Friday, 22 March 2013

"Proof that man is doomed", or "I never have to date again".

Women don't need a man to support them because there is welfare. 

Women don't need men to have children,
because there is artificial insemination and 
tons of unwanted Chinese babies to 
buy on the Internet. 

Women don't need a man to protect them because there is bear spray. 

Women don't need a man to change a tire because there is AMA. 



Available on Amazon. Just google boyfriend arm. 

Friday, 15 March 2013

Those Pastors Kids....

It's difficult to know what to write about dating Pastor's Kids (PK's) because they are a whole separate species. For some context, it's not an easy life. They have to not only live up to their fathers expectations, but THE WHOLE CHURCHES EXPECTATIONS. I dated my first and only PK when I was 25. I was naive and thought wow, this guy must be so godly because he's a pastors kid!  HELL NO.

So here are 25 things I have to say about dating THAT pk.

#1 I was his very first ever girlfriend.
#2 He wanted to make out 2 seconds after becoming "official."
#3 He kept saying "Wow, I have a girlfriend!" over and over.
#4 I always caught him looking down my shirt.
#5 I never actually saw him ever read a bible.
#6 He considered U2 to be a) good, b) christian music, c) equal to God
#7 His nose was bigger than Brazil, and you know those things don't stop growing.
#8 He had to have his whole families approval before he would consider dating me?
#9 I think he compared every girl on earth to his sister, kind of hard to live up to.
#10 He wrote and recorded me a song about how selfish I am.
#11 He always tried to pin me down and grind his crotch all over me.
#12 He talked down to me and told me how stupid I was.
#13 My job just wasn't good enough for him.
#14 He told me that when we got married we could get a dog. I hate dogs.
#15 Did you miss that "we," I hope you didn't. What an ass.
#16 He would take me to his house that he was building and show off.
#17 His idea of flirting, was to put a pantsload of construction signs all over my front lawn. Felony.
#18 He would have rather been at the lake, than in church. Not my style.
#19 One time he stole the tip I left for the server on the table at a restaurant.
#20 Treated me like a piece of ass. (Yes, my rear was really nice back then, but still).
#21 So pretentious you wanted to kick him in the throat.
#22 He just wasn't my type... more BMW than El Camino.
#23 My church went crazy and everyone told us to get married, the best way to kill a relationship.
#24 He jumped in on a family photo, and then people died and it's THE ONLY ONE WE HAVE.
#25 He dated someone for just the heck of it, which is something you should never ever do.


The thing that makes me so mad about this experience, is that I had a very strict policy about getting physical with guys. Meaning, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But, I lowered my guard and I should have never have done it. I don't know what I was thinking. I felt so foolish for so long after this, and I really beat myself up over it. I'm not saying that anything happened that would cause me to get stoned, (biblically!) but you know I just really feel that if you are making out with a guy you're not married to, it's likely that you are making out with someone else's husband.

My youth pastor had a really good illustration for this. He glued a piece of pink paper to a piece of blue paper. When he tried to separate them, there were bits of pink stuck on blue, it was all torn and messed up. At the time I didn't see the truth in that illustration. There are consequences for our actions. Whenever I think now about lowering my guard with a guy... I remember that illustration and I thank God that he can heal, he can restore, and he can take care of us better than we can.

Life Lesson: Don't date a pervert. If you date one by accident, dump him no matter what! You deserve better! 

Ok, #26 is a bonus. I went to his lake lot to meet his family which was of course awkward to say the very least. The relationship didn't last much longer after this, but I was left with a nice parting gift. We had went out on someones boat, and he lent me his water shoes to wear. 3 days later, I noticed a teeny purple splotch on the top of each of my feet. The tiny splotches turned into HUGE PURPLE SPLOTCHES the size of mandarin oranges. NI HAO. I went to a dermatologist who said that there is no known cause, no known cure, and that they can last 4-10 years. They did eventually go away as well as all my desire to date again... with my luck next time I would get scabies or lice or male pattern baldness.