Saturday, 31 December 2011

Serial Killer.... Cereal killer? Hahahhaha.

This blind date was a set up from a friend. She knew this guy that was kind of artsy, so she thought that we would go well together. Things just don't work like that.

Because this was an artsy guy, instead of asking for my phone number or anything to call me and ask me out, he got my mailing address from my friend. I got a letter in the mail. Not just a letter, but one of those creepy magazine cut out handmade letters. Picture something from a horror movie... are you doing that? Seriously. ??? I wasn't sure if this guy was:

a) A serial killer
b) Just artsy
c) totally mental
d) addicted to scissors.

Anyhow, the letter said to meet him at a coffee shop downtown on a certain day, at a certain time. I could deal with that. It was actually kind of intriguing, but still creepy at the same time. I like a good intrigue. I mean, this could have turned out great, I like creepy things sometimes. So I went to the coffee shop, and there were no men inside. Just a mom and daughter couple, and a girl sitting alone. I waited for a bit, and the girl came over to my table.

Ok, so I thought she was a girl. Turned out THAT WAS THE GUY! Hahahahahahaha. Well, my mistake. He had long hair, and was wearing a big ugly orange cardigan with what I thought were leggings, but were tight black jeans. I guess he was kind of pretty, but he had a pinchy look to his face. Like he ate lots of lemons, but just with his nose.

He started talking about art, and artists that he liked.... and existential this, and existential that.... when I admitted I didn't know what the word "existential" meant he sighed heavily and said "you know, I dont' even think I can explain it to you... you just wouldn't get it... I can tell." Really? You can tell just by looking at me that I won't understand the definition of a word when I hear it? Lame. I might not be an A+ student, but I am certainly no dummy. Only once have I drooled in public.

He had ordered tea, and drank the whole pot. I was grateful that he was done and as I asked our waitress for the cheque he spoke out louder and asked for another pot of tea! Arg. I dont' know why, he must have thought I was stupid... why spend more time with me?

So he told me tales of being a starving artist. Living in a two room flat with 6 other guys. Yes, he used the word "flat" like he's some sort of British wanker. He said that he tried to live off of $1 a day, and ate at shelters to mingle with "people of substance." He talked about independent films, and foreign music... and with every new thing he said he added: "But you've probably never heard of it, right?" My gosh. I've been quoted with saying that "Turtlenecks are the most pretentious of all sweaters" more than once, but this time I think the baggy orange cardigan takes the cake. I've never been spoken down to like this before ever in my life!

I was trying to have a good attitude, and just smile and nod, and think that maybe he was nervous and just didn't know how to act with a girl, in public, in front of a date... and really sometimes I am able to keep my mouth shut and have a good attitude no matter what you've been told...

So I just decided to play along as a stupid person. I asked him if he was going to cut his ear off like Davinci. He said he had thought about it before. (It was Van Gogh). I asked him if he was a part of the new painting movement where people paint with their tongues. He said that he was the one who had actually brought that technique to Edmonton. ??? Seriously? I thought I had invented it 2 seconds ago in my mind... people really do that? I told him that my art is mainly food based. I said that I was making the worlds largest froot-loop necklace, and that my best work was building the 10 Commandments out of alphabet cereal. He signed again, and mumbled under his breath something about "childish." Hahaha.

So after drinking 2 pots of tea he went to the bathroom, and I asked the waitress for our cheque. She brought it just as he got back to the table.  Thankfully he reached into his pocket and pulled out a freaking gold amex card. Excuse me? Gold credit cards? This guy looked like a girly hobo and eats at shelters and has a gold amex card? Well, at least he paid for my Pepsi. It must have been a big sacrifice considering that was a day and a half of living expenses for him.

We weren't getting along and even if he had asked, I had no intention of ever seeing him again. We just said, well... nice to meet you and left it like that. We both walked to the parking lot and I wanted to see what kind of car he drove. I kind of just slunked around my car, pretending to look for my keys in my purse. He walked over to a (maybe) brand new ford focus. With the way he talked, I had thought maybe he rode a fuel efficient vespa, or a rusty old bicycle, or maybe something British like an Austin mini. Even a wood panelled station wagon would have been something this starving artist could tolerate.

I texted my friend and said the date was a bust but I asked what he did for a living? She said that he was the accountant for her insurance firm! Not a starving artist at all... hahaha. I looked him up on FB and there were pictures of him with a ponytail and a white golf shirt... golfing.... ironic.

I actually have seen this guy again, at a church that I don't go to very often. Didn't say hi.

Note- I JUST wrote the title for this post and thought it was so funny that he sent me a serial killer letter and I told him I made art out of cereal. Never connected it before! Oh wait.. I'm the stupid one. Right.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Before and After.

Well... Merry Christmas to you all.

I celebrate CHRISTMAS, not "happy holidays" or "festive greetings". I believe that Jesus Christ is the reason that we celebrate on December 25th year after year.

When I was a kid I knew that Christmas meant toys and blinking coloured lights around the neighbourhood. The artificial tree got pulled out and my Dad swore at the tangled lights. It meant spending time at my Grandmothers eating Ukrainian food with old people that I didn't know, playing polka records in a wood-panelled basement. Shortbread cookies with raspberry jam thumbprints. Being too excited to sleep, knowing that in the morning there would be a surprise under the tree. Would Santa bring what I asked for? My sister poking me and telling me to wake up because Santa brought us Cabbage patch dolls. My mom wearing a new velour bathrobe. My dad sleeping in and not seeing us open up our stockings. Opening up gift after gift... seeing what my Auntie's sent. My Grandmother would give diamond chip jewelry. My other Grandmother would wrap up underwear in a dishtowel she bought at $1.49 day at Woodwards. My parents would pretend to like whatever gift I gave. Being jealous of the cooler toys my sister got. Getting sleepy around noon from such a bad sleep the night before.

Now... everything is different.

Now... Christmas is about a second chance at life. We celebrate this day because Jesus was born.

This is from Luke chapter 2.
1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.
 4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
 8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
 15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
 16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
 21 On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.

I became a Christian when I was 19 years old. I really needed something bigger than myself to believe in. God has never disappointed me, and I am still in awe that He gave me the chance to get to know Him. It really was a second chance at life, because I had messed up the first one so badly. I have faith that when I die I will go to Heaven. How can I know for sure? I don't. But I have faith. It's not empty, or misplaced. I don't need a crutch. I just know that I am a sinner, I can't do this world by myself and I need God. Jesus gave up his life, fulfilled a prophesy in the bible, and died for reasons that make me stop with my eyes closed and tears running down my cheeks. Did he die for no good reason? Probably not. Who would do that... experience excruciating death for a false cause? No one that I have ever met. I don't know that humans have the strength to do it. 

This Christmas why don't you just stop and think about why/what you are celebrating December 25th? There isn't anything wrong with the first 19 Christmas's of my life. They were great. But now things have changed and I see another reason... 

Merry Christmas to you... oooxxx 

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Mr. Ice Cream.

A few years ago I met this guy from the Internet at a coffee shop on the south side. It was a super super hot day and I wanted to go to the park with my friends, but I told them I would meet them after. And then probably make fun of the guy I just went out with. I think this is where I started to get a little jaded...

Anyhow, he was pretty good looking... brown hair, light eyes, he had decent clothing. We met for coffee and surprise surprise... he actually paid for mine. This almost never happens. We sit down and his phone rings. He actually answers it. And talks for almost 6 minutes. Srsly, who does that? It's not like it was business... it was a friend. Not sure if it was a girl or a boy, but they made plans to hang out the next day. Since I've never had a guy try to score a date while he's on a date... I choose to believe it was a guy.

Finally he gets off and we start to chat. And his phone rings. It's his mom. She invited him for lunch on Sunday. He gets off the phone. It rings again. It's another friend, and he's like "No, man, I can't talk now I'm busy. Nothing much. Nothing important. I'll talk to you later OK? Like in an hour." Oh good... he's planning to ditch me in an hour. At least I know when the date will end.

He announces that it's too hot for coffee. So, he wants to get ice cream. We went to the fancy ice cream place where they serve you a scoop of ice cream for $6 and smash in a bunch of candy. Not my favourite, but every now and again it's nice to have a teenager with no upper body strength try to smash oreo's into rock hard ice cream. Sometimes I'm like... "no no.. it's not mixed enough!" and they glare at me and wish I was dead.

He paid, again... nicely done. I picked vanilla with strawberries mixed in. He picked bubblegum with peanut butter cup mixed in. It looks as gross as it sounds. You know what is even grosser? Sitting in the hot sun with a guy spilling bubblegum and peanut butter ice cream on your jeans. This guy ordered like a 5 year old, and ate like a 5 year old. My 3 year old niece doesn't even make a mess like that. So he's all drippy, and what does he do? He WIPES HIS HANDS ALL OVER HIS JEANS. Well, now we match.

He wanted to walk me to my car but I just washed it and I didn't want him near it. So I let him walk me to someone else's car. I just picked the first one that looked good as we walked down the block. This is the best part.... We just kind of said yeah, I had a good time.... so see you around. He didn't try to hug me or stick his tongue down my throat or anything, but he stood there watching me. He was just watching me. I asked if he forgot something, and he said that he wanted to make sure I got home OK. What? He's the 5 year old after all.

So this wasn't my car. He caught me.

Except... I tried the door handle AND IT OPENED. OMG right? I got in and shut the door, and he left. I was terrified that the real owner of the car would come back at that exact moment... or the cops have an internal radar where they know that someone is in someone else's car and I would get busted for attempted grand theft auto. I got out as fast as I could and nonchalantly walked to my real car.

Lock your doors ppl. 

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Bowl-a-rama! Guest Blog.

A friend just told me about a weird blind date that she had... So, yes. I am telling this story without permission, but it brings up two important dating topics.

1.) Touching someone elses food
2.) Being a Spaz.

I was highly entertained while she told me, but I was also surprised. While I will end up paying for a bill on a date while seething inwardly, she will just sit there and not make a move. Wow. That's determination. I've never thought about just sitting there and waiting... staring pointedly at the cheque. I'm usually so eager to get away and leave I'd rather just pay and get the hell out.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only person who gets put off by a little inconsequential thing. I've broken up with a guy for hugging me, giving me flowers, having large gums, dirty fingernails, laughing like a hyena... the list goes on. Sometimes I don't know if I am over-reacting, or if it's legit to dump a guy for having the most annoying laugh in the world? Could you live with a hyena?

Back to my friend... she went for Vietnamese food with her blind date. She's never had it before. She comes from Small Town Alberta. In Small Town Alberta people eat pyrogies. All the food you are raised on is actually the same colour as your plate. Chicken, rice, potatoes, perogies.. cabbage rolls... yup. Simple food. In Small Town Alberta there is the WORLDS LARGEST PYSANKA EGG. There are thousand pound pumpkin growing competitions. Alien landing pads, worlds largest pinto bean, chuckwagon,  tee-pee, moose, Star Trek spaceship, and my favourite is in my own town. The worlds largest baseball bat. People lose their licenses to a DUI... no prob. They just drive their tractor around instead. This is the land I come from. So even though there is usually a token Chinese food restaurant in Small Town Alberta... it's not real Chinese food if hamburgers are on the menu.

They ordered food, and since she has never eaten it before she just asked for "what he's having." Pretty safe to do, if it isn't going to kill him, it probably won't kill her either. When the food came, he must have been really hungry because he shovelled everything in sight into his mouth. She said that he was reaching across the table and taking food off her plate? Is that allowed? I've heard of "family style" before but shouldn't you be actually related to do that?

Afterwards he thought the date was going good.. (she did not, since his grubby fingers stole her dinner) and they went bowling.

Bowling is a fun date thing to do. I usually don't like to go bowling on a first date because I always think that my date is looking at my ass while I bowl. I know this because I am obviously staring at... OK well... lets not admit this on the Internets. Same reason I can't watch figure skating on T.V. Anyhow, my friend must not be as paranoid as I am since she donned those red and blue striped shoes.

This is the part I love the most.

She decided not to date him again because he HIGH FIVED HER AFTER EACH PIN THAT SHE KNOCKED DOWN. Can you imagine? A high five for each pin? I am a pretty crappy bowler, sometimes I only get 30 points, and on a good day I can get 70 but I get worse with each throw. I just tell people I have carpel tunnel syndrome and everyone feels sorry for me. My friend is fairly athletic, so I estimate she bowled at least 150-200. That's got to be at least 40 high fives? I kind of wish I could have watched this date on T.V. I can't imagine dating a spazzy bowler guy... he's still out there so I might get my wish.

Which is worse:

a.) Dirty hands all over your food?
b.) Wearing bowling shoes?
c.) Having rug burn on your hands?
d.) All of the above?

Monday, 19 December 2011

Ronald McBarf. Krusty Cobain? It's a toss up.


I used to work for a company that had an office, and a warehouse. The staff wouldn't really mingle at all... office snobs, dirty warehouse people... it's the same old same old. I worked in the office in the accounting department. I don't know why. I hate being exact, double checking, counting, math... I wanted to kill myself almost every single day. I only survived by putting scary pictures in the files to scare the little asian ladies in my dept. 

One of the guys in the warehouse would ask me out all the time... and I would always say no. One day he asked me if I wanted to go to a football game with him that night. I was like... "Ugh... I don't date guys I work with, sorry". (Total lie, I only date the good-looking ones). He made the point that it was his LAST day at work, so technically we wouldn't be working together at that time of day. It was in front of a bunch of staff, and I felt kind of pressured so I said yes. 

I got him to pick me up from a mall that's pretty close, so he wouldn't know where I lived, and so that in case he was a serial killer there would be witness to identify the vehicle. 

When he pulled up (late), he brushed all the fast food containers off of the passenger seat. He had to do this, because the whole backseat was FULL of fast food garbage. I'm not kidding, it was full up to the windows. There was an odor. There was no seat belt. I tried to roll the window down, but the crank came off in my hand. He was just like, "oh, that always happens, don't worry- you don't have to pay for it". 

We got to the stadium and he wanted to park for free, but I offered to pay for it since he paid for the tickets. He said that he NEVER pays for parking, and we parked like, 10 blocks away. Sigh. 

MEN--- Making a girl walk 10 blocks because you're too cheap to pay $10 parking is incredibly rude. Not just from a lazy perspective either... The amount of money guys waste on video games and energy drinks proves that it's just bad manners. If you don't have $10... can't you find something a bit nicer to do for free than walk through a dirty neighborhood with needles all over the ground? 

During the game he was so distracting, I could barely pay attention to what was going on. I asked him to tell me everything he knew about football, but he had never played or watched it before. I asked him why he bought tickets then, and he said they were free. Oh, ok. So this date is costing you nothing then. Not like it has to, but a first date shouldn't include coupons... its kind of tacky. Unless it was a good kind of coupon, like free shoes or free plane tickets. 

It starts to be the biggest rainstorm of the century. The water came down like buckets, and it was an outdoor stadium.... Instead of letting me wait inside so he can bring the car to pick me up, he made me walk to the car in pouring rain. I have never seen or experienced rain like this ever again, even during the rainy season in Thailand. So I am soaking wet, he is soaking wet, and our date is over early. Good. I can see the Eskimo's lose on T.V anytime and not be soaking wet. 

No, no... Instead of taking me home like he said he would, he stops at a restaurant. Surprise! Dinner! Soaking wet dinner. Romantic. 

During the dinner, he told me all about small town Alberta, and how much dope he smoked, and how he was the dealer for the whole town, and he invented the band "Nirvana" and how Kurt Cobain stole his style.... (Signature plaid shirt and baggy jeans), and how he wrote most of the lyrics for the songs in Nirvana... in fact he talked so much about how cool he was, and how many similarities Kurt Cobain had with him... I figured that he was:

a.) Crazy. 
b.) Possibly high. 
c.) Crazy and high. 
d.) Kurt Cobain.
e.) Mental. 

Looking back, I think he was mental instead of Kurt Cobain. His car did not smell like Teen Spirit. It smelled like a moldy grease factory. 

I kept saying, "Hey- maybe we should get out of here and pay, it's getting late." Each time he would say "Oh no, it's not too late, I don't have to work tomorrow."  Sigh. I sat there for 3.5 hours and I just couldn't take anymore. I slid a $20 under my coaster and I grabbed my purse and said I was going to the ladies room. I did that, and then went out the side fire exit and walked home. I know that this is wrong, but at the time it felt so right. Best walk of my life! I would never have to see this guy ever again! 

The problem was that I forgot that we "used" to work together and that he had to pick up his last cheque FROM ME IN THE OFFICE. Damn. A few days later I saw him walking in the building over the top of my cubicle and I ran and HID UNDER THE DESK AND PULLED THE CHAIR IN. That's right. I did that. One of my co-workers grabbed the cheque for him and I narrowly escaped... whew. 

To be honest, this is probably the worst date manners that I've ever shown. It's way worst than throwing up in front of someone... right? 

Friday, 16 December 2011

Wizard needs food, badly.

One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made was listening to someone else's advice. And cutting my hair like a style I saw on "Edward Scissorhands" in 1992. And getting a tramp stamp tattoo in 1997. Jeans were higher back then, so it's basically in the middle of my back. But when high waisted jeans come back full speed- you better bet that I'll be the trampiest girl on the block. REPRESENT!

When I was 29 years old I went back to school. I wasn't holding out for "the perfect guy" to be there because lets face it... all the students are like... 17 years old. That is called pedophiling, my friends. After the first day of checking out the parking lot for Audi's and Lexus's I realized my sugar daddy didn't go to my school. The next week I scouted out the hallways for signs of wrinkles, tremors and receding hairlines to no avail. There was one blond guy with a pierced eyebrow I saw once in the hallway that looked near my age and was super attractive... never saw him again. Must have been a mirage? So I was stuck in Jr. high. Mom jokes, food fights... I didn't exactly feel like anyone's mother, but I sure did want to give them a spanking. Not a sexy spank either.

Except, there was one guy that was always flattering me in some way or another. He told me that he was older, owned a business, owned a house, etc. I wasn't exactly attracted to him but we started hanging out a bit. I figured it was worth a shot to get to know him, and see if it could/would go anywhere.

I was worried that he was a bit too young, and one of my guy friends at the time said that the rule is half your age plus seven. So, 29 divided in 2 is, 14.5, plus 7 = 21.5. This guy said he was older than that, so I thought I was safe.

I soon found out how wrong I was... He blew hot and cold, and I'm not into that. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Where are all the "black and white" people out there? So frustrating. I think that if a guy likes a girl, he should just say so. If you don't, well... move on because you're wasting her time. If you're not sure, hang out in a group so that there are no mis-interpretations. It's not rocket science.

For Christmas he bought me a snuggie. Fo' real yo. Hahahaha who does that?

For my birthday he gave me the worlds ugliest hammock, coupled with the worlds ugliest bracelet. It was plastic, with lead coated metal. I smiled and said I loved it and threw it away when I got home. I don't want to die as a brunette.

The story ends with him making a date with me and then BLOWING ME OFF TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES. Come on. What was I thinking? I am so much better than that, and I'm sorry that I lowered my standards. Just because a guy says...... oh wait. He's still a guy. Guys do things like this. I am pretty sure that I deserve to date a guy who wants to spend time with me instead of loser strangers on the internet. I didn't really like how he treated women either... kind of like a "cook for me, clean for me" expectation on women. He tried to get me to dye my hair, and he tried to tell me to dress a certain way and I realized that if I end up with a guy like that I would get sent to prison for stabbing him to death.

He kept calling and texting me, but I told him that even as a friend he sucked and I wouldn't give him a second chance. Score one for ME. So proud of you! You get a star!

That summer I ran into someone that worked with him that confirmed that he DID NOT own a business, DID NOT own a house, and was 2 YEARS YOUNGER than he told me he was. It was then that I realized that it was all a big game, to see if he could "get" an older chick. Sigh. How old do I have to be before I stop falling for these tricks? How old do I have to be before someone halfway decent comes along? And why can't Christian Men tell the FREAKING TRUTH? Why do I meet all these freaky men who lie? Either Jesus better come back sooner than he planned, or I'll have to start dying my leg hairs brown to cover up the grey.

I am disgusting. 

My birthday says what?

I love when I read my stats and I see places like Russia, Peru, Thailand, Vietnam, Sweden, Australia, Germany, Czech Republic, South Africa, New Zealand, United States, the Netherlands and especially Canada viewing and reading the blog.

so.... why aren't you people out there telling me your stories?

It's my birthday on December 28.

For my gift, I would like to hear about all the bad dates, bad relationships that you've had. Out there.

Thanks! send stories to


Monday, 12 December 2011

Guest BLOG # 4. Frumpy Brother and his Fancy Squash Court.

Guest Blog! Send submissions to 

My blind date was set up by my rock climbing instructor for a group class. The instructor was good looking, friendly, a Christian, and therefore obviously happily married. I had thought to ask if he had a brother, but couldn't bring myself to be so bold. It may have been taken as a sideways approach to asking if there was any hope we might one day be related. It came as quite a shock then when he came up to me at the end of the classes and (awkwardly) asked if I would ever consider going out with his brother. Sign from God? I think so! It must have been FATE. Right? The setter upper did warn me that "He is not me..." which I laughed off with an "Obviously!". But how could someone related to the outdoorsy, active, outgoing, humorous setter upper be all that bad. Right?

Setter uppers always play on the highlights: he's a dentist, owns his own place, is actively involved in church and plays in the church band (points all round). So I agreed to exchanging e-mails. We wrote a few times and made plans to meet for coffee. 

Crisis: What do you wear when you are going to meet a dentist for coffee? Are there higher standards based on occupation? I didn't want to be too overdone, but still somewhat put together to look "nice". I also made sure that I brushed my teeth an extra time or 2...

I went in to our prearranged locale nervous with butterflies. They were quickly crushed under the rock of realization that this man had not had the same "What should I wear" crisis as I had. We did the whole, Hi, are you blah blah blee? and the confirmation of who is who. In the short time it took for introductions, I was like, 'Dang, this guy really didn't put much effort into this situation. I bet he's not even really a dentist. If he is, business mustn't be going very well...'

He wore an old sweatshirt that had his University logo on it (I don't like those), probably from when he was a first year student in the 15 year dentistry program. I think he was wearing sweatpants too? Maybe they were poor fitting jeans, anywho, not that important. He was a little on the husky side and the sweatshirt did nothing to flatter that fact. He just looked frumpy, like he'd rolled off the couch and come to meet some girl. 

Ok, ok, get over it. Let's get to know this guy, clothes can be remedied. Super sweet guy, a little awkward but I don't mind making conversation with strangers. It's actually kind of fun to find things in common with people as well as find out what makes them unique. So he's a dentist, I work in healthcare. I try to get people to talk about what interests them because you can find out more about them than they realize. :) So his topic of choice was dentistry. Dental surgery, dental school, the difficulties of running a practice, dental procedures in great depth and detail, too much depth and too much detail. Because I'm polite and have an understanding of medical procedures, I let it continue. So. Boring. 

There was a bit of conversation about family and travel. Then back to dental discussions: bridges, grafts, specialized training courses, patient cases where teeth would not stay in no matter what. He noticed my teeth and commented on them (fortunately he found them to his satisfaction, phewf!). 

He did own his own place. He also had a renter that kind of sounded like someone who bummed around. I could just picture the 3 of us hanging out in our university sweats, eating greasy food, and watching sports in a dark basement. Awesome. By the end I just didn't want to hear anymore teeth or dentally words. Overall the date wasn't terrible, just overwhelmingly one sided.

We met up again because I figured I'd give the guy another chance to see if anything more interesting came up in conversation. We went to play squash and I got to use the "elite" ladies locker room as his guest. Now if that doesn't tempt a girl to take the dentist and run, I don't know what will. It was pretty impressive: private saunas, a full countertop of beauty products and hair styling supplies, giant mirrors and lights, lounge areas. After the game, he asked if we could go for coffee. However, me being the little student that I was, just planned to play and head home, not have a romantic date situation. I didn't bring extra anythings to change into, or a towel (there may have been some there but that fact only dawned on me now as I type this many years later... I blame naivety). So off we went, him all shiny, clean, and fresh. Me - all none of those things. I was totally embarrassed. 

Conversation was more varied this time but still ultra dull and he kept mentioning a dental assistant that went on a medical outreach he went on. I thought, well maybe you should ask her out. She'll have a lot more interest in the procedure stories... I went home that night thinking, "that was so boring!!!" No dice. I ended it via e-mail because that was his most frequently used form of communication. 

On a side note, I went to the same university that he had been at (maybe that was the reason for the sweater, proof of his cool hipness). On the way to one of my classes I walked past a set of grad photos. I stopped to look - dentistry program. Found his face. It watched me as I walked past for the rest of the semester. 

Waste of Makeup says: "I told you NOT TO DATE THE DENTIST!" 

And, on second thought... I probably would have punched the brother in the leg and given him a charley horse as payback. 

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Catch me if you can...

Catch me if you can guy isn't exactly a blind date, though I certainly felt blindsided after ward.

He was a brother of a good friend of mine, and pretty much always sat with me in church. And said absolutely nothing. At the end of the service, I would stand up, say "How was your week?" and he would say "Fine" and wait for me to move out of his way so he could leave. So one of those socially awkward people that you never really understand.

The thing is... his Dad would always tell me to marry his son. I am convinced that he had some sort of romance in his mind that only existed there, because again... his son almost never spoke to me. The Dad would come up with weird statements like... "You know, He would do anything for you...." Which led me to think that maybe he had some secret crush or something?

So this guy called me up on the phone to ask me to see a movie with him. It was an old Doris Day film, whom I love, btw, and it was playing at a museum. So I agreed to go, and was wondering if he would like, make a declaration of un-dying love since his Dad was so eager to marry us.

I arrive at the museum, park my car, and start walking to the entrance. The guy is walking towards me, and I'm thinking "How nice, he saw me drive up and came to meet me!" No. He passes me, and says "I'm going to my car." No other explanation. So I go in and wait for him inside, not sure why he went to his car. He comes back like, 10 minutes later and has a bottle of water in his hand. One bottle. Then he says "Did you get your ticket? They only take cash, so I hope you have cash. (rudely, I might add)" Buddy. I was waiting for you to get back so I could see if you bought your date a ticket. Like a normal person would. It was only $3. You couldn't spring for $3?

I paste a smile on my face and go get my ticket.

We walk in together in silence.

The whole auditorium is a sea of silver and grey.

Everyone is a senior citizen.

Except us.

We sit down, and.... HE PULLS A MAGAZINE OUT OF HIS POCKET. He proceeds to read the magazine in SILENCE until the movie starts. Then... more silence.

The movie was ok, I don't remember which one it was but I remember some slapstick suspenders scene that made me laugh out loud.

Movie over.

We stand up in silence.

We walk out in silence.

Parking lot.

This guy just veers off and walks to his car. No goodbye. No I'll see you later. No I'll walk you to your car. I'll just walk to my car and say nothing. He actually left me speechless, standing in the middle of the parking lot... dumbfounded. Did that really just happen?

Did it? Did this guy call me, invite me to a movie and PRETEND I WASN'T EVEN THERE?

It did. The next day I was explaining this weird date to my friend, and she stops me and says "That sounds like my brother, was it my brother?" Yeah.

I don't get it. But, I will tell you that the Dad gave up, and I hope he felt really bad that he tried to play us, and me in particular.

This guy also gave me "Catch Me if You Can" the movie, for my birthday one year. I was wondering if that was a subliminal message and wanted to counter offer with "Gone with the Wind" or maybe, "Get Smart." But again, I have a horrible birthday every single year. That was the year that he yelled out in front of all my friends that I was the stupidest person that he'd ever met. I went home and cried later.

The year before, he gave me a birthday card that said "I'm so glad we are lovers."

The funniest thing about this is that I ended up making this guy's wedding cake. One of the most ugliest requests I have ever had... and they didn't tip me! I made it for cost, and they shorted me. Ha ha ha.... I even had to hire someone to work for me for the day so I could deliver it... that's $80 I'll never see!

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Tips for the guy in my class.

Ok so get this...

One of the guys at my college told me that my blog has taught him more about dating than any other source. Hmmm. This is kind of like a "What not to do on a date" blog, not a "Do all these crappy things" blog. Just so you know. But chances are he'll get married before me anyhow and I can shrink into a ball and gently implode.

I have some tips. You might disagree, but I don't care what you think.

1- Do not ever buy a girl CARNATIONS. They are cheap, tacky and even if she says she likes them SHE IS LYING. I promise you. Buy something else. Draw a picture of a flower with crayons instead... that's almost better.

2- Clean your car! Yes, the whole thing. If she winds up in the trunk and finds dirt you only have yourself to blame.

3- Don't talk about body parts that your bathing suit covers. Or hers. Sigh. Even if you had recent prostate surgery... yes, even then. It's not a first date topic.

4- Offer to pay FOR EVERY FREAKING THING. If you are cheap, take her somewhere cheap like a coffee shop. If she offers to pay, counter her with a "You can leave a tip, if you want." Or, if you like-like her, tell her she can "get it next time" and try to make plans for another date.

5- Let her pick the movie. Goal = Marriage. Your movie pick = sucks. Just let her do it. Go see a guy movie with YOUR GUY FRIENDS.

6- Be clean and smell nice. This means showering, using soap. Shampoo your hair. Shave. Wash your hands and make your nails look nice. Not with nail polish unless you are a tranny. Just cut them to a man length. Check your nose. Check your ears. Leave the Ed Hardy at home.

7- Is it hot out? No? Well why are you wearing shorts? That's terrible.

8- Turn your phone off. TURN your PHONE OFF. Unless your mother is dying in the hospital and can't slap you for going on a date while she is dying in the hospital... turn it off. It's rude.

9- Ask her questions about her life. Listen to the answers. Got no questions? Well, then you ain't interested in her. Move on.

10- Be polite. Open the door. It isn't that hard. Normally you do it without assistance, so it's probably likely that you can let someone else walk through it before you do. Use Please and Thank you. Be nice. But not too nice. 

Monday, 5 December 2011

Don't Date the Dentist.

For some reason every doctor that I know is a terrible dresser. Except for my dermatologist, who is actually really creepy. The last time I was in he straddled me and tried to see what I was texting my friend. Even before he said hello, he got all up in my grill. Stresses me out.

I met this guy online and he seemed nice, looked nice... all that jazz. I rememeber that he was serioius about his faith, which is a major requirement for me. We emailed quite a bit before we met up. I learned that he lived at home still, with his parents and sister. He was a total trekkie. I mean, I do like Star Trek. I travelled to Vulcan Alberta to see the big ship and soak up some small town greatness. I have been known to watch the whole series of TNG in a week while I am at home working. One of the greatest things about me is that I dressed up like a character in Junior High on Halloween. (Also, NOT on Halloween). But one thing that differs someone who likes the show from someone who is obsessive about the show... he had all the titles of the episodes and numbers memorized. Probably the most disturbing thing I learned was that he also had all the seasons of "Little House on the Prairie." That's a little weird. For a GUY. Not a GRANDMA who files her vhs next to her Gaither vids.

So I met the Dentist at the Second cup on Whyte Ave. One of my friends met a guy there once, and they got married, so I figured it was a good place to meet. Better my chances, you know. Well. He was shorter than he said.... either that or he was all legs because when he sat down he was shorter than me. I remember that his hair was perfectly coiffed into a very big man puff. I dont' know why he did his hair like this, because I saw pics of him on FB and he had potential to have better hair.

He seemed like a nice guy, I remember having a good time. I don't know that anything he said put me off, or anything. What put me off was that he was really huggy. I don't like that. You are a stranger, the last thing I want to do is rub my breasts all over you. Aside from that, I just don't remember it being a love match, you know? You know when you have that rapport with someone and it's hard to stop talking? When you have things in common, and it gets to be so late at night that you get kicked out of the coffee shop and stand outside shivering (Hello it's CANADA, we ALWAYS shiver) and you never want to say goodbye? This wasn't one of those times.

He really wanted to show me his car. He insisted upon driving me in his car, to my car. I was like... um... I don't really need to be driven to my car, but he had just bought it and wanted to show it off I think. So I let this guy drive me to my car. I distinctly remember him telling me that his car was like Star Trek. And he gave me a birthday card, seeing as it was my B-day in a couple of days. It was a Star Trek B-day card. No joke. It played music and Spock wished me a Happy Birthday.

He asked me out to see some sort of white nights light thing. I don't know exactly what it was, except it had something to do with lights. We made plans to meet up in the New Year to do this. So... a couple of nights later I had another birthday. I usually have a really horrible Birthday every single year. One year a guy broke up with me on my Birthday with my whole family listening in the next room. Another year a guy I had a crush on told me I was the stupidest person he's ever met at my party, in front of all my friends. To get technical.. he yelled it across the room. He gave me a copy of "Catch me if you can" as a present, and I was like... um, no thanks.

So The Dentist calls me at 11pm at night on my birthday. He tells me that he got me a gift, and that I HAD to meet him ASAP so that he could give it to me. ??? I am in my jammies. I am laying on the couch watching "Gone with the Wind" like I do every single Dec 28th. I have bad hair and no clean clothes. Plus, it's like -30 degree's out. I really did not want to meet this guy, but I felt like I HAD to. I tried to make myself look presentable, and met him at a coffee shop. He ran up to me and hugged me, like usual... lol. Shudder.


Come on, you met me for a date and you're wearing crusty green pajammas covered in plaque?

So, the gift that he gives me..... flowers.

Flowers could not wait until the morning? You already gave me a Star Trek Birthday card, flowers are too much.... lol. My opinions on flowers are that they are welcome, just not at midnight on my birthday when it's cold out and I'm in my pjammas. Flowers show that you did put time and thought into it, and they wern't carnations either. Carnations are the most obnoxious thing you can give to a girl. They are only for grammas and funerals. It's actually really insulting to recieve carnations. They say "I'm just cheap enough to give you the cheapest flower in existance." Seriously guys... don't do it. Spend the extra $5 and get something else... anything else. It's better to give nothing at all than carnations.

So at the end of the impromptu date he walked me to my car. I got in and turned the ignition on and actually yelled, "I never want to see that guy again!!!!!!!" Breakthrough. My subconsious didn't like him either.

Problem was... we had that date planned. I wanted to send an email SO BADLY, but I knew that was the wrong thign to do. We played phone tag, and when I finally got him on the line he sounded so happy to hear from me I didn't know what to say. So I just said "Yeahhhhhhhh.... I'm not really feeling it........" and he said "Thank you, have a good night!" Akward. I've never been thanked for dumping someone before.

I still have that Star Trek Birthday Card.

Live long and prosper.

Saturday, 3 December 2011


It's almost time for the blog to turn 6000 views!

Thanks so much for everyone who has shared in my miserable life. I feel like you are a part of me now. Not the best part, but not the worst part. Maybe between an arm pit and an elbow. That makes you that swingy puffy arm fat that I hate, but will have with me forever.

I caught a few minutes of "He's just not that into you" on T.V the other day. It was that part where there are two black women sitting on a bench complaining that they got dumped. Well, it happens. I've been dumped twice and it sucks. Anyhow, the ladies said that the best thing to do is to get some ribs and ice cream and everything will be ok. That's not true. Ribs are never the answer to a break up. Either is ice cream. When you have emotional damage the last thing you want to do is damage your arteries.

It's so much easier to slash his tires instead.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons.

I've always been fond of this letter, and it always makes me laugh. It needs a share in case you've never hear it before. To hear it out loud, check out the links below. One goes to the site, one goes to youtube.