Monday, 30 January 2012

Mr. Trombone

So one time I stalked a guy on the Internet until he went out with me. For real... this was even before Internet dating existed!

Sometimes girls waste time at sleepovers talking about the guy they want to marry. I know, guys always think sleepovers are all pillow-fights in sexy underwear.... well. It is. We just took a break. While the feathers settled on our sexy dewy skin.... we discussed "The List."

At this time in my life really the only thing on my list was "NOT a crackhead." Except that I really liked Ska music and I told all my friends that I was going to marry a trombone player.

2 weeks later guess what happened?

I MET a trombone player in a ska band at some show somewhere that I can't remember anymore. He wasn't particularly good looking, decent, but with bad hair. Really bad hair. Like, he put it into a top ponytail and just cut it off, then let it fall where it may. He opened up the convo with "Hey, do you like Ska?" so he was basically IN. However, to my chagrin he DIDN'T ask me for my phone number.

No matter. I can stalk him on the Internets.

I went on his band's web page, and emailed them all asking them if this guy had a girlfriend. I never heard back. So, I emailed him asking him out for coffee. WEEKS passed and he emailed back... and we agreed to meet up. I can't remember where, or when but we started hanging out a bit. I soon learned that all his band mates called me "the creepy Internet girl." Well, I guess it was true, at least. It was pretty creepy to do that. I admit it. But that's because I really AM that creepy and just restrain myself most days.

So after hanging out a bit, phone talking... that kind of thing, I invited him to be my date at a Christmas banquet. Except... this guy didn't have a drivers license and I had to pick him up. Not from his house, from this weird obscure place across town that I drove past 5 times on a one way to try to find it. By the time I picked him up, I realised that this was not a love match. Even though he had put on some snazzy John Fluevog shoes, he still didn't comb his hair. It looked the worst it had ever looked, and I was actually embarrassed to take this guy. Because I had to babysit him all night at the table, I didn't get to visit with any of my friends at all... who were convinced that he "Like-Liked" me because come on... banquets suck. You don't go to a banquet with someone unless you like them.

Halfway through the meal I went to the ladies room. I came back, and MY FOOD WAS GONE. He had told the servers I was done. Come on.... that's insane. I was too nervous to eat all day and the best part of the night was stolen and scraped into a garbage can. Sigh.

So after it was over, he flat out refused to come out to a coffee shop with me and my friends. Not a big deal, but it was a tradition and I was disappointed that I had to take this baby home. We get in the car and he says he's thirsty. Sigh. We go to a Denny's.

While we sat there chit chatting I started to get the ska out of my eyes. I realised that almost everything he said was really condescending. He would say something, then stop himself and say "Oh yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that... " in a really annoying tone of voice. Buddy... YOU CAN'T DRIVE... WHO'S THE STUPID ONE HERE? I figured that I wasn't planning on calling this guy up ever again, but I did want to figure out if he did "like-like" me.

So what does the creepy Internet girl do? I just flat out asked him. His reply kind of shocked me.

"No, I know you too well to like you."

??? What! ???

Did you just say that?

Out loud?

Buddy. I don't know if you were raised by monkeys but that's cold. And Rude.

I really had to force myself to drive him to his house. Didn't want to do it, but that was in the early days before I got screwed around a lot and knew better.

Funny thing though, I ended up working for his sister after that and she agreed that her bro was kind of an ass. Sometimes it doesn't matter if a guy wears nice shoes.... kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or, in this case an ass in sheep's clothing. Explains the hair. 

Monday, 23 January 2012

Gifts guys buy me.

Gifts that I have received from Men over the last 16 years.

Cat themed candle holder (a glimpse of my future as a cat lady)
Brushed nickel promise ring. (Yes, I promise to cheat on you)
Black Satin bed sheets (Who does this guy think he is?)
Carnations. (Oh no you didn't.)
"Catch Me if You Can" DVD. (No thanks)
Electric SOCKS. (ummmmmmm......?)
Rubber Boots with slurpee's duct taped to the sides. (sprained ankle)
A pig donated to a charity. (Treated yourself to a tax break eh buddy?)
Bandaids (The safety seal was broken)
Menu from a restaurant that I never went to. (???)
Pair of Diesel Jeans. (I returned that shit)
Tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil (Can't complain)
Box of chocolates that were melted. (Sat in car for long time?)
A hammock. (Not just a hammock, but an ugly hammock)
A snuggie. (Did I just spend $80 on your gift and you got me a snuggie?)
Book: The Outsiders. (Nice choice)
A song: (recorded about how selfish I am) (No joke) (not even joking)
Playdough. (used. gross.)
Bracelet made of lead. (threw that junk out asap)
Hilarious House of Frightenstein DVD (I broke up with him and left it at his condo by mistake!) arg.
Many Many Mixed Tapes. (some good, some bad)
A nametag collection from all his fast food jobs. (thanks loser).
A mini cooler. (I actually use this)
A dress to meet his mother in. (This is why I date orphans).
Kinder surprise with a picture of him inside. (Yes, he unwrapped it and wrapped it back up).

So as you can see, I obviously haven't dated many rich men. Or even middle class. I was just thinking about this past week and how I always seem to get proposed to by someones dad. It happens all the time. I was teaching a class last week and a guy from Pakistan wants me to go to Pakistan and marry his son. I have no problem with this, except that I CAN'T MAKE ROUND CHAPATIS.

Once I got mauled by a homeless guy outside the hope mission. Knocked me down and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. At least some guys drink mouthwash to get a buzz... improves the smell. A security guard pulled him off of me and as he was being hauled away he yelled "Lady will you marry me?" Excuse me....? Who you calling "lady"?

Another time I had a guy follow me on the LRT and almost all the way home on the bus. He sat near me, and kept staring at me, but in a look-away-she-saw-me-looking-at-her-so-I'll-look-up-and-off-to-the-side-and-she-won't-know-a-thing... I finally asked him what the heck was his problem, and he said I look like his ex girlfriend so could he have my phone number? I said no, and then he asked me to marry him.

I often wonder what the world would be like if all nations observed arranged marriage. Would we be less picky? Wear less makeup? Wear less suggestive clothing? Work harder to earn a good life? Or would be all be trapped in loveless marriages with ugly children? Possibly.

What about the "Soulmate" theory? Do you believe in this? It seems impossible if every person has just one person on earth that is meant for them. Do you have any idea how many people are on this earth? Take that number and divide it by the number of crackheads, then multiply it by herpes. A wise man once told me that "Your soulmate is the person that you ultimately marry," and I believe it. I mean, what if your soulmate got run over by a bus? If you married someone else it would UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE.

I'm not sure, but I think that my soulmate out there has an appreciation for the circus, likes to read books, see movies, eat great food and travel. He likes the left side of the bed, wears John Fluevog shoes every now and again, and likes cats more than dogs. He could care less about hockey when people out there are dying every day and they need help as well as the gospel. He is a good steward, and makes me laugh. A lot.

Just please don't buy me carnations.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Happy Birthday Betty White.

So there are some girls out there that actually don't want to get married. I of course do... since my eggs are drying up I need someone to take care of me when I'm old.

How old are we all going to live anyhow? I'm planning on 75. Betty White just turned 90. NINETY YEARS OLD. HOW SICK IS THAT? She doesn't even wear a diaper or anything. I don't know how I expect to live 58 more years without wearing depends. I almost want to now so that I don't have to get out of bed. 58 more years? Can I afford to live that long? Do I want to live that long? Chances are I will either have Dementia, Heart Disease, Stroke or some sort of freaky Cancer caused by drinking so much freaking tang when I was a kid.

Little known fact: When I was a kid my hands and feet turned orange. For real. Both my parents were smokers, that smoked in the house. That's right kiddies, I was the smelly kid at school. Unbeknownst to me of course. I wheezed, I coughed, and my Grandmother shoved me in the bathtub the second I came over to her house. Or maybe it was asthma. Regardless, I had asthma attacks all the time and had to get oxygen hooked up more than once. My Mother sought advice. The aging pediatrician (who looked like a PEDOPHILE) told my mom to lay off the dairy. But what my mom heard was "Feed her goats milk." GOATS MILK. While the rest of you white kids ate wonderbread sandwiches and drank perfectly pasteurised white milk that came from white cows with 24 caret gold udders.... I had to drink milk from a goat.

When she would sit that glass in front of me all I could think about were hairy goat penis's. I was ignorant, I didn't know there was a difference, and have you ever seen udders on a goat? Me neither. I can't remember how long this went on for, but my mom got the brilliant idea that you can put liquid calcium in ANY LIQUID AND IT'S JUST LIKE MILK. So, I drank a lot of Tang. I don't know how much tang I had to drink in order for my hands and feet to turn orange. In the early 80's I'm pretty sure that red and orange food dyes were toxic and when they were mixed with sperm and ovum in a petrie dish you made Chernobyl babies. Well known fact.

So, I had to go back to see Dr. Pedophile and wouldn't you know it my Mom had dressed me in tights that day. I didn't want to get naked in front of Dr. Creepy (Who I punched in the face when I was three) and I remember fighting with my sister in the room because she wouldn't trade with me and give me her normal (not hand me down) knee socks.

The results: Stop feeding your orange coloured child so much Tang. Did you know that they make juice from real oranges with no poison in it? Water is a liquid too, and since it's clear it will make her more white.

I shared this because I was wondering if Betty White has lived so long because there was no Tang in St. Olaf. The Amish will probably take over the world with buggies and whoopie pie when the rest of us cheeze whiz big mac kids die out.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Quite possibly the #1 reason to NOT online date.

This story is from the local news in Edmonton.

I haven't dated a sicko like this, but just goes to show that older guys that are single are freaky. There must be SOME reason, right? Most of the ones I know wear sweatpants and watch hockey religiously, but still... yuck. This guy makes me want to barf, and then crack him over the head with a baseball bat.


Sunday, 8 January 2012

How to Rebound in 30 minutes or less!

Sometimes dates don't last very long. 

This was an attempt at dating again after breaking up with a guy that I actually liked. I'll write about him another time. For now.... lets talk about "Rebound Guy."

"Rebounding" defined is "Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship". From Wikipedia, so it doesn't count for APA formatting. 

I deny being mentally incapable of making a reasonable decision. I was like, ok.... it's been a couple months... lets get back to it. That sounds like a very reasonable decision. Besides, online dating is like sticking your hand into a bucket of fish, you never know what you will grab. Might be good, might be rotten... but you never know unless you try. I'm starting to think I'm allergic to fish though. 

I met this guy at a coffee shop not that far from my house. Sometimes I get annoyed that I have to drive across town to have a bad date, it's much more convenient to just go a few blocks. He was ok looking, and was wearing nice clothes, at least. This was before plaid shirts really came back into style, so I thought he was a bit farmer like, and I kept calling him "Farmer Ted" in my mind like from "16 candles."
He was actually pretty funny, and we were maybe only 10 minutes into the date when he got this painful expression on his face and got up and went to the bathroom. All of a sudden it smelled like fart where he was sitting. Hmmm. 

I waited. 

I waited some more. 

This was before iPhones existed, so I just sat there doing nothing, checking my crappy nokia for the time. Thank goodness there was a second coffee cup on the table, otherwise it would have looked like I got stood up. However, if I was a crazy person it looked like I had an imaginary friend. Not sure which is worse. I waited nearly half an hour for this guy to come out of the bathroom. I kind of figured that this was maybe not a good time for him. I mean... half an hour? I got up and went to the counter and told the Starbucks people that my date has been in the bathroom for over 30 minutes and I was leaving, so if they could check to see if he was still alive. I figured that he would be too embarrassed to come back to the table anyhow, so this was best... 

Never heard from him again. 

Maybe he died?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mr. Grabby hands.


I had totally forgotten about this one until I looked through a box of movies to throw away. Someone gave me a VHS a long time ago that brought back some bad memories.

I had gone out with a friend from work, who made it kind of obvious after he picked me up that he had a crush on me. How do I know this? I got into the car and he said "I'm so glad we are going to a movie, I've had a crush on you for a long time." Oh. Smooth. Not awkward at all.

So we get to the movie theatre and he really wants to see "Something's gotta give." I am not so into it, because Jack Nicholson isn't one of my favourites, and I don't really like romantic movies that much. Just because my estrogen outnumbers my testosterone doesn't mean that I want to see people making out all the time. I'd rather see someone get stabbed.

I had no idea what the movie was about, but popcorn usually makes me pretty happy.

This guy spent the first half of the movie with his hand upturned on the arm rest. I just kept mine in my lap. Then, he starts spreading out, and soon has his hand over my lap, just hovering. ??? I kept my eyes on his hand, because I wasn't sure if he needed to stretch, or if he was a pervert. He slowly lowered his arm until his hand was resting on my hands. Like in a weird way. I told him not to touch my hand because I coughed on it earlier, and I probably had a disease. He started doing the upturned hand thing on the arm rest again.

So, I wasn't really paying that much attention to the movie until Diane Keaton's FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!!!! I was like, omg, and looked away, and then I got so uncomfortable sitting there while old people are having sex, I had to leave. I mean, renting a movie and fast forwarding it is one thing, but you can't fast forward in a movie theatre. I waited in the lobby for the REST OF THE MOVIE. This guy didn't come out until the end. I don't know, if I was on a date and my date left wouldn't you offer to leave too? Ok. Screw that. I would probably stay in the theatre if I liked the movie, but obviously I didn't like seeing Diane Keaton naked as much as he did. Gross.

On the way home he kept trying to grab my hand again, and I started coughing on it some more.

He did the whole "This was great, we should do it again sometime!" thing. I just said "Well, since we've already seen that movie we don't need to see it again," and got out and left.

Bah ha ha ha.