Friday, 25 January 2013


Well, my misery has been shared with 20,000 people so far. GOOD JOB ME. I started the blog a little more than a year ago, and I STILL have 2 dates of mine to write about. The best and the worst. I have an appointment with a hypnotist next week to dredge up the memories of the worst one. Eventually the smack will get laid down, but...

Thankfully I have friends that are serial killers. I mean, serial daters.

I got a text from a friend this week...

...and to my delight she said "Yeah, I made an online profile on a dating site. I had a date yesterday, tonight and I have another one tomorrow. I'll keep you posted!" Ok. That's a lot of dates. I don't think I have had more than one blind date a week! It takes me that long to recover... 6 days of hitting my head against a wall and holding the knife parallel to my veins thinking "Should I eat that chocolate bar before I do this? I mean, I don't want to waste it."

But I digress.

My friend got a message from Catman. That wasn't his real name, I just named him appropriately. His profile said "I'm a really good person, at least my cats like me." Yes. It's a crazy cat MAN! The elusive "cat bachelor" DOES exist... it's not just a myth. However my friend does not like cats, so she cancelled the plans they had.

8 months later, he messages her again! He had forgotten she turned him down, and sent her a bunch of messages and "winks." She reminded him that she cancelled on him, and mentioned that she is allergic to cats. (lies). He replied "Maybe you could just never come to my condo, or visit my natural path friend." Right. Then. So welcoming of you.

So she met him at Starbucks and he was 20 minutes late. He was wearing the exact same clothing that they wear at Cineplex Odeon, which was weird because he didn't work there. Her description of his face was "his face was kind of crooked, not sloth, but off, you know?" Love the goonies reference.. She said that his hair was weird, he was weird... just a weirdo. Because he stared at her for an hour. Just stared like he had never seen a woman before. She tried to draw him into conversation, but he just gave her one word answers and it was getting painful. Finally he mentioned that he had had a root canal and she got really excited because finally they had something in common and had 5 minutes of conversation. Then, he stared some more. And some more.

So awkward.

After an hour of crazy silence the staff told her they were closing soon so she chugged her coffee as fast as she could and stood up and tried not to touch him (bah hahhahaha... so funny) and said "Ok, yeah, see you later" and ran to her car. She said that he must live in her neighbourhood because she ended up following him in her car! For blocks and blocks, so she "got lost" on purpose. Then went home and used a lint roller.

"Sometimes you just know, that you can't date a Catman." 

Thursday, 3 January 2013

It's a sweaty life out there.

When I was little our elementary school had a really scary teacher. His name was Mr. R. (I'd love to use his real name even though he's probably dead and no one would care). He taught grade 6, but had opportunities to terrorise kids from other grades as well. This was the kind of teacher that would have been fired in an instant in today's world, if he tried even one mean trick that he pulled back in the 90's. I'm sure he had good qualities, but I'm grateful that he wasn't my dad.

One of the lies that he told us that if we pulled a fire alarm, it breaks an ink vial that pours UV ink onto our hand. If the fire department uses their black light, they can see who pulled it because the ink glows. It only JUST occurred to me, that this is not true. A lie that transcends 2 decades...

Now that we're all grown up and have condo's and bleep like that, a fire drill might be just what you need to meet cute guys in your building. "She" denies that she pulled the fire alarm, but you never know. There might have been a real fire. mmmph.

His name was "Mr. Pj's." They met in the lobby and discovered that they lived a few doors down from each other. The fire drill was almost an all nighter, in winter, so they abandoned the lobby and went to sit in his car. The problem with an overnight fire drill is that you don't get to see what people wear when they are not supposed to be sleeping. Mr Pj's was wearing pj's. She thought he was kind of attractive, and wanted to meet him in daylight to see what he actually looks like.

Because of his weird work schedule, he ended up going to her condo at 11 ish at night. And he wore pyjamas again? On a real first date, this guy wore pyjamas. And socks with holes in them. And no shoes. Other people might think she was being judgemental and picky, but not me. I also would have been appalled. (I mean, I did just get back from England where the men wore suits so beautiful I would have hand washed them in unicorn tears, but....)


Unless you both come from the same mental institution.

She ended up seeing him a few more times and realised that he did have some other quirks. For their second date he took her to a fast food restaurant. Not very impressive, but what was least impressive was that he wore his workout clothes. That smelled like sweat.

In fact, every single time he met up with her, he wore sweaty smelly workout clothes? They were not clean, they were not washed... it was like he was permanently at the gym. My friend is fairly athletic, so maybe he wore them to impress her, to make it seem like he was more athletic? Pyjamas to work out clothes... but no suits in between.

A note for the faithful men that read this blog... this is how you get a girl to break up with you. Just smell really bad... it does the trick.