him at the mall and didn't have to drive home with him.

I don't know, maybe it IS a good idea to let people know that they are not your type from the get go? No amount of tattoo's in his case was going to make a difference. At least one man was liberated from the cult of Ed Hardy, so it wasn't a waste of makeup after all.