Tuesday, 28 February 2012

"I love you guy," or the time I dated a mormon by accident.

So, as most of you know from earlier posts my clock is ticking. This means that soon my eggs will not be available for sale on the Chinese black market for that much longer, and my ovaries will implode and resemble shrunken black olives or the philosophers stone. 

When babies cry, it makes me want to run away. For some reason, I think this means I wouldn't be the greatest mom. I mean, I'm all for giving birth and then selling them for profit, or maybe getting a full time nanny or a stay at home dad or even some old people from the rest home to take care of it while I'm at work. It's just that I like older kids the best. They cry considerably less. But technically I've got to get married first before I have nine-tuplets and smirk in the face of Octomom. 

I met a guy that morphed from a super cool dude into a guy that is everyone's worst nightmare. He's called "I love you guy."

I met this beaut at church. A good place to meet a guy, if you are into God and Jesus and all those things like I am. He was soooo funny (when I first met him). Decently good looking, clean shaven... decent clothing and job, and car, and he owned a condo... so you know that he had his life somewhat together. At least he seemed dateable material. 

We went out a few times, and that turned into more than a few times. We went to quite a few movies (mostly animated cartoons), and HE WOULD ALWAYS PAY. I think this is why I kept going out with him... guys paying for me is so rare I just wanted to experience it more than once. He would even buy me movie snacks. When I would order a diet coke, he would wrinkle up his nose and say that diet coke was so un-holy. ??? Whatever. He'd get sprite, or water. I didn't know if he was serious, or soda flirting. If there is such a thing. 

We went for coffee a few times, and it was exciting to meet someone else that had never had a cup of coffee before. I think I've had a sip once... and I didn't like it. I also drank an "iced cap" from Tim Hortons once, and I threw up out the car window on a road trip to Jasper on the highway. Anyhow, "I love you guy" would get Jones soda, or water. No tea. No hot chocolate. ??? I was like, whatever... he must like water. 

He was always super polite- opening doors for me, he would be nice to the servers, bank tellers... it was refreshing and also kind of weird. What was even weirder was I never saw him at church again. I asked him about it and he said that he started going to a different church. I asked which one and he just said it was on the south side and traditional and I'd think it was boring. Ok, well... I thought that saved me some time. But, it just wasn't a love match on my side and I always had the feeling like he was disapproving of everything I said and did... once he came over and told me that I should throw away 99.9% of the movies that I watch. Hello... I need that Kill Bill to get me through the day sometimes. 

So I called him even though I really wanted to text instead.... I was mature for once and talked in person to break it off with him. He took it pretty well, and we said "see you later." But he really meant that he'd see me later, because he showed up at my work asking if I wanted to go out and talk. Sigh. Ok, so I went for coffee with him and he said that it was destiny that brought us together. 

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Really? Destiny? 

And then he told me that he loved me. Those big brown eyes teared up and I started laughing at him. (I always laugh when men cry, it makes me so uncomfortable). I was like no way, that is impossible, there is a difference between infatuation and love, and it was obvious to me that we wouldn't make a good match. So I broke it off a little firmer and told him not to contact me again. 

He texted me probably 20 times that day, and 20 times the next. I finally just shut my phone off and stuck it in a drawer. After a week I checked it and all the voice mail was from him leaving insane messages, reciting love poetry, and one invited me to church to meet his family.

All of a sudden... everything made a lot of sense. I just felt so stupid I didn't tell anyone. I still feel stupid, but he's probably married with 5 kids living on planet Kolob by now. I'm just glad I'm in my grannie panties instead of sexy mormon underwears. 

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Tips for Single Women... from 1939.

Well now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years... 

I personally like the one where you can't look bored, even if you are. 

Thursday, 16 February 2012

"I read her blog BEFORE it was a book."

12,000 views already?

Thanks for all the emails... I'm glad that I'm not the only one out there that has had so many bad blind dates. At least we can laugh at ourselves... which is the purpose of this blog. I can sit around and feel rejected, or I can laugh at all of my experiences and share them so YOU can laugh too.

Besides... the more views, the more people that can say, "I read her blog BEFORE it was a book." Or "They made that book into a movie, can you believe it's a true story with all the jerks she's gone out with?" Or something something like THAT.

Eat that. 

10 things to do on a bad blind date.

This is hilarious... 

I found this list of things to do while on a bad blind date.... wish I had thought of some of them. 
Faking the Ebola virus is my favourite... 

Ok, I'll make my own list. 

The WASTE OF MAKEUP list of things to do on a bad blind date. 

1.) Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and go out and key his car.
2.) Steal his credit card and order him things online like snuggies and self-help books.
3.) Put an eno in your mouth and fake a seizure.
4.) Wear your wedding dress.
5.) Chew with your mouth open and let a little food fall onto the table.
6.) Ask him the same question every few minutes.
7.) Draw a cartoon of your bad blind date as it's happening and share it.
8.) Try to pick up another guy right there and then. See what happens.
9.) Arrange his name into an anagram that reads "I am Lord Voldemort."
10.) Call him and ask him out on his cell while you're both sitting there... .. .

Enjoy. I've come close to number 5 in real life, only it was puke. Kind of wonder how I managed to get a second date... but it happened. BELIEVE IT.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Worst Valentines Day EVER.

Let me tell you about the worst Valentines day I have ever had.

You mean, besides the subsequent 13 that were spent alone? Yeah. For some reason, this event scarred me enough that I just don't date people around V-day.

So my boyfriend invited me over to his house for a romantic dinner for two. Translation: I want to sleep with you tonight. SO anyways... I arrive and he is trying his best, being that he's a guy that can't cook. Menu is spaghetti. Spaghetti isn't really a romantic food... it's what you get at elementary school lunch, or on the side at the Olive Garden. It's the type of food that actually can make the night go worse.... sauce all over your face, spaghetti slurping, fork spoon positioning, noodle mishaps... too much going on there. When I was a kid my mom made me put on a hot pink sweatshirt whenever we had pasta because I was such a messy eater. I pretty much still am.

He had been trying to make this pasta for awhile, because he didn't know how to turn on the stove. He kept turning on the oven instead and was dumbfounded that the top of the stove wasn't boiling the water. After awhile I took pity and helped him. He boiled that spaghetti for a looooong time. It was like one big glued together mess that he drained and cut in half with a knife and slapped on two plates, then poured canned sauce on top. Bon Appetite!

Problem was that he lived with his Dad, who also planned to bring a girl home for a Romantic Valentines Day Dinner. Just as we sat down to congealed noodles, his dad came home with a girl.


He started yelling at my bf for being home when he wanted to be alone with his girl. He yelled at him for using plates. He yelled at him for using his food, to feed a stranger. He yelled at him for using the fireplace, and wood that didn't belong to him to burn in the fireplace. He yelled at him for making a mess in the kitchen. He yelled at him for not knowing telepathically that he was inviting his own girl over. He yelled at him for everything under the sun. It was so uncomfortable and awkward. At first I thought maybe it was some kind of act, but I soon stopped laughing when I saw his crazy angry eyes.


He called me every name in the book. The B word, the A word, and even the C word. Right in front of his guest, his son and as far as I know all the neighbours could hear. At least one person heard, because they CALLED THE FREAKING COPS when they started to hear glass smashing.

He smashed the plates we were eating off of, the bowl of spaghetti, the glasses of wine, and then he threw a pot from the kitchen into the dining room and smashed a mirror.

So... cops show up... as I am putting my shoes on and leaving through the back door un-noticed.

I took the bus home. On valentines day. After some guy's dad called me the C word.

Note: This also explains why I never want to meet a guy's parents, and why I like to date orphans.


Monday, 13 February 2012

Real Men. .... ...

So this photo is floating around on the facebooks today. I thought it was blog worthy because yeah.... real men don't buy girls. Every time I go to Thailand I get sick from seeing old men with young beautiful Thai women, or worse... young boys. The sex industry makes me sick, and I'm glad that celebrities are using their influence to raise awareness. 

Go to http://demiandashton.org/realmen and read all about the campaign. 

Then go to https://www.facebook.com/dnafoundation to join the fight! 

Then, hide your wife, hide your kids.... 

Just kidding. 

But seriously, Real Men Don't Buy Girls, and 
Real Men Don't Buy Girls Carnations. 

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Online Dating Photo-capades.

So every time I search online for dates I see the same people. It's like there are 34 men in my area that are pre-disposed to being single forever. And they are on ALL the online sites. Same guys. Sometimes the name is different, but the pictures are the same.

Because they are REALLY working for you.

#1. You and your dog. Really? That's a little too much information in the first picture I see of you. It tells me that no matter what, you will love that animal more than me. You'll get up early to take it outside so it can poo on the sidewalk and you will gladly and lovingly pick up that poo, but you won't get up early for ME to go for a run or coffee or to a farmers market, and that dog WILL be sleeping in the bed between us, slobbering and breathing dog breath on me.

#2. You and your quad. This to me says "I have no hobbies, so I buy useless modes of transportation and ride them in the mud. It's an activity I will be doing alone, because you can't know how awesome it is and you will never have enough testosterone to even touch this machine."

#3. You in front of a big truck. This says "Oh yeah, I can afford a $40,000 truck but I still have student loans and it's my way of feeling like a man. As long as I have this truck... I am so manly." By the way, you could have washed it for the picture.

#4. Wearing sunglasses. Ok, why even take a picture? All I can see is the lower half of your face. Might as well post a picture of Batman for all I can tell you MIGHT actually BE Batman, but living in crappy Edmonton instead of Gotham city.

#5. A speck in front of some crappy mountains. Oh... is that you? Are you the size of a hobbit, or an elf? I can barely see you. Is this so that I can't actually tell you lied about how tall you are?

#6. Blurry out of focus close up of your face. Not so attractive. You didn't shave, or even smile. Is that a face you want to date? Not really. Would it have hurt to comb your hair?

#7. Wearing a hat. Ok. This is an issue. We all know 50% of men are bald. We can live with that. 50% of women get breast cancer. If you can live with a woman with one breast, we can live with a bald man. Just BE UP FRONT ABOUT IT. There's nothing worse than blind dating a guy who shows up bald. Oh... maybe the time the guy had a comb-over. Like buddy... what... are you going to wear that touque November, December, January, February and March but as soon as April comes around she's going to find out you're bald. It's like girls wearing padded push-up bras. Trust me, you'll be just as disappointed as we are.

#8. Shirtless. I don't know about the rest of the female population, but when I see a guy with huge muscles all I think is that you spend 3 hours at the gym everyday and those hours could be spent doing something more useful. Also, in your profile you want a girl that is into eating right and fitness. Let me clue you in... ALL THE SKINNY GIRLS GOT MARRIED IN THEIR 20'S. THE ONLY GIRLS LEFT ARE CHUBBY. Might as well be real here.

#9. With a hot girl at the bar. Why would you do this? This says "Oh yeah, I can get a hot girl anytime I want but I'm just online to see if I can find "the one." But really... I get laid all the time." Even worse is WHEN YOU CUT THE GIRL OUT OF THE PICTURE. That's rude, and tacky. Could you not take a picture? It takes 5 seconds. Even drawing a picture of yourself is better than that.

#10. Studio shots. I've seen more pictures of men posing at sears for their online dating picture than I care to remember. Bending down on one knee, resting your head on your hand, hands clasped, looking into the distance.... yeah. That's called TRYING TOO HARD. I see this and think you're trying too hard, or.... your mom took you for your 40th birthday to get a sears portrait package because she is so slighted she doesn't have grandkids yet she needs to control your life in order to feel fulfilled.

Honestly... it's all true.  

Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I got an email today. Unfortunately I do not speak Asian, but I was able to have it translated. 

-Random Chinese email address.

-Hi Sexy White Girl.

-We want you to come to china to meet young man who like you very much. He need white girl to marry. Canada is good place to live. He is 5 foot 3 and have black hair and black eyes. He respect your culture and move with you now.

-Will bring Mother in Law later in the spring.

-No like? We have more chinese boy for you, you pick which one is lucky.

-Answer for you is good luck in year of dragon.