Tuesday, 28 February 2012

"I love you guy," or the time I dated a mormon by accident.

So, as most of you know from earlier posts my clock is ticking. This means that soon my eggs will not be available for sale on the Chinese black market for that much longer, and my ovaries will implode and resemble shrunken black olives or the philosophers stone. 

When babies cry, it makes me want to run away. For some reason, I think this means I wouldn't be the greatest mom. I mean, I'm all for giving birth and then selling them for profit, or maybe getting a full time nanny or a stay at home dad or even some old people from the rest home to take care of it while I'm at work. It's just that I like older kids the best. They cry considerably less. But technically I've got to get married first before I have nine-tuplets and smirk in the face of Octomom. 

I met a guy that morphed from a super cool dude into a guy that is everyone's worst nightmare. He's called "I love you guy."

I met this beaut at church. A good place to meet a guy, if you are into God and Jesus and all those things like I am. He was soooo funny (when I first met him). Decently good looking, clean shaven... decent clothing and job, and car, and he owned a condo... so you know that he had his life somewhat together. At least he seemed dateable material. 

We went out a few times, and that turned into more than a few times. We went to quite a few movies (mostly animated cartoons), and HE WOULD ALWAYS PAY. I think this is why I kept going out with him... guys paying for me is so rare I just wanted to experience it more than once. He would even buy me movie snacks. When I would order a diet coke, he would wrinkle up his nose and say that diet coke was so un-holy. ??? Whatever. He'd get sprite, or water. I didn't know if he was serious, or soda flirting. If there is such a thing. 

We went for coffee a few times, and it was exciting to meet someone else that had never had a cup of coffee before. I think I've had a sip once... and I didn't like it. I also drank an "iced cap" from Tim Hortons once, and I threw up out the car window on a road trip to Jasper on the highway. Anyhow, "I love you guy" would get Jones soda, or water. No tea. No hot chocolate. ??? I was like, whatever... he must like water. 

He was always super polite- opening doors for me, he would be nice to the servers, bank tellers... it was refreshing and also kind of weird. What was even weirder was I never saw him at church again. I asked him about it and he said that he started going to a different church. I asked which one and he just said it was on the south side and traditional and I'd think it was boring. Ok, well... I thought that saved me some time. But, it just wasn't a love match on my side and I always had the feeling like he was disapproving of everything I said and did... once he came over and told me that I should throw away 99.9% of the movies that I watch. Hello... I need that Kill Bill to get me through the day sometimes. 

So I called him even though I really wanted to text instead.... I was mature for once and talked in person to break it off with him. He took it pretty well, and we said "see you later." But he really meant that he'd see me later, because he showed up at my work asking if I wanted to go out and talk. Sigh. Ok, so I went for coffee with him and he said that it was destiny that brought us together. 

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Really? Destiny? 

And then he told me that he loved me. Those big brown eyes teared up and I started laughing at him. (I always laugh when men cry, it makes me so uncomfortable). I was like no way, that is impossible, there is a difference between infatuation and love, and it was obvious to me that we wouldn't make a good match. So I broke it off a little firmer and told him not to contact me again. 

He texted me probably 20 times that day, and 20 times the next. I finally just shut my phone off and stuck it in a drawer. After a week I checked it and all the voice mail was from him leaving insane messages, reciting love poetry, and one invited me to church to meet his family.

All of a sudden... everything made a lot of sense. I just felt so stupid I didn't tell anyone. I still feel stupid, but he's probably married with 5 kids living on planet Kolob by now. I'm just glad I'm in my grannie panties instead of sexy mormon underwears.