Sunday, 16 December 2012

Other people have it worse than I do, hallelujah.

There's just something about hearing about other people's bad blind dates that automatically makes you feel better about your own miserable dating life. I spent the afternoon growing at least 3 inches taller while I heard these horror stories.

So my friend managed to have a good blind date last night, although... I suspect that she will find something wrong with him sooner than later. She said that he had an eyebrow ring, which is SO late 90's. I'm always surprised that people still pierce them. It's just not popular anymore. Plus, it leaves a scar. I know this, because I was alive in the late 90's and no matter what- I have the curse of the eyebrow piercing that never grew in. If I want to re-visit my youth I can just stick a safety pin in there. 21 piercings and counting over here. One was stepping on a nail, but it still counts.

She said that the date went pretty good... with one exception. They were talking about things that are funny in the workplace, and men and women obviously have different senses of humour because he told her fart jokes. Come on ppl. If it wasn't rule #1 to "Never tell a girl a fart joke on a first date" IT IS NOW. That's horrible! You don't know how she's going to take that. She might laugh and think it's the funniest thing she's ever heard, laugh awkwardly and politely and think you are gross, or she'll wrinkle up her nose and check her watch/phone. The odds are the latter. Fart jokes will inevitably happen in a relationship... but usually after "The first fart." This happens at some point in time, and you can make it awkward, or you can make a joke out of it. The other party has a mutual understanding to laugh at the joke, because they know that THEY could have been the farter. Thus, the relationship is opened up to bodily functions and everyone grows closer together.

Now.... this isn't even the end. I have more.

She went out with a guy, and he became increasingly fidgety and agitated. She saw that his car was being towed, and told him. He didn't want to go over and do anything about it, for a good reason. He was actually ARRESTED ON THE DATE by the police and thrown into the back of a cop car. I forgot to ask how she got home.

The next blind date was with a Mr muscles type of guy that liked boxing. He told her that he was almost mugged earlier that day by a homeless man. He actually beat the guy up, and THREW HIM OFF A BRIDGE. She asked if the guy was ok, and he said that he didn't look. So she copied his photos from his facebook and called crimestoppers.

Next, she was contacted by a guy online that asked her if her or any of her friends needed some housework done? AND IF HE WOULD BE ABLE TO WEAR THEIR CLOTHES WHILE HE CLEANED?

I mean... after all that... a little fart joke isn't that bad, is it?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


Sometimes I get surprised by the feedback about the blog. Some friends in NYC that I visited told me that they sat in front of the computer all night reading the blog and peeing their pants. Flattering.

Another time I gave a ride to a random person, who realized who I was, and screamed out "You write the blind date blog! All my friends would read it during history class when we were bored!" Well, I can't blame you for being interested. It IS history after all. Just the bad kind, like communism or Hitlers to-do list.

Online dating isn't really working for me this time... I've only met psychopaths so far. READ ON.

Option 1) Hey, I'm James and I'm from Edmonton. I'm a nice guy who likes making people laugh, and I grew up on a farm. I'm not your typical guy.

On a first date: well, assuming that this was a girl that I'd been talking to for a while so it was a real date (a "test things out" date would be like "lunch") I would take her out for something to do like bowling although I never go and I suck at it, or to the driving range to share a bucket of balls, because I never go and I suck at it. Lol, either way I'd have fun. Then I'd take her too see something, maybe live theatre at the citadel as long as it was something funny instead of some story about transvestites or something which they always seem to have playing. Or maybe live comedy at the comic strip, but that depends on the girl because they're pretty uncouth. Next, I'd take her out for dinner, I would say to Japanese village because it's my favorite and they flip knives and stuff but that's more of a third or fourth date thing...too bad. Smokin Joes is pretty good, or else Kyoto Sushi if she's into that because it's the best sushi in town. Then I'd drive her home and if the date went well I'd pop my trunk and give her the flowers. Might seem odd, but it'll catch her totally off guard because flowers are a beginning of a date thing, but to hell with that. Then if the date doesn't go well, they go in the garbage. This way if it doesn't go well, I can give them to my mom or sister or something.

Option 2) The best way to describe me is "mercurial"! I am moving, restless, seeking, and learning. I am constantly in motion, a torrent of wind! I`m intellectual and won`t hesitate to play games with my lover, only child`s play though! I am a great communicator, so get ready to hear everything from pithy remarks to impassioned pleas. Inventive, quick-witted and fun, I may move from one relationship to the next until I find the one which is as smart as I am and able to keep up with my high-spirited personality. The reward for those who lasso me is a free-spirited lover who shines at parties but is also a devil in the bedroom. And I`m also ambidextrous...oooooh

On a first date: I'm down for anything... 

Option 3) Your profile says "just ask" but nobody ever answers. "Just ask" what? O-o

Im ranked as one of the top ten Instrumental Composers in Canada (Source: Reverb Nation). Im working on an instrumental album for 2013. Think "Timbaland" meets "David Guetta" meets "Skrillex" meets Katy Perry. Im very busy doing the work of between 20 and 30 people so basically it's not that I don't have a life its just creating music IS my life. I hope to find someone as passionate about creating music as I am, even more!

If you pass me over because I chose to live at home instead of living in a sh#tty apartment like 60% of you do then that's your loss. I got money in the bank, I have a car, I could buy you a car and a trip to Honolulu if I wanted to, I dont have to deal with sh%tty neighbors, I have no debt, I own several website domain names I might sell in the future, I have a job, actually 3 jobs because I stock trade as well. Im a very nice guy, TOO nice but you would never know that because you never reply to my messages or read my profile.

I'm average height. Husky build. I look intimidating but I'm a teddy bear. By "other ethnicity" I mean "who gives a care what your ethnicity is?"

On a first date:  NOTE: He just left that blank, so I call it foreshadowing. 


Saturday, 20 October 2012


It's Saturday night, and the closest thing in proximity is a 2 inch red cockroach laying on it's back on the floor twitching in this hostel. So, as you can see if I lower my standards a bit I have a date only 6 feet away. GLORY!

I thought I'd share some stats. I love it when new countries read the blog, like Netherlands, United Arab Emirates, and Greece... etc. It's usually just once though, enough to give me a little thrill and wish that I was in those countries eating ethnic food and squatting on strange toilets. But of course the most views are from North America and Russia. But Rwanda? How did that happen? Is anyone in Rwanda even remotely interested in a white girl from Canada that meets Christian guys that are either insane, un-socialised or just plain rude? (and cheap..... don't forget they are cheap).

I also wanted to share the stats for "search keywords" because I am a little dumbfounded.

Beautiful Thai women? - I'm not Thai, but I can speak a little.
"Are you warm in that sweater?" - why would anyone google THAT?
Dairy Queen Hulk Cakes. - when did I EVER blog about dairy queen, the hulk or cake?
I don't care if you stand on your he... ??? I can't even read the rest of that sentence.

Last but not least...
Kids in underwears. - ok perverts, stay the hell away from my blog! 

Saturday, 29 September 2012


So a friend of mine that was single FOREVER and we were all worried she had joined the other team... told me today that she met a guy through friends that met on Plenty of Fish. Apparantly internet dating works... (for some people).

I peeked at what's available and it inspired a new game called:

SHOULD I DATE THIS MAN? fun with cut and paste. 

Option 1) I am a single-minded stereotypical asian single man who enjoys the outdoors. I like to travel when possible to shake up the natural tendency of the daily routine. I am fortunate to work among fantastic coworkers in a career that I enjoy. In spare time I like to play chess or read. It will be nice to meet someone just as interesting.

On a first date: Something not requiring too much idle conversation. How about cycling, tennis, or golf?

Option 2) Hey,Currently i am spending sometime in the Prison System. (Edmonton Instn)
I Love Mototcycles, I Enjoy all kinds of Music some new some old, while i'm in here I work out everyday, do some reading even go to church ever sunday. I think I'm a pretty easy going guy, made a mistake and now working on paying the price,
I also help my dad fix up Race cars, spent time at the race track.
I am Looking for someone to Write to me, send me letters, pictures, maybe get to know eachothe that way (pen-pal)
i do not have much computer acss so this would be the best way!
look forward to getting to know someone that doesn't judge a book.... 

On a first date: A 1st date, that would most likely be a visit inside, its a High security place so anyone with a record couldn't come.

Option 3) my hobbies are swimming and roller blading.i also like cooking im a great cook.i mostly find bad girls so i was hoping i might meet a couple good one if i tried online dating for a change. everyone around me is crying most of the love to get married but so far its just a dream.

On a first date: id think first dates are mostly just a chance to see if we can get along,theres so many angry people out there im just looking for some one as happy as i point in dating gloomy girls.


To be honest.. I'm leaning towards the criminal. 

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Happy 1st Birthday!


Amazing. A whole year went by from the INSPIRATION FOR THIS BLOG. The bad blind date that made me get in my car, and say out loud, "That was a total waste of makeup." You see when girls get older, makeup costs more. You have to decide to either get botox, or buy the good stuff from Sephora. This is also why so many girls over 30 can't pay their phone bills, but look suspiciously taut. (My phone service is cut off at this very minute). (I'm serious, call me and find out). 

Did you know there is a cream called: "Hope in a Jar?" It's probably made of the inner thigh skin from a baby goat foetus but it's worth every penny. I've turned 25 for 7 years now and no one knows the difference. 

Over the past year I've dished it out about every single crummy guy I've ever had the bad luck to meet... with the exception of two. I'm saving them for a rainy day. 

I relocated to New York City for a semester, but I didn't meet Prince Charming. I met a dirty hippy that spat on me out in Red Hook, countless guys with du rags that were like "Hey.... Momma," a Latino gang member that looked down my shirt on the M train, and a homeless man on a corner out in Bushwick that wore a black puffy jacket every single day and stared at the sun and he wouldn't even take a free Nathan's pizza from me much less my phone number.

I came back to Canada and when a guy in the produce section of my grocery store asked me if I wanted to have coffee (After he saw me smelling my asparagus), I was like.. "You know, I honestly don't have the time for this, no matter how amusing or awkward you might be... I just have too much homework to get done." He kind of just backed away. I saw him later by the milk coolers, and I ran down the bread aisle like a total freak so he wouldn't see me. 

What can I say? If Hope comes in a jar, life can't be all that bad. Even the bible says that "Hope does not disappoint us..." and you can't argue with the apostle Paul. I probably just didn't read the directions on the label... 

Monday, 18 June 2012

I just bought a ticket to Utah.

Pretty much all the guys on Christian Mingle are ugly. 
The good looking ones are just too good looking 
like underwear models in the sears catalogue. 

Guys in their 30s want to date girls in their 20's. Ouch. 

Guys in their 40's want to date girls in their 30's... 


Now for reasons I don't understand, most of my friends my age are married with kids. They slowly stop hanging out with you, because you just have nothing in common anymore. I mean... you're alone and they aren't. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to be woken up at 3 am by screaming children or change diapers. I like getting 14 hours of sleep a night. It just sucks that everyone else isn't available to go out all the time. 

So, I made friends 10 years younger than me. EAT THAT OLD PEOPLE. 

But now... they too are slowly getting married and engaged and having kids also. Pretty soon, I will be the only single female on earth, and will be easy pickings for a polygamist cult to pick up. 

It must be so nice to live on a polygamist commune. You are pretty much guaranteed to get married NO MATTER WHAT. You might have to share him with 8 other women, and he might be in his 60's, but chances are he will want to breed it up asap. You get to have sister-wives to hang out with all day while doing laundry and cooking. The clothes are cotton and breathable. The puffed sleeves add a little something. You never have to pay for a haircut again, or buy makeup. You don't even need to take care of your own kids, because they have 9 other mothers. 

I just bought a ticket to Utah. 

Monday, 21 May 2012

The Strong Man.

This morning I took my first ever self-defence course. I realise that I was ripe for the picking with all the creepy rapists in Brooklyn, considering I fight like a girl. Now I can fight like a girl who has a chance of doing more than peeing her pants.

Practising the awesome Chuck Norris moves today on the mat, I was reminded of the time I dated a guy who liked to fight. (And yes.. the woman that taught the class DID fight for Chuck Norris in real life so she knows what she's doing). But I digress.

A few years ago I decided to give a strongman a chance. I met him online, and I kept telling him I wasn't interested, he was too muscled and I didn't want to date a guy that had side effects of steroids. He emailed me so many times to tell me that all his manly parts were fine, and in fact over those emails I learnt that he actually had a brain. No joke, he read books. The classics even. He had a degree in English Lit, and he had muscles... do you know that song called "Walking Contradiction" by Green day? It's so catchy.

I agreed to meet him for dinner, and I wasn't sure what KIND of muscly guy he was. Was he a beer and hot dogs kind of guy? Was he a burger guy? Turns out he was a SALAD GUY. For crying out loud. The only thing that lettuce is good for is frolicking through a lettuce patch on a Sunday afternoon while you're eating a burger that is so greasy your face becomes luminescent.

I felt pressured in that 2 seconds to order a salad too. Would he think I was some kind of carnivore? Turns out I don't give in to peer pressure, and I ordered a burger anyway. I kind of felt like he would judge me, but at the same time I was coming off the Dr.Berenstein diet where you eat almost nothing to begin with... so I was ready to stuff my face full of ground beef and cheese.

I actually really enjoyed hanging with him, and when he asked me if I wanted to go out again I decided it wouldn't kill me. Except that it kind of did. His great idea of a second date was to take me to this martial arts training place... and you see where I'm going with this? No you don't. You really don't. I know you're thinking that he signed us up for a class. That is not true. He only signed HIMSELF UP. And I was supposed to stand there like some kind of soccer Mom watching him. He said that he spends most of his free time there. Ugh. The class was 2 hours. 2 hours of death. It smelled like B.O. Some other muscled guy tried to pick me up, and I gave him Jenny's number. You know... 867- 5309.

After 2 hours of pretending to be encouraging while he kicked and punched... I was tired. I realised that for all his sparkling blue eyes there was a future of watching a man with an obsession... and I need a guy that is obsessed with Jesus instead. 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

SURPRISE I've relocated to NEw York.

If you've noticed the title of this post, I have moved to New York.

I know, I dated all the men in Canada, so now it's time to go American. I like American cheese, so I figured it was a good choice.

Now that I've spent a couple weeks in Brooklyn I have noticed some things. Sometimes you will be sitting on the subway across from either a cranky person, a homeless person, or a drop dead gorgeous hipster. And you just don't know where to look. You really don't want to make eye contact with any of them, except the hipster but I don't know all the "rules" in Brooklyn. It's a whole different culture my friends. I don't want to get stabbed.

The other day I went to Rockefeller centre, which was actually disappointing because it's really small in person. I bought some deli lunch and sat and watched tourists fall on their asses while I ate. The guy on the bench beside me ended up trying to pick me up. This happens frequently. I think that a lot of guys try to pick up girls that are just a little bit chubby because they think that we are desperate and will sleep with any guy who notices them. This might be true, but not in my case.

So Mr. Rockefeller was average height, a little chubby, premature balding, and I think he was either Jewish or maybe Greek or some kind of combo? He was wearing a suit, so I thought hey maybe he's rich or something, but then I looked down. His shoes were orthopaedic black running shoes. With a suit. Seriously? I've heard about women wearing comfy shoes on the subway and then putting the heels on at the office but I didn't know men did this too? He showed me where he lives (Astoria), on a map, not in person... and told me about how he was happy as a kid when he was grooming dogs with his grandparents.

Grooming dogs. Yup. If you sat through that video congratulations. Personally I didn't even watch it myself. That's how much I care about dogs. So Mr. Rockefeller and I chatted for an hour and a half, and walked around the square, him in orthopaedic shoes and me in my heels... talking about anal glands and the importance of maintaining the area. How romantic. We went into the Lego store and he took pictures of me looking at Lego. Then he took one of both of us which was weird. Who does that? Meet a perfect stranger and takes photos of them and puts them on FB? Mr. Rockefeller, that's who. I mean... it's kind of nice, being someones imaginary FB girlfriend. Thanks Honey.

So this is the thing.

I had to get going, and I mentioned I had to meet a friend for coffee. (Lies). He told me about a great coffee shop around the corner and yada-blah-blah-pretentious-financial-guy-talk-stuff and then I thought he was going to maybe ask for my number and suggest coffee... but he just said "nice to meet you" and took off. Like who does that? Spends an hour and a half talking to a girl, being friendly and then takes off? I don't get these Americans. Why did he mention a coffee shop in the first place?

Next time I'm going for a homeless guy. I talked to a guy on the subway that was wearing a dirty bib around his next with food stains, carrying a clear garbage bag full of bottles and a golf club. Should have gotten his number.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

"I love you guy," or the time I dated a mormon by accident.

So, as most of you know from earlier posts my clock is ticking. This means that soon my eggs will not be available for sale on the Chinese black market for that much longer, and my ovaries will implode and resemble shrunken black olives or the philosophers stone. 

When babies cry, it makes me want to run away. For some reason, I think this means I wouldn't be the greatest mom. I mean, I'm all for giving birth and then selling them for profit, or maybe getting a full time nanny or a stay at home dad or even some old people from the rest home to take care of it while I'm at work. It's just that I like older kids the best. They cry considerably less. But technically I've got to get married first before I have nine-tuplets and smirk in the face of Octomom. 

I met a guy that morphed from a super cool dude into a guy that is everyone's worst nightmare. He's called "I love you guy."

I met this beaut at church. A good place to meet a guy, if you are into God and Jesus and all those things like I am. He was soooo funny (when I first met him). Decently good looking, clean shaven... decent clothing and job, and car, and he owned a condo... so you know that he had his life somewhat together. At least he seemed dateable material. 

We went out a few times, and that turned into more than a few times. We went to quite a few movies (mostly animated cartoons), and HE WOULD ALWAYS PAY. I think this is why I kept going out with him... guys paying for me is so rare I just wanted to experience it more than once. He would even buy me movie snacks. When I would order a diet coke, he would wrinkle up his nose and say that diet coke was so un-holy. ??? Whatever. He'd get sprite, or water. I didn't know if he was serious, or soda flirting. If there is such a thing. 

We went for coffee a few times, and it was exciting to meet someone else that had never had a cup of coffee before. I think I've had a sip once... and I didn't like it. I also drank an "iced cap" from Tim Hortons once, and I threw up out the car window on a road trip to Jasper on the highway. Anyhow, "I love you guy" would get Jones soda, or water. No tea. No hot chocolate. ??? I was like, whatever... he must like water. 

He was always super polite- opening doors for me, he would be nice to the servers, bank tellers... it was refreshing and also kind of weird. What was even weirder was I never saw him at church again. I asked him about it and he said that he started going to a different church. I asked which one and he just said it was on the south side and traditional and I'd think it was boring. Ok, well... I thought that saved me some time. But, it just wasn't a love match on my side and I always had the feeling like he was disapproving of everything I said and did... once he came over and told me that I should throw away 99.9% of the movies that I watch. Hello... I need that Kill Bill to get me through the day sometimes. 

So I called him even though I really wanted to text instead.... I was mature for once and talked in person to break it off with him. He took it pretty well, and we said "see you later." But he really meant that he'd see me later, because he showed up at my work asking if I wanted to go out and talk. Sigh. Ok, so I went for coffee with him and he said that it was destiny that brought us together. 

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Really? Destiny? 

And then he told me that he loved me. Those big brown eyes teared up and I started laughing at him. (I always laugh when men cry, it makes me so uncomfortable). I was like no way, that is impossible, there is a difference between infatuation and love, and it was obvious to me that we wouldn't make a good match. So I broke it off a little firmer and told him not to contact me again. 

He texted me probably 20 times that day, and 20 times the next. I finally just shut my phone off and stuck it in a drawer. After a week I checked it and all the voice mail was from him leaving insane messages, reciting love poetry, and one invited me to church to meet his family.

All of a sudden... everything made a lot of sense. I just felt so stupid I didn't tell anyone. I still feel stupid, but he's probably married with 5 kids living on planet Kolob by now. I'm just glad I'm in my grannie panties instead of sexy mormon underwears. 

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Tips for Single Women... from 1939.

Well now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years... 

I personally like the one where you can't look bored, even if you are. 

Thursday, 16 February 2012

"I read her blog BEFORE it was a book."

12,000 views already?

Thanks for all the emails... I'm glad that I'm not the only one out there that has had so many bad blind dates. At least we can laugh at ourselves... which is the purpose of this blog. I can sit around and feel rejected, or I can laugh at all of my experiences and share them so YOU can laugh too.

Besides... the more views, the more people that can say, "I read her blog BEFORE it was a book." Or "They made that book into a movie, can you believe it's a true story with all the jerks she's gone out with?" Or something something like THAT.

Eat that. 

10 things to do on a bad blind date.

This is hilarious... 

I found this list of things to do while on a bad blind date.... wish I had thought of some of them. 
Faking the Ebola virus is my favourite... 

Ok, I'll make my own list. 

The WASTE OF MAKEUP list of things to do on a bad blind date. 

1.) Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and go out and key his car.
2.) Steal his credit card and order him things online like snuggies and self-help books.
3.) Put an eno in your mouth and fake a seizure.
4.) Wear your wedding dress.
5.) Chew with your mouth open and let a little food fall onto the table.
6.) Ask him the same question every few minutes.
7.) Draw a cartoon of your bad blind date as it's happening and share it.
8.) Try to pick up another guy right there and then. See what happens.
9.) Arrange his name into an anagram that reads "I am Lord Voldemort."
10.) Call him and ask him out on his cell while you're both sitting there... .. .

Enjoy. I've come close to number 5 in real life, only it was puke. Kind of wonder how I managed to get a second date... but it happened. BELIEVE IT.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Worst Valentines Day EVER.

Let me tell you about the worst Valentines day I have ever had.

You mean, besides the subsequent 13 that were spent alone? Yeah. For some reason, this event scarred me enough that I just don't date people around V-day.

So my boyfriend invited me over to his house for a romantic dinner for two. Translation: I want to sleep with you tonight. SO anyways... I arrive and he is trying his best, being that he's a guy that can't cook. Menu is spaghetti. Spaghetti isn't really a romantic food... it's what you get at elementary school lunch, or on the side at the Olive Garden. It's the type of food that actually can make the night go worse.... sauce all over your face, spaghetti slurping, fork spoon positioning, noodle mishaps... too much going on there. When I was a kid my mom made me put on a hot pink sweatshirt whenever we had pasta because I was such a messy eater. I pretty much still am.

He had been trying to make this pasta for awhile, because he didn't know how to turn on the stove. He kept turning on the oven instead and was dumbfounded that the top of the stove wasn't boiling the water. After awhile I took pity and helped him. He boiled that spaghetti for a looooong time. It was like one big glued together mess that he drained and cut in half with a knife and slapped on two plates, then poured canned sauce on top. Bon Appetite!

Problem was that he lived with his Dad, who also planned to bring a girl home for a Romantic Valentines Day Dinner. Just as we sat down to congealed noodles, his dad came home with a girl.


He started yelling at my bf for being home when he wanted to be alone with his girl. He yelled at him for using plates. He yelled at him for using his food, to feed a stranger. He yelled at him for using the fireplace, and wood that didn't belong to him to burn in the fireplace. He yelled at him for making a mess in the kitchen. He yelled at him for not knowing telepathically that he was inviting his own girl over. He yelled at him for everything under the sun. It was so uncomfortable and awkward. At first I thought maybe it was some kind of act, but I soon stopped laughing when I saw his crazy angry eyes.


He called me every name in the book. The B word, the A word, and even the C word. Right in front of his guest, his son and as far as I know all the neighbours could hear. At least one person heard, because they CALLED THE FREAKING COPS when they started to hear glass smashing.

He smashed the plates we were eating off of, the bowl of spaghetti, the glasses of wine, and then he threw a pot from the kitchen into the dining room and smashed a mirror.

So... cops show up... as I am putting my shoes on and leaving through the back door un-noticed.

I took the bus home. On valentines day. After some guy's dad called me the C word.

Note: This also explains why I never want to meet a guy's parents, and why I like to date orphans.


Monday, 13 February 2012

Real Men. .... ...

So this photo is floating around on the facebooks today. I thought it was blog worthy because yeah.... real men don't buy girls. Every time I go to Thailand I get sick from seeing old men with young beautiful Thai women, or worse... young boys. The sex industry makes me sick, and I'm glad that celebrities are using their influence to raise awareness. 

Go to and read all about the campaign. 

Then go to to join the fight! 

Then, hide your wife, hide your kids.... 

Just kidding. 

But seriously, Real Men Don't Buy Girls, and 
Real Men Don't Buy Girls Carnations. 

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Online Dating Photo-capades.

So every time I search online for dates I see the same people. It's like there are 34 men in my area that are pre-disposed to being single forever. And they are on ALL the online sites. Same guys. Sometimes the name is different, but the pictures are the same.

Because they are REALLY working for you.

#1. You and your dog. Really? That's a little too much information in the first picture I see of you. It tells me that no matter what, you will love that animal more than me. You'll get up early to take it outside so it can poo on the sidewalk and you will gladly and lovingly pick up that poo, but you won't get up early for ME to go for a run or coffee or to a farmers market, and that dog WILL be sleeping in the bed between us, slobbering and breathing dog breath on me.

#2. You and your quad. This to me says "I have no hobbies, so I buy useless modes of transportation and ride them in the mud. It's an activity I will be doing alone, because you can't know how awesome it is and you will never have enough testosterone to even touch this machine."

#3. You in front of a big truck. This says "Oh yeah, I can afford a $40,000 truck but I still have student loans and it's my way of feeling like a man. As long as I have this truck... I am so manly." By the way, you could have washed it for the picture.

#4. Wearing sunglasses. Ok, why even take a picture? All I can see is the lower half of your face. Might as well post a picture of Batman for all I can tell you MIGHT actually BE Batman, but living in crappy Edmonton instead of Gotham city.

#5. A speck in front of some crappy mountains. Oh... is that you? Are you the size of a hobbit, or an elf? I can barely see you. Is this so that I can't actually tell you lied about how tall you are?

#6. Blurry out of focus close up of your face. Not so attractive. You didn't shave, or even smile. Is that a face you want to date? Not really. Would it have hurt to comb your hair?

#7. Wearing a hat. Ok. This is an issue. We all know 50% of men are bald. We can live with that. 50% of women get breast cancer. If you can live with a woman with one breast, we can live with a bald man. Just BE UP FRONT ABOUT IT. There's nothing worse than blind dating a guy who shows up bald. Oh... maybe the time the guy had a comb-over. Like buddy... what... are you going to wear that touque November, December, January, February and March but as soon as April comes around she's going to find out you're bald. It's like girls wearing padded push-up bras. Trust me, you'll be just as disappointed as we are.

#8. Shirtless. I don't know about the rest of the female population, but when I see a guy with huge muscles all I think is that you spend 3 hours at the gym everyday and those hours could be spent doing something more useful. Also, in your profile you want a girl that is into eating right and fitness. Let me clue you in... ALL THE SKINNY GIRLS GOT MARRIED IN THEIR 20'S. THE ONLY GIRLS LEFT ARE CHUBBY. Might as well be real here.

#9. With a hot girl at the bar. Why would you do this? This says "Oh yeah, I can get a hot girl anytime I want but I'm just online to see if I can find "the one." But really... I get laid all the time." Even worse is WHEN YOU CUT THE GIRL OUT OF THE PICTURE. That's rude, and tacky. Could you not take a picture? It takes 5 seconds. Even drawing a picture of yourself is better than that.

#10. Studio shots. I've seen more pictures of men posing at sears for their online dating picture than I care to remember. Bending down on one knee, resting your head on your hand, hands clasped, looking into the distance.... yeah. That's called TRYING TOO HARD. I see this and think you're trying too hard, or.... your mom took you for your 40th birthday to get a sears portrait package because she is so slighted she doesn't have grandkids yet she needs to control your life in order to feel fulfilled.

Honestly... it's all true.  

Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I got an email today. Unfortunately I do not speak Asian, but I was able to have it translated. 

-Random Chinese email address.

-Hi Sexy White Girl.

-We want you to come to china to meet young man who like you very much. He need white girl to marry. Canada is good place to live. He is 5 foot 3 and have black hair and black eyes. He respect your culture and move with you now.

-Will bring Mother in Law later in the spring.

-No like? We have more chinese boy for you, you pick which one is lucky.

-Answer for you is good luck in year of dragon. 

Monday, 30 January 2012

Mr. Trombone

So one time I stalked a guy on the Internet until he went out with me. For real... this was even before Internet dating existed!

Sometimes girls waste time at sleepovers talking about the guy they want to marry. I know, guys always think sleepovers are all pillow-fights in sexy underwear.... well. It is. We just took a break. While the feathers settled on our sexy dewy skin.... we discussed "The List."

At this time in my life really the only thing on my list was "NOT a crackhead." Except that I really liked Ska music and I told all my friends that I was going to marry a trombone player.

2 weeks later guess what happened?

I MET a trombone player in a ska band at some show somewhere that I can't remember anymore. He wasn't particularly good looking, decent, but with bad hair. Really bad hair. Like, he put it into a top ponytail and just cut it off, then let it fall where it may. He opened up the convo with "Hey, do you like Ska?" so he was basically IN. However, to my chagrin he DIDN'T ask me for my phone number.

No matter. I can stalk him on the Internets.

I went on his band's web page, and emailed them all asking them if this guy had a girlfriend. I never heard back. So, I emailed him asking him out for coffee. WEEKS passed and he emailed back... and we agreed to meet up. I can't remember where, or when but we started hanging out a bit. I soon learned that all his band mates called me "the creepy Internet girl." Well, I guess it was true, at least. It was pretty creepy to do that. I admit it. But that's because I really AM that creepy and just restrain myself most days.

So after hanging out a bit, phone talking... that kind of thing, I invited him to be my date at a Christmas banquet. Except... this guy didn't have a drivers license and I had to pick him up. Not from his house, from this weird obscure place across town that I drove past 5 times on a one way to try to find it. By the time I picked him up, I realised that this was not a love match. Even though he had put on some snazzy John Fluevog shoes, he still didn't comb his hair. It looked the worst it had ever looked, and I was actually embarrassed to take this guy. Because I had to babysit him all night at the table, I didn't get to visit with any of my friends at all... who were convinced that he "Like-Liked" me because come on... banquets suck. You don't go to a banquet with someone unless you like them.

Halfway through the meal I went to the ladies room. I came back, and MY FOOD WAS GONE. He had told the servers I was done. Come on.... that's insane. I was too nervous to eat all day and the best part of the night was stolen and scraped into a garbage can. Sigh.

So after it was over, he flat out refused to come out to a coffee shop with me and my friends. Not a big deal, but it was a tradition and I was disappointed that I had to take this baby home. We get in the car and he says he's thirsty. Sigh. We go to a Denny's.

While we sat there chit chatting I started to get the ska out of my eyes. I realised that almost everything he said was really condescending. He would say something, then stop himself and say "Oh yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that... " in a really annoying tone of voice. Buddy... YOU CAN'T DRIVE... WHO'S THE STUPID ONE HERE? I figured that I wasn't planning on calling this guy up ever again, but I did want to figure out if he did "like-like" me.

So what does the creepy Internet girl do? I just flat out asked him. His reply kind of shocked me.

"No, I know you too well to like you."

??? What! ???

Did you just say that?

Out loud?

Buddy. I don't know if you were raised by monkeys but that's cold. And Rude.

I really had to force myself to drive him to his house. Didn't want to do it, but that was in the early days before I got screwed around a lot and knew better.

Funny thing though, I ended up working for his sister after that and she agreed that her bro was kind of an ass. Sometimes it doesn't matter if a guy wears nice shoes.... kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or, in this case an ass in sheep's clothing. Explains the hair. 

Monday, 23 January 2012

Gifts guys buy me.

Gifts that I have received from Men over the last 16 years.

Cat themed candle holder (a glimpse of my future as a cat lady)
Brushed nickel promise ring. (Yes, I promise to cheat on you)
Black Satin bed sheets (Who does this guy think he is?)
Carnations. (Oh no you didn't.)
"Catch Me if You Can" DVD. (No thanks)
Electric SOCKS. (ummmmmmm......?)
Rubber Boots with slurpee's duct taped to the sides. (sprained ankle)
A pig donated to a charity. (Treated yourself to a tax break eh buddy?)
Bandaids (The safety seal was broken)
Menu from a restaurant that I never went to. (???)
Pair of Diesel Jeans. (I returned that shit)
Tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil (Can't complain)
Box of chocolates that were melted. (Sat in car for long time?)
A hammock. (Not just a hammock, but an ugly hammock)
A snuggie. (Did I just spend $80 on your gift and you got me a snuggie?)
Book: The Outsiders. (Nice choice)
A song: (recorded about how selfish I am) (No joke) (not even joking)
Playdough. (used. gross.)
Bracelet made of lead. (threw that junk out asap)
Hilarious House of Frightenstein DVD (I broke up with him and left it at his condo by mistake!) arg.
Many Many Mixed Tapes. (some good, some bad)
A nametag collection from all his fast food jobs. (thanks loser).
A mini cooler. (I actually use this)
A dress to meet his mother in. (This is why I date orphans).
Kinder surprise with a picture of him inside. (Yes, he unwrapped it and wrapped it back up).

So as you can see, I obviously haven't dated many rich men. Or even middle class. I was just thinking about this past week and how I always seem to get proposed to by someones dad. It happens all the time. I was teaching a class last week and a guy from Pakistan wants me to go to Pakistan and marry his son. I have no problem with this, except that I CAN'T MAKE ROUND CHAPATIS.

Once I got mauled by a homeless guy outside the hope mission. Knocked me down and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. At least some guys drink mouthwash to get a buzz... improves the smell. A security guard pulled him off of me and as he was being hauled away he yelled "Lady will you marry me?" Excuse me....? Who you calling "lady"?

Another time I had a guy follow me on the LRT and almost all the way home on the bus. He sat near me, and kept staring at me, but in a look-away-she-saw-me-looking-at-her-so-I'll-look-up-and-off-to-the-side-and-she-won't-know-a-thing... I finally asked him what the heck was his problem, and he said I look like his ex girlfriend so could he have my phone number? I said no, and then he asked me to marry him.

I often wonder what the world would be like if all nations observed arranged marriage. Would we be less picky? Wear less makeup? Wear less suggestive clothing? Work harder to earn a good life? Or would be all be trapped in loveless marriages with ugly children? Possibly.

What about the "Soulmate" theory? Do you believe in this? It seems impossible if every person has just one person on earth that is meant for them. Do you have any idea how many people are on this earth? Take that number and divide it by the number of crackheads, then multiply it by herpes. A wise man once told me that "Your soulmate is the person that you ultimately marry," and I believe it. I mean, what if your soulmate got run over by a bus? If you married someone else it would UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE.

I'm not sure, but I think that my soulmate out there has an appreciation for the circus, likes to read books, see movies, eat great food and travel. He likes the left side of the bed, wears John Fluevog shoes every now and again, and likes cats more than dogs. He could care less about hockey when people out there are dying every day and they need help as well as the gospel. He is a good steward, and makes me laugh. A lot.

Just please don't buy me carnations.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Happy Birthday Betty White.

So there are some girls out there that actually don't want to get married. I of course do... since my eggs are drying up I need someone to take care of me when I'm old.

How old are we all going to live anyhow? I'm planning on 75. Betty White just turned 90. NINETY YEARS OLD. HOW SICK IS THAT? She doesn't even wear a diaper or anything. I don't know how I expect to live 58 more years without wearing depends. I almost want to now so that I don't have to get out of bed. 58 more years? Can I afford to live that long? Do I want to live that long? Chances are I will either have Dementia, Heart Disease, Stroke or some sort of freaky Cancer caused by drinking so much freaking tang when I was a kid.

Little known fact: When I was a kid my hands and feet turned orange. For real. Both my parents were smokers, that smoked in the house. That's right kiddies, I was the smelly kid at school. Unbeknownst to me of course. I wheezed, I coughed, and my Grandmother shoved me in the bathtub the second I came over to her house. Or maybe it was asthma. Regardless, I had asthma attacks all the time and had to get oxygen hooked up more than once. My Mother sought advice. The aging pediatrician (who looked like a PEDOPHILE) told my mom to lay off the dairy. But what my mom heard was "Feed her goats milk." GOATS MILK. While the rest of you white kids ate wonderbread sandwiches and drank perfectly pasteurised white milk that came from white cows with 24 caret gold udders.... I had to drink milk from a goat.

When she would sit that glass in front of me all I could think about were hairy goat penis's. I was ignorant, I didn't know there was a difference, and have you ever seen udders on a goat? Me neither. I can't remember how long this went on for, but my mom got the brilliant idea that you can put liquid calcium in ANY LIQUID AND IT'S JUST LIKE MILK. So, I drank a lot of Tang. I don't know how much tang I had to drink in order for my hands and feet to turn orange. In the early 80's I'm pretty sure that red and orange food dyes were toxic and when they were mixed with sperm and ovum in a petrie dish you made Chernobyl babies. Well known fact.

So, I had to go back to see Dr. Pedophile and wouldn't you know it my Mom had dressed me in tights that day. I didn't want to get naked in front of Dr. Creepy (Who I punched in the face when I was three) and I remember fighting with my sister in the room because she wouldn't trade with me and give me her normal (not hand me down) knee socks.

The results: Stop feeding your orange coloured child so much Tang. Did you know that they make juice from real oranges with no poison in it? Water is a liquid too, and since it's clear it will make her more white.

I shared this because I was wondering if Betty White has lived so long because there was no Tang in St. Olaf. The Amish will probably take over the world with buggies and whoopie pie when the rest of us cheeze whiz big mac kids die out.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Quite possibly the #1 reason to NOT online date.

This story is from the local news in Edmonton.

I haven't dated a sicko like this, but just goes to show that older guys that are single are freaky. There must be SOME reason, right? Most of the ones I know wear sweatpants and watch hockey religiously, but still... yuck. This guy makes me want to barf, and then crack him over the head with a baseball bat.


Sunday, 8 January 2012

How to Rebound in 30 minutes or less!

Sometimes dates don't last very long. 

This was an attempt at dating again after breaking up with a guy that I actually liked. I'll write about him another time. For now.... lets talk about "Rebound Guy."

"Rebounding" defined is "Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship". From Wikipedia, so it doesn't count for APA formatting. 

I deny being mentally incapable of making a reasonable decision. I was like, ok.... it's been a couple months... lets get back to it. That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Besides, online dating is like sticking your hand into a bucket of fish, you never know what you will grab. Might be good, might be rotten... but you never know unless you try. I'm starting to think I'm allergic to fish though. 

I met this guy at a coffee shop not that far from my house. Sometimes I get annoyed that I have to drive across town to have a bad date, it's much more convenient to just go a few blocks. He was ok looking, and was wearing nice clothes, at least. This was before plaid shirts really came back into style, so I thought he was a bit farmer like, and I kept calling him "Farmer Ted" in my mind like from "16 candles."
He was actually pretty funny, and we were maybe only 10 minutes into the date when he got this painful expression on his face and got up and went to the bathroom. All of a sudden it smelled like fart where he was sitting. Hmmm. 

I waited. 

I waited some more. 

This was before iPhones existed, so I just sat there doing nothing, checking my crappy nokia for the time. Thank goodness there was a second coffee cup on the table, otherwise it would have looked like I got stood up. However, if I was a crazy person it looked like I had an imaginary friend. Not sure which is worse. I waited nearly half an hour for this guy to come out of the bathroom. I kind of figured that this was maybe not a good time for him. I mean... half an hour? I got up and went to the counter and told the Starbucks people that my date has been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes and I was leaving, so if they could check to see if he was still alive. I figured that he would be too embarrassed to come back to the table anyhow, so this was best... 

Never heard from him again. 

Maybe he died?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mr. Grabby hands.


I had totally forgotten about this one until I looked through a box of movies to throw away. Someone gave me a VHS a long time ago that brought back some bad memories.

I had gone out with a friend from work, who made it kind of obvious after he picked me up that he had a crush on me. How do I know this? I got into the car and he said "I'm so glad we are going to a movie, I've had a crush on you for a long time." Oh. Smooth. Not awkward at all.

So we get to the movie theatre and he really wants to see "Something's gotta give." I am not so into it, because Jack Nicholson isn't one of my favourites, and I don't really like romantic movies that much. Just because my estrogen outnumbers my testosterone doesn't mean that I want to see people making out all the time. I'd rather see someone get stabbed.

I had no idea what the movie was about, but popcorn usually makes me pretty happy.

This guy spent the first half of the movie with his hand upturned on the arm rest. I just kept mine in my lap. Then, he starts spreading out, and soon has his hand over my lap, just hovering. ??? I kept my eyes on his hand, because I wasn't sure if he needed to stretch, or if he was a pervert. He slowly lowered his arm until his hand was resting on my hands. Like in a weird way. I told him not to touch my hand because I coughed on it earlier, and I probably had a disease. He started doing the upturned hand thing on the arm rest again.

So, I wasn't really paying that much attention to the movie until Diane Keaton's FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!!!! I was like, omg, and looked away, and then I got so uncomfortable sitting there while old people are having sex, I had to leave. I mean, renting a movie and fast forwarding it is one thing, but you can't fast forward in a movie theatre. I waited in the lobby for the REST OF THE MOVIE. This guy didn't come out until the end. I don't know, if I was on a date and my date left wouldn't you offer to leave too? Ok. Screw that. I would probably stay in the theatre if I liked the movie, but obviously I didn't like seeing Diane Keaton naked as much as he did. Gross.

On the way home he kept trying to grab my hand again, and I started coughing on it some more.

He did the whole "This was great, we should do it again sometime!" thing. I just said "Well, since we've already seen that movie we don't need to see it again," and got out and left.

Bah ha ha ha.