A German Breakfast in France.

Oh my gosh. So I went to France.

The thing about France is that EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction. Moulin Rouge, the Louvre, Eiffel Tower... crawling with people. Everywhere you go you can't really get a moments peace and enjoy yourself unless.... you get up at 5 am in order to get there before everyone else does. I tried this. I'm not a morning person by any means but I did it. Woke up at 5, and was downstairs for breakfast by 6.

The man that served breakfast in my hostel was really creepy. And really French. He would watch you to make sure you only took one croissant and one day he frowned at me taking 2 sugar cubes and on my 6 am early day he saw me coming and REMOVED the sugar before I could take one. Then he pretended he didn't know English when I was like, Dude I can't drink this tea without sugar.

So this random German guy offered to share his honey. I usually don't accept food from strangers but since he was using it I thought it was probably ok. And part of travelling is getting out of your comfort zone and eating mysterious honey and talking to strangers at 6 am is definitely out of my comfort zone.

So I asked this guy why he was up at 6am and he said he hadn't been to bed yet, because they were at the club all night and then drank "many bottles of wine" outside on the sidewalk. His English (for a drunk guy) was actually really good, and he was actually really good looking. Tall, blond, beardy, strapping German lad. All he was missing was the Laederhosen! They don't make guys like that in Canada... and if they do they're in the woods somewhere because I can't find them.

So my new German friend invited me to his room to drink "bottles of wine" with his friends. Hell no. I was like "Oh, sorry I'm meeting my friend, I'm going to Versailles today!" I mean... it's 6am. Do you really think I have time to become a statistic and miss my grand tour of Europe because I'm skinned alive in a creepy hostel in france? Actually... it was a really nice design hostel.

So instead my new German friend invited me to come to Germany! "You must come to Germany and stay at my house and we will go to nightclubs! Germany has the best clubs and we will dance!" He gave me his phone number in Berlin... his address... he told me which train to take and all that jazz. I was kind of regretting putting makeup on.

(This is the best part.)

Then he made a sandwich and beat boxed for me. When I say that he "beat boxed" what I mean is that he said "boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants" over and over again... while doing a rave dance shuffle and eating a sandwich.

And I never saw him again...

Online Dating Photo-capades.

So every time I search online for dates I see the same people. It's like there are 34 men in my area that are pre-disposed to being single forever. And they are on ALL the online sites. Same guys. Sometimes the name is different, but the pictures are the same.

Because they are REALLY working for you.

#1. You and your dog. Really? That's a little too much information in the first picture I see of you. It tells me that no matter what, you will love that animal more than me. You'll get up early to take it outside so it can poo on the sidewalk and you will gladly and lovingly pick up that poo, but you won't get up early for ME to go for a run or coffee or to a farmers market, and that dog WILL be sleeping in the bed between us, slobbering and breathing dog breath on me.

#2. You and your quad. This to me says "I have no hobbies, so I buy useless modes of transportation and ride them in the mud. It's an activity I will be doing alone, because you can't know how awesome it is and you will never have enough testosterone to even touch this machine."

#3. You in front of a big truck. This says "Oh yeah, I can afford a $40,000 truck but I still have student loans and it's my way of feeling like a man. As long as I have this truck... I am so manly." By the way, you could have washed it for the picture.

#4. Wearing sunglasses. Ok, why even take a picture? All I can see is the lower half of your face. Might as well post a picture of Batman for all I can tell you MIGHT actually BE Batman, but living in crappy Edmonton instead of Gotham city.

#5. A speck in front of some crappy mountains. Oh... is that you? Are you the size of a hobbit, or an elf? I can barely see you. Is this so that I can't actually tell you lied about how tall you are?

#6. Blurry out of focus close up of your face. Not so attractive. You didn't shave, or even smile. Is that a face you want to date? Not really. Would it have hurt to comb your hair?

#7. Wearing a hat. Ok. This is an issue. We all know 50% of men are bald. We can live with that. 50% of women get breast cancer. If you can live with a woman with one breast, we can live with a bald man. Just BE UP FRONT ABOUT IT. There's nothing worse than blind dating a guy who shows up bald. Oh... maybe the time the guy had a comb-over. Like buddy... what... are you going to wear that touque November, December, January, February and March but as soon as April comes around she's going to find out you're bald. It's like girls wearing padded push-up bras. Trust me, you'll be just as disappointed as we are.

#8. Shirtless. I don't know about the rest of the female population, but when I see a guy with huge muscles all I think is that you spend 3 hours at the gym everyday and those hours could be spent doing something more useful. Also, in your profile you want a girl that is into eating right and fitness. Let me clue you in... ALL THE SKINNY GIRLS GOT MARRIED IN THEIR 20'S. THE ONLY GIRLS LEFT ARE CHUBBY. Might as well be real here.

#9. With a hot girl at the bar. Why would you do this? This says "Oh yeah, I can get a hot girl anytime I want but I'm just online to see if I can find "the one." But really... I get laid all the time." Even worse is WHEN YOU CUT THE GIRL OUT OF THE PICTURE. That's rude, and tacky. Could you not take a picture? It takes 5 seconds. Even drawing a picture of yourself is better than that.

#10. Studio shots. I've seen more pictures of men posing at sears for their online dating picture than I care to remember. Bending down on one knee, resting your head on your hand, hands clasped, looking into the distance.... yeah. That's called TRYING TOO HARD. I see this and think you're trying too hard, or.... your mom took you for your 40th birthday to get a sears portrait package because she is so slighted she doesn't have grandkids yet she needs to control your life in order to feel fulfilled.

Honestly... it's all true.