Friday, 30 September 2011

#37 The "Are You Going To Eat That"? Guy.

I met this guy at a New Years Eve party. Well, not the party itself but the AFTER party. We went to someones house to watch a movie, which one... I cannot remember now. I'm so old that all-nighters actually give me brain damage instead of youthful confidence. This guy seemed like a regular guy, and he added me on FB, and would ask me out all the time. I would just say I was too busy or whatever. But it ended up becoming summer and with that scores of weddings and engaged couples. At the time I just really wanted to go out for dinner with an interesting person and have a nice night. 

So I agreed to go out with him for dinner. I had just gotten back from South East Asia, and I was really tired and sick of Asian food, which he really really wanted to eat. After eating fish balls and pigs snout in China I was not budging, as the place he wanted to go to was a 50 min drive for me. Actually, it was HIS favorite place. We agreed to meet downtown, at an Earls. Warning bells went off in the back of my mind when he wanted me to text him when I was in the parking lot, so we could walk in together. ??? Why? I realized that he didn't want it to look like he was on a blind date. (Insecure). So we go in and get sat at a pretty nice table. The server is droning on and on about the drink specials, like for an actual long time... so I interrupt and mention that I am in AA so I won't be drinking. She smiles and leaves. This guy is just STARING AT ME. I had to explain that it was a joke, so that she wouldn't waste her breath. (I guess this is where I am the weird one). 

As the server takes MY order he blurts out his order as she is asking me what I would like, totally interrupting her, and makes really weird substitutions throughout and didn't say please or thank you. I thought only women made substitutions? 

He wouldn't let me order what I wanted. For real. He said that the appetizer I wanted was too small, and he will look like a pig and that I had to order something else. Excuse me? I just said that I was looking forward to this dish all day, so that was what I was going to have. He was really put out.  

Whew, that's over. Let the games begin. 

I learned that he is a people watcher. He just ignored me for awhile and watched people, and made rude comments about them. 

It was hard to understand him, because he had his hand over his face most of the date. I thought that maybe he had bad teeth or something? Not sure. 

During small talk he mentioned that he wanted to be a Pastor. OK, that's great! He was taking classes from somewhere, and had a few interviews with some churches. He said that they rejected him because he couldn't really answer the question "Why do you want to be a Pastor?" and when I asked he didn't know either. He said that "no one understands me". I really wouldn't hire him either. Good goal, but wrong for him. 

I asked him what he did for fun, and he didn't know. 

He told me all about his future dreams and goals, and then asked me what mine were. Excellent. Except after I told him about what I want to do with my life, (which was the opposite of his goals) he said "Me too!" 

This is the point where he just starts laughing and says, "That was really funny." I was like... "What was funny?" "That joke you told." "What joke?" "About being in AA." Buddy that was almost an hour ago and NOW you laugh? He kept talking about it afterwards like he'd never heard a joke before. ??? 

When he finally started to ask questions about me, they were really frantic "are you my wife?" questions. I was kind of disappointed, because I like to take things really slow and get to know people. Do you really need to know how much money I have in the bank, and if the women in my family are fertile or not? On the first date?

One really strange thing is that he made weird observations about me, my tone of voice and pointed them out to me. It was really awkward. He gave me a play by play of my night, like some sort of sports commentary. I didn't know if it was some sort of rude attack about my personality, or maybe he just hadn't gotten out in awhile? It was like he was analyzing me to my face, without the decency to do it on a blog so random strangers could laugh. 

When our meals came, I was excited and relieved to have something else to do. I had finished my chicken, and was pretty content when he asked me "are you going to eat that?" Well, I thought I actually had eaten it, but there were some crispy fried won-ton garnish type things left on the plate. I was a little taken aback, and I asked "Oh, would you like to try them?" figuring that maybe he is the "sharing" type? He looks at me and says "WELL, I'M PAYING FOR IT SO YOU BETTER EAT IT ALL". 

WHOA.  I have never been spoken to this rudely on a date before. I just looked at him and said, thank you for the offer but I think maybe I should pay for myself. He played the "big man" and scoffed and said that no, he would pay. Ok, way to make this really awkward. 

He was still talking with his hand over his face. It actually took me till the end of the date to find out that HE HAD A BEARD. (I really don't like facial hair, personally). Good thing it was covered up. 

When the bill came, he grabbed it and started whining that $40 was too expensive for a bill, and that the server didn't deserve a tip. Sigh. I told him that she did, because she brought us multiple drink refills, and our food, and that she actually gets docked by the establishment because tips are shared in most places. This ticks me off because I used to wait tables and cheapskates should be strung up in a burlap sack, covered with sugar and exposed to wild dogs. I convinced him to tip. But I still slid a $5 under my glass when he wasn't looking. 

As we are leaving, there was a man by the door shaking hands and signing autographs. He got really excited and thought it was someone famous. I turned my head to look and I was like, dude, that's the mayor of Edmonton. How can you NOT know who he is? I didn't say that out loud, but I thought it. I'm a snob I guess. At this point I was so ready for this night to be over, I just walked out the door with him on my heels, with him muttering that he wished I would have stopped so he could get an autograph. Sigh. 

One week later. He asks me out again. I say no. This happens a few times, and he eventually deletes me on FB. Hallelujah. 

One year later. He finds me on an online dating site and makes small talk. I send a brief message back, out of politeness. 

3 months after that. He comes into my place of work, with a girl and pretends NOT to know who I am. I was kind of sick of this already, so I remind him that he is the "are you going to eat that because I am paying for it blind date." I think that he was on a blind date at the time, and the girl looked really awkward after I pointed that out. He was blissfully ignorant. 

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Guest Blog #2. Orange Julius Guy.

Coincidently, Bad blind Date #36 dated one of my friends. (Oh yeah, girls talk). We were having breakfast in the Philippines sharing bad blind date stories when we figured out we HAD DATED THE SAME GUY. And, he turned out to be a cheapskate for both of us

Guest Blog #2. 

It all started a couple of years ago on Facebook. Back in the day, I was often seen on the chat system, even though I was never the one to initiate conversations. A boy (refer to blind date boy #36) starts chatting me. I knew him briefly from school, had seen him around, and had planned a couple of school trips that he was a part of. Thus, I knew his face and his name, and not really much else about him. The next thing I knew, the boy asked me on a date for the following afternoon. But get this, we went to a MALL.

After asking my mom if it was ok with her because I am young, and then asking some friends the next morning at school what they thought, I got with my prof and we stalked him on our school's system to see if we could find out more about him. We then decided it wouldn't really hurt to go out with him. Even if it was to the mall.

I had given him my number the night before, because I was a little tired of the Facebook chat. So I told him he could text me the next day and we could figure out details. Not only did he text me the next day, he also phoned me two times just to double check that I was still going.

Now this is how all good date stories start:
When school was finished, I headed to the mall. He had previously told me exactly where I could meet him, and where he would conveniently be waiting to "pick me up". Once there, we wandered inside. He began to tell me about this great coupon he had found the day before in his house for Orange Julius, which is why he wanted us to go to the mall. Because the mall had an Orange Julius. And couches. It was a buy 1 get 1 free coupon, and I hesitantly and then bitterly paid for the 1 we actually had to pay for.

Waste of Makeup says: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? He made you pay? AND HE HAD A COUPON?

Sitting on the couches, I found that he was quite boring. But I wanted to give him the time and the space to prove himself. I started asking him questions, and refused against all my boredom to look at my phone. I had placed it on silent in my coat pocket previous to entering the mall. He was doing good at answering my questions with 1-word answers, until finally he opened up. He said, "Well, there's just something I've been wondering this entire time." This should have been one of the millions of clues, but for some reason it wasn't.

He reached into his pocket, grabbed a stack of stapled papers out, and presented them to me. It was then that I realized that this paper was addressed to the professor at our college that I worked for, and that he was about to ask me something about it. He spent the next half hour or more asking me about the prof, the class, the specific paper, and how he could do better for this guy's other assignments.

Just when I thought I was floored by this, his phone rings loud and proud. And he answers it. He answered his phone. In the middle of our date. About his homework.

At this point I started to look at my phone, and made up some excuse about it being time to head home and help my mother make dinner. I thought I could ditch him right at the couches, and give him no chance. But instead he said, "I'll walk you to your car. I want to make sure you have enough gas and that it will run properly to get you all the way home." Just my luck.

We made awkward (for me) small talk on the way to my car about my evening plans (church, young adults night). Finally when he had checked everything and more that I knew a person could check on in my car, he gave me the go-ahead to leave.

Well, praise the Lord, I couldn't believe the worst date ever had finished. Or so I thought.

That night when I arrived at church for the young adults night, you would never guess who appeared... And all he did all night was hover around me, even after I got my pastor-friend to tell him to back off. Luckily I've never had to speak with him again.

Waste of Makeup says: This guy needs to get a job. And manners. 

Monday, 26 September 2011

#40. The guy who rides a bike.

This was actually a fun bad blind date. I met this guy online and he seemed kind of cool so after a few emails we decided to meet for coffee. And I don't even like coffee. So we met at one of those trendy hipster places where things are organic, and vegan, and middle-eastern with dirty couches spaced around the room. Everyone is wearing Tom's Shoes and a beanie or high waisted pants with frizzy librarian hair.

So this was one guy that actually did look like his profile picture. Bonus. A tiny bit chubby, but that can be attractive. At least he's not anorexic. First off he gets a beer. I get a hot chocolate. I kind of raised my eyebrows at the beer, because he initially said he was a non-drinker, and his profile said he was a nice Christian boy, but to each his own---- I'm not judging. I'm about almost half done my hot chocolate and he gets up and gets another beer and knocks it back. Ok, I thought... at least drunk people are funny. So I started asking him really strange questions, like "Would you rather have really long arms or really long legs?" And he says, "Whattttttt? My legs would be too long to walk, I'd have to cut them off and put them in my backpack." So I did this for awhile. I think there was nothing good on T.V that night, so might as well entertain myself. We actually had a lot of fun, and the next hour he had 2 more beers! By this time he is actually drunk and he can't even sit up properly, and he starts throwing pennies into my empty hot chocolate mug. He got one in, I don't know if it was legitimate or if it was a fluke.

I was hoping that I wouldn't have to drive this guy home, so I asked if he lived far. He lives all the way in Millwoods. It was winter, and really cold out, and I hate winter driving. To those that don't know, Millwoods is really far. I hate the south side, I always get lost.

So I tell him that he can't drive home, because he's had too much to drink. Guess what he said? "No problem, I rode my bike." Sigh. I told him that he shouldn't ride his bike across town because he could get run over, so he should take a cab. But because he bought 4 imported beers and a hot chocolate he didn't have any cash.

I had to make the choice.... give him money, or drive him home. I'll be damned if I will give a stranger, (a cute one) money for a cab. Be responsible and either don't get drunk, or keep an emergency $20 pinned in your underwears for when you are acting like a loser.

I decide to drive him home BUT HE WANTS ME TO BRING THE BIKE. I drive a really small car. I kept saying that it won't fit, there's no room... but he actually was really adamant that we at least TRY. Who am I to argue with a cute amusing drunk guy at midnight? Unfortunately, there is no front passenger seat in my car so it actually fit, with him in the backseat with his legs draped over part of the bike. It takes me almost 30 minutes to find his stupid house. He kept giving me bad directions, and finally I made him give me his drivers license so I could see the address.

Finally I find this guys house, grateful that he didn't puke in my car, and yes................ He did. He asked me if I wanted to sleepover. HELL NO. I thought about giving him a piece of my mind, but instead I  flung his bike between us and was like... see you later.... got in  my car and drove off... in the wrong direction, I got lost again, and this was before iPhone magic. I decided to ignore future booty calls from him, since I'm a non-alcoholic and don't want to be tempted.

Friday, 23 September 2011

#39. My friends Ex-Boyfriend.

I met this new guy at a fondue party. Some friends were planning on getting together, because we're old and it's hard to meet new people, ok? Otherwise I stay away from fondue. The main thing that is wrong with fondue is that you never know how much you are eating because you eat all night. Before you ask, this wasn't one of those fondue parties like in the 70's, where you put all of your car keys in a jar. No, just an innocent little dinner.

Except it was hosted by my friends ex-boyfriend. 

Who I had never met. So stop judging me. 

I brought two friends of mine, which was great BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE SHOWED UP. So instead of being super awkward, it was only a little awkward. But when I realized that this was the guy that broke my friends heart... Whoops, a loyal friend would spit in his drink when he wasn't looking, or steal all his shoelaces, or freeze ants in his ice cube trays. And I just didn't have enough time for all that.

He was/is a perfectly nice guy. Has a job, a car, a house... wears turtlenecks and throws fondue parties. But when he asked me out I just didn't get it. Who would ask out their ex's friend? Ignorance or confidence? I thought that was really lame, but he honestly did seem nice so I agreed to coffee. I know, I'm a horrible friend. But you never know right? I suspected that it would go absolutely nowhere just based on the fact that he was wearing a turtleneck. Turtlenecks are the most pretentious of all sweaters... and I just can't stand a snob. I'll be damned if I end up as a rebound girl to a snobby sweater.

So we did coffee.

What I have learned:

-I found out that you can easily be a snob without a turtleneck on.
-You don't want to date a guy that makes racist comments.
-Don't date a guy if he just broke up with someone else.
-Don't date a guy if you think he's not your type.
-Men in their 30's are a little weird.
-Don't wear turtlenecks.
-Don't eat fondue.
-Just don't.

There isn't a whole lot to report on this guy, but I got really put off when he said that he was too white to mop the floor. He works in management for a cleaning company... so no second date.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The guy that licked my face in 1996.

I know that you read the title of this blog and had to look twice. That's right, I said THE GUY WHO LICKED MY FACE. And yes, this happened in 1996. Stop judging me. Right now you are semi horrified, trying to picture it in your mind... but there is no way you could really understand the horror of what happened if you didn't see it. 

I met this guy in high school, and we all know that high school dating is a step above Jr. high, but not by much. They guys basically ignore you, and never take you anywhere. Because no one is old enough to drive. It starts out with a friend, who told a friend that someones friend likes you. Then you're "dating". This just means that you talk after school on the way to the bus stop and mutter "later" and get on the bus leaving him in a cloud of toxic diesel fumes. 

I guess that's why I started dating older boys. 

I said I met him in high school, but he wasn't a student. He was just visiting a friend for the day. He had dark hair, and scruff, and was all punk rock in his ripped jeans, wallet chain and leather jacket. Immediately I had to know who this JD was. At the time I was pretty hot for JD's...  I would date anything in a mohawk that looked like bad news. (I still might actually). 

  . . . :. . .. ' ; ; ;; . . .'': . . .:: : : : : <------- that's braille for "What the heck was wrong with me?" 

Lo and behold, he asked for my number and we started dating. We went out a few times to see a movie, and then he invited me to come to his apartment. See, older boys don't live with moms and dads. I go to this guys apartment (yes, he expected to get laid). (No, I did not). Older boys have high expectations. What do I see when I walk in the door? A complete pigsty. The floors were covered in those wood shavings that you see in pet stores. He explained that his ex-girlfriend had moved out and took the animals with her. The thing is that she moved out a few months ago. MONTHS ago. Animal shavings on the rug. For months. They were everywhere. Older boys do not vacuum. To try to get rid of them, he had placed blankets over top of the shavings like he's some kind of magician. He's like, "Hey, come and sit on the floor, it's comfortable". Ugh. I was like, "Um, no... I have asthma. I think I'm allergic to your apartment. I think I should go home now". 

So we took the bus downtown and he waited with me at the terminal for my bus to come. As the faithful #9 pulls up, he says "OK, see you" and he grabs me by the shoulders and LICKS MY FACE GOODBYE. Not just a small lick on the cheek. This was a wet slobbery calculated licking of every single nook and cranny of my face. Forehead, nose, eyes, cheeks, mouth, chin. It happened so fast, and I was so stunned... I just got on the bus and went home in a state of shock. 

My tiny teenage brain knew this was definitely not normal, so I ignored his calls after this. 

I ended up seeing him 4 months later, at the same bus terminal with a girl who was pushing a stroller... and he had a tiny little baby strapped to his chest in a snuggle thing. Ugh. Chalk one up for me...Winning at Virginity!  

Monday, 19 September 2011

Guest Blog #1 Scrappy date.

Happy Monday, I get to share my first guest blog with you!

"First off, love love love your blog! A friend of mine sent it to me and I nearly died laughing". 

YESSSS! I love being the object of everyone's laughter!!!! 

"Back when I was in university I met a boy at the local pub. After many rounds of beer pong we exchanged numbers. Fast forward a few days and he is at my house picking me up for my date. I had been told the activity for the date was going to be a "surprise". I was already mildly annoyed by this response (how does one dress for a "surprise"). As I climb into his truck I notice a few pieces of scrap metal in the back. He obviously saw my quizzical look and responded, "Ya, on Saturday afternoons I drive around town looking for scrap metal people leave by the curb, I thought it'd be fun to bring a date along this time." Now, I am not passing judgement for collecting scrap metal, but it hardly constitutes as a passable first date activity. For four hours we drove around, making frequent stops. During one particular stop he yelled at me for "making him lift all the heavy stuff". The date was concluded with a stop to the scrap metal yard so he could collect money for all the crap we had been scrounging for all day.
He didn't even offer to take me out for a beer with the money he pocketed, just dropped me off home and asked when we could hang out next". 

a.) What the?
b.) Scrap Metal?
c.) 4 hours of driving and awkward conversation and you can't even leave?
d.) He should lift all the heavy stuff. How else can he impress you?
e.) Oh wait, collecting scrap metal. That's how.
f.) If you leave out scraps..... he will come. 

I don't claim to be 100% telepathic, but I read your mind and got this picture... 

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Disney just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Sometimes after going on a bad blind date we can get a little discouraged. He smelled, had bad teeth, was super awkward, brought his mother.... etc. This reminds me of the time a friend of mine once said something along the lines of toads.... hmmm.... see below.

I mean, who am I to judge if you like to lick toes or toads? I go on crappy blind dates because I still believe in fairy tales. Not like I plan to watch a Disney film later, because I have better taste. I mean that I believe that love still exists. And, that we don't need to settle for something that isn't what we need/want/crave. There are plenty of guys out there for everyone. And if you think I'm full of it, why not buy these awesome boyfriend stickers? They are pretty much better looking than any guy I've ever been out with, they are handmade by someone with a sense of humor, and are rad. Where else can you find original hotties with mustaches?

Made by Nowvember on Rated #1 by the waste of makeup blog. 

Tips For A Blind Date

Tips For A Blind Date  <---------- click here.

I found this article that was written FOR MEN, on how to "do" the blind date. I agree with some of it, well... most of it actually. The article gives the impression that there is no way it will work out, so you have to be ready at all times with an excuse and a clear path to the door. It makes me laugh, because that's how I feel too. Ha haha. Read it. Tell me what you think.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

#26 Sweater Guy

2 years ago I was trying to make some extra cash waitressing at a pizza place. I hate family restaurants and families that let their kids scream uncontrollably, make a mess with crayons, make a mess with salt and pepper, spill, and not tip. Totally un-related to dating but that's what you think.

Two really cute guys got sat in my section, and after talking to them for a bit while bringing them non-stop pop and pizza one of them asked for my number. I was like, "Are you serious? I'm not your type". But the guy was like, "No no, you seem funny, I'd like to talk to you some more". OK whatever. So I met him the next day at the second cup right next door to my work before my shift. 

The guy shows up IN A BILL COSBY SWEATER. I couldn't believe my eyes. Really tight light blue skinny jeans, and a Cosby sweater? I wasn't sure if he had done it to: 

a.) Be funny
b.) No sense of style
c.) Maybe some retro style I didn't know about?
d.) Anniversary of the day his grandfather died so he wore his sweater to remember him. 
e.) Roommate's stole all his clothes and left that. 
f.) Honestly was alive in the 80's and still had relics.
g.) Heck for all I knew it actually was Bill Cosby's sweater.
h.) He was Bill Cosby. 

I was dying to ask about the sweater. From the moment that I walked in, to saying hi, to ordering drinks and sitting down... all I could think about was the sweater. The need to know what was up with the sweater had crawled into my brain and infected me with Bill Cosby-itis. It got so bad I was not even listening to him talk anymore. To this day I cannot remember a single thing about him, or what he said.

sweater, sweater, sweater. 

I kept looking for a way to bring it up in conversation, but then just asked him, "Are you warm in that sweater? It's a little warm in here hey?" 

and he said honest for goodness, "This is my Bill Cosby sweater, would you like a jello pudding pop? hey hey hey!" In a serious Cosby impression...

One of the best blind dates ever. Too bad I quit that job and never saw him again!

Monday, 12 September 2011

# 38 Third Date Guy

I wrestled with writing about "Third Date Guy" because we have a lot of mutual friends and I see him occasionally. I really didn't want to cause offence, or hurt his feelings at all because he is genuinely a really nice, cool, funny guy. I really enjoyed hanging out with him, and we probably would still be friends if he hadn't texted me at 3am all the time and pissed me off.

I met "Third Date Guy" through friends, at a dance party of all things. In case you were wondering, yes, he can do the "worm" and yes, I have a video of it. He seemed pretty nice, and a few months later we went out for coffee. Except the "coffee" was really hot chocolate and a walk around the ledge grounds late at night. Usually I don't walk around in the dark with strange men, but I'm getting old. I don't have that much time to worry about rapists and serial killers. He was a nice guy, decent looks, knew how to make conversation, and I really respected what he does for a living. Yeah, he's a nice guy. The only thing I didn't really like about him was his hair, which kind of looked like flock of seagulls. If you don't know who that is, please google it. Or, click this handy link.

So now that you know what kind of music I grew up with on the radio, you understand why I was happy that he wore a lot of hats. Stylish ones too, which gets extra points. Things were going really great until... I don't know how this happened. This has never happened to me before. You know when you think back and wish that you could relive that moment and do things differently? Or erase someone's memory? This was one of those times. Except I actually forgot about this myself, and when I looked in my bad blind date journal for notes on this date there it was in black and white. 

I took a sip of my hot chocolate, and choked on it and threw up right there and then on the street. Projectile. 
Right in front of this guy. 

I don't know which is worse, projectile vomit or this hairstyle. 

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

#41. "Free gift with purchase".

One of the wondrous things about the Internet is online shopping. You can browse, check reviews, check out different colors and fits... and have it all shipped to your house. Online dating is kind of like that. Except sometimes the product description is all wrong, and you can't get a refund.

A guy contacted me from the Internet, and wanted to meet me. His profile said he was white, blond hair, green eyes, clean-shaven, Christian, 5 foot 10, with a job, car and college degree. Wow, right? Everything looked great, he had a sense of humor, liked monster truck rally's and has never been married. I was impressed, and genuinely wanted to meet this guy.

So we made plans to meet on the south side for an early dinner at a diner. I had thought that this guy seemed promising, so a dinner instead of just a coffee date seemed longer but maybe better? lol.

Ok..... so, this guy shows up WITH HIS CHILDREN. Excuse me? Your profile said you DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN. I was pretty taken aback, but the kids were cute at least. Two little boys that proceeded to scream at the top of their lungs and fight over a yellow car, and then a purple truck. Because they were like, 3 years old. The guy said "Yeah, I thought you'd like to meet my children, when the divorce is final maybe they will be all yours!" in a joking manner. DIVORCE? "You mean you're married?" I asked. "No, well, yes. Actually we're kind of separated, but she wants to get back together I think." "Oh ok, well how long have you been separated?" I asked. "About 2 months. I had the kids this weekend". OMG.

You have got to be freaking kidding me? You know what I call that?

a DOG. You are married, with kids, separated for 2 months, and lie to girls on the Internet and say you are single? Let me guess, along with lying about that you probably lied about a multitude of other things. I bet that if you didn't have your kids, you'd be expecting to get laid. Well, think again, this girl doesn't put out. Just.... honestly. Who does that? I had no idea what to say to this guy... I was livid... and embarrassed... and I threw down a $20 and said that I was feeling sick and had to go home early. I wasn't going to tell this story to anyone, ever, but what the heck this blog is fun.

I wish I would have had his wife's number to clue her in to fight for sole custody.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

#36, Part Two. More shenanigans.

Sometimes you can't tell a book by it's cover.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what a guy is all about the first time you meet them. So, giving a guy a second chance to make a first impression doesn't seem that crazy. But, trust me you should listen to your gut.

I decided to meet "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" for a movie. He kept asking me out over and over again, so I figured that a movie would be harmless. And, seeing a dollar movie is even better because a guy doesn't have to pretend he has money, it's only a dollar.

My first clue that this was not going to be a love match was when he didn't want to see any of the movies I wanted to see. To be fair, I can be very picky about the movies that I like and don't like. I don't like movies with talking animals, political movies, ghost or alien movies, or movies with Nicolas Cage, Matthew McConaughey, J-lo or movies where the main character dies. I like all the rest, I swear.

We decided to see "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". And since I love food it seemed a win-win.

So this guy shows up so late, there are only a few minutes before the movie starts. I don't like to waste time and I wanted to see a movie so I got in line for a ticket anyways. What the heck. Right before it was my turn, he runs in and finds me in line. I was just stepping up to the counter so I said "Two please". Out of the corner of my eye I could see no movement. Quite a few seconds go by... and I realize he wasn't taking out his wallet! Yeah, I think this guy EXPECTED ME TO BUY HIS TICKET! I was kind of stunned because it was ONLY A DOLLAR. I look up at him and say "Do you really think that I'm paying for your ticket here? It's only a dollar". He sheepishly sticks his hand into his pocket and pulls out a handful of NICKLES and PENNIES and plunks it into my open hand. Omg. I just distastefully let all that change slide into my open handbag and grab the tickets and think "Oh Lord, let this get better".

Note--- I actually LOVE paying for people. All the time. I love buying gifts, and giving gifts, and hiding money in your pocket when you aren't looking. But there is serious decorum that you need to pay attention to on a date. This is not cool.

So we sit down in the theatre and exchange "hows it goings" and all that jazz. That's where the conversation ends. Even before the previews start. This was a first for me. I asked him a few serious questions, a few silly questions, trying to make conversation...... it was a huge bomb.

As we are watching the movie I notice that he doesn't laugh at the funny parts, where the whole theatre is laughing, and he is laughing at parts that no one thinks is funny. This to me, was the funniest part of the whole date. I almost peed my pants.

As we were leaving the theatre, I remembered why I agreed to go out with him in the first place... I wanted ask him for help to take a couch to goodwill. Needless to say.... more than a year later that couch is still in my basement. He kept asking me out again after that, and I don't get it? No rapport means we really can't even be friends, right? Meh.

The only thing that come to mind about this is "if he looks like a redneck, he might just be a redneck". Always trust your gut. Never date a man with a mustache...

Monday, 5 September 2011

#36. "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave".

So, this is the tale of "The Boy Who Wouldn't Leave". I met this guy at my college, and normally all the boys there are.... boys... so they are hands off. I don't need to be known as the "(School's name) Cougar". The "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" was a bit older than the rest, just 3 or so years younger than me so you can rest easy knowing I'm not a pedophile. I so rarely get to use that word in a sentence.

It was my 30th birthday. I have a horrible birthday every single year. Because of this I have very low expectations when it comes to birthdays, so I just sent out a facebook invite to come to my friends house for dinner. It was snowing outside, probably below 30 Celsius, and around 20-30 people came for Indian food, which we made. Oh yeah.

Among them was the "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave". We did the dinner, presents, all that jazz. I think I remember being sang to in Dutch, but that was a year ago and you can't expect me to remember everything. At around 10:30pm, people are leaving and my friend and I are at the door waving to everyone, thanking them for coming, that kind of thing. Almost in unison, we turn our heads and see the "Boy Who Wouldn't Leave" behind us... also waving.

Isn't that a bit weird? You're at a party and everyone leaves except you? MMMhhhhmmmm. That's kind of a clear hint that you should leave too.

So my friend and I didn't know what to do. Do we kick him out? Do we try to make awkward conversation? Do we yawn and stretch and act really tired? The thing is, this guy is not my friend, he's totally random and I don't know him at all. So we decide to watch a movie. Unfortunately the ONLY movie that we had was...

This is what my face looked like.

GONE WITH THE WIND. Do you have any idea how long this is? It's 238 minutes! 3.9 hours! 14280 seconds that we spent make awkward conversation, at 2am on my birthday, watching Gone With The Wind. I mean, it's one of my favorite movies, at least in my top 10. But still. Come on, it's late just GO HOME. After it was over, I just wanted to be Gone with the Wind too.

This guy insisted on walking me to my car. OK, it's 3am, that's a nice thing to do. Hello, every guy should do that. But, he decided that since it was my birthday, he needed to give me a hug. Problem. I don't like to hug strange men! In fact, I dumped a guy for being too touchy on the first date. You can read about that one later... he might be #25? Back on track. I kept telling him no, I don't need a hug... a handshake is fine... But NO. He was SO insistent, like it was his duty or mission in life to make this day even more uncomfortable. I kept saying NO... but maybe my eyes said YES because I wound up with the first hug of my 30's by a random guy I don't even know. What would Scarlett have done? Called up Rhett to shoot the scoundrel for taking liberties. At least in my mind that's how it would go.

What is it with some guys? No means NO! Yeah, a hug is pretty innocent but I didn't really want to end my night pressing my chesticals against a total stranger. What's next? He meets some girl at the grocery store and moves in with her? Locks eyes across the room and impregnates a total stranger?

The best part is.... there's a part 2. Just wait.

P.S, I also started travelling for my B-day every year now. Much better. 

Saturday, 3 September 2011

#42. Yes. Yes he did.

A friend of mine wanted to set me up with her cousin. We are not really close friends, but I think she thought that since she knew two single people over the age of 30 it must be fate that we go together.

I agreed to meet this "cousin" at Moxie's for dinner mid week. So I arrive a few minutes early, and instead of sitting in the lounge I just take a table in the restaurant. I waited about 15 minutes, and that's a long time to wait at a table while you look like an idiot. He texts me that he's 5 minutes away. OK, I can wait 5 more minutes. 10 minutes go by and I'm leaving. As I'm walking to my car, this guy yells across the parking lot "Hey are you (my name)?" I almost wanted to just get in and drive away, but if he told my friend she would be mad. I decide to go through with it, and meet this guy and go in to get (another) table.

The first thing I noticed was that he had long fingernails. Guys don't usually have long fingernails. They weren't tranny long- but they were just too long to be manly, know what I mean? And then I saw the  GOLD PINKY RING. Yes, this was a first for me. I've seen all kinds of gold chains in my day, but never a pinky ring. Which reminds, me... I've never seen the Godfather. Anyhow, he kept apologizing for being late, traffic, work, all that kind of thing. It was pretty profuse. Like, just say it once and be done with it!

Usually when you are on a blind date, you never order appetizers. They add to the bill, which makes you look rude if he's paying and also there is that "do we share this?" awkwardness. He ordered not one, but TWO appetizers. For him. And he ate it all. Himself. We made the small talk, and he talked about how he owns a business, and it's in the family, and his expensive car and all that jazz. It was refreshing to meet someone who is a grown up, who takes finances seriously. But then he started grilling me about my own business, asking too many personal questions... Our meals came, so that gave me a reprieve from the ambush. At least I ordered my favorite sandwich. That was the good part.

After his meal, he ordered coffee. By this time I kind of wanted to go home, this was like the date that never ends. Then he ordered dessert! For crying out loud, we had no rapport at all. Why make this last longer than it has too?

Finally our server brought the bill and he looks at it and says the total, and then gets his iPhone out and then halves the bill and tells me how much I owe.

Excuse me?

I did not eat two appetizers, a lemonade, coffee and dessert.

I had a sandwich and a diet Pepsi.

Did this guy really expect me to pay half of the whole bill? YES. YES HE DID.

This was one of those moments when you don't know what to do. Do you just pay and leave? Do you argue about it? I mean, he's the one with a gold pinky ring. I just really didn't want to buy this guys food. I thought it was pretty rude to split the bill like that. At this point, I didn't care if my friend got mad at me or not, so I paid debit, but I only paid for the sandwich and pop. I handed a fiver to the server and said thanks! So he was left to pay for his own meal(s). Said see you later and left.

Whew. My friend didn't say one word.

Friday, 2 September 2011

#43. Cut-off sneakers.

I was actually studying at a coffee shop when I met #43. He was sitting across from me, and noticed my textbooks were for a Psychology course... of course he happened to also be taking psychology himself at the UofA.

I don't know as much about psychology as I do about psychos.

He was ok looking, clean shaven. The only thing that was he was wearing a short sleeve dress shirt, kind of like the ones that Dwight Shrute wears on "The Office". ? I usually applaud individual style... I'm sick of labels and insecurity on people. But I digress... I soon learned that this guy was one of those pretentious types, that really value their education. Because that's all they have going for them. He was telling me stories about growing up in small town Alberta, his 5 brothers and sisters, how his father was a doctor, and subsequently how all 5 of his siblings have a masters degree.

Then he asks me what school I go to.

I go to a small private college, not a university. I don't really have plans to get a masters when I am finished. This subject matter seemed to bother him, quite a bit... because...

He said "Well, forget you, I'm not marrying some dumb girl". And he grabbed his laptop, books, and headed for the door. This was when I noticed he was wearing Nike sneakers, WITH THE TOES CUT OUT!!! And no socks. I just don't get it. First, he leaves me at the alter, and then refuses to wear a whole shoe. I don't know what would possess a guy to cut the toes out of shoes. Ever hear of sandals? They are comfortable, and less expensive than say, a Nike shoe.

Reasons for cut-off sneakers.

Sat too close to a fire.
You needed ventilation with your raging athlete's foot.
Only your toes are affected with claustrophobia.

#44. The Cold Sore.

Last night I met blind date #44. I saw him as I was driving up to the coffee shop, and I almost wanted to drive away. I knew that this date would go nowhere, due to long endless boring emails sent by him... but I was curious. Every girl my age hates going to weddings and banquets alone, so it's nice to have at least one guy friend you can bring so you're not sitting by yourself. Sigh. This might have been banquet guy. He seemed mildly entertaining in an email, so I thought what the hell. You only live once.

I parked around the corner and he was sitting outside. Which was kind of weird. It wasn't even nice out. Normally if you get there first you get a coffee and sit inside with your laptop in case you get stood up, so you just look like you need free wifi. But I digress. We said hello... and he just stood there silent. I suggested going inside, for a coffee, and he mumbled ok. This is when I noticed that he was a little slow? He managed to open the door, at least.. and I noticed that he even walked really slow. I had pretty much ordered and paid by the time he got to the counter. Didn't offer to pay, not even a fake out pay.... you know how some guys are cheap and offer to pay but you know they don't want to? It was only $3 so not a big deal. After we got our coffee, he just stood there silent and awkward again. For almost 30 seconds, at least... so I suggested we sit down. Three hours later he made it to a table and we proceeded to have the most awkward conversation I have ever had. It wasn't just awkward... it was PAINFUL.

Things running through my mind:
He's really slow.
He's really awkward.
Who wears suede jackets after 1995?
The faster I drink this coffee the faster I can get out of here.
Why can't I drink faster?
Why is this guy not talking?

So, I felt like I had to take one for the team and try to keep a lively conversation going... until... he started talking about cold sores. That's not exactly an attractive topic to talk about on a blind date, because I don't really want your herpes. So, I'm probably not going to kiss you. Or anything else, mind you because I'd like to be herpes free. During this 20 min run-on-sentence about cold sores, all I could think about was a big red pulsating cold sore. Like a traffic light. When there was a break, I mentioned that since I have strep throat I'd like to get to bed early (it was 8pm) and take a rain check on a movie. There was no way I was babysitting this guy through a movie. I wondered if he drove as slow as he walked and talked? Didn't want to chance it, so I said nice to meet you, (which was a lie) and took off.

The thing is, he's not handicapable at all, he was just a slow person. 

working backwards...

Well, due to request, I decided to start a blog about my ridiculous dating "career". It's a full time job being single, and at 31 I'm really, really good at it. I am going to have to work backwards to tell everyone the full story, because there have been a lot of bad blind dates. It's entertaining, at the very least and I have funny stories to tell people on Monday mornings.

Ground Rules.

I will remain nameless.
The men will remain nameless.
I don't plan to censor anything, so if you are offended get over it because I don't care.
You can, and should laugh at these stories I'm offering up.
Tell your friends, and they will laugh.
If you have your own story, let me know and you can guest blog.