Serial Killer.... Cereal killer? Hahahhaha.

This blind date was a set up from a friend. She knew this guy that was kind of artsy, so she thought that we would go well together. Things just don't work like that.

Because this was an artsy guy, instead of asking for my phone number or anything to call me and ask me out, he got my mailing address from my friend. I got a letter in the mail. Not just a letter, but one of those creepy magazine cut out handmade letters. Picture something from a horror movie... are you doing that? Seriously. ??? I wasn't sure if this guy was:

a) A serial killer
b) Just artsy
c) totally mental
d) addicted to scissors.

Anyhow, the letter said to meet him at a coffee shop downtown on a certain day, at a certain time. I could deal with that. It was actually kind of intriguing, but still creepy at the same time. I like a good intrigue. I mean, this could have turned out great, I like creepy things sometimes. So I went to the coffee shop, and there were no men inside. Just a mom and daughter couple, and a girl sitting alone. I waited for a bit, and the girl came over to my table.

Ok, so I thought she was a girl. Turned out THAT WAS THE GUY! Hahahahahahaha. Well, my mistake. He had long hair, and was wearing a big ugly orange cardigan with what I thought were leggings, but were tight black jeans. I guess he was kind of pretty, but he had a pinchy look to his face. Like he ate lots of lemons, but just with his nose.

He started talking about art, and artists that he liked.... and existential this, and existential that.... when I admitted I didn't know what the word "existential" meant he sighed heavily and said "you know, I dont' even think I can explain it to you... you just wouldn't get it... I can tell." Really? You can tell just by looking at me that I won't understand the definition of a word when I hear it? Lame. I might not be an A+ student, but I am certainly no dummy. Only once have I drooled in public.

He had ordered tea, and drank the whole pot. I was grateful that he was done and as I asked our waitress for the cheque he spoke out louder and asked for another pot of tea! Arg. I dont' know why, he must have thought I was stupid... why spend more time with me?

So he told me tales of being a starving artist. Living in a two room flat with 6 other guys. Yes, he used the word "flat" like he's some sort of British wanker. He said that he tried to live off of $1 a day, and ate at shelters to mingle with "people of substance." He talked about independent films, and foreign music... and with every new thing he said he added: "But you've probably never heard of it, right?" My gosh. I've been quoted with saying that "Turtlenecks are the most pretentious of all sweaters" more than once, but this time I think the baggy orange cardigan takes the cake. I've never been spoken down to like this before ever in my life!

I was trying to have a good attitude, and just smile and nod, and think that maybe he was nervous and just didn't know how to act with a girl, in public, in front of a date... and really sometimes I am able to keep my mouth shut and have a good attitude no matter what you've been told...

So I just decided to play along as a stupid person. I asked him if he was going to cut his ear off like Davinci. He said he had thought about it before. (It was Van Gogh). I asked him if he was a part of the new painting movement where people paint with their tongues. He said that he was the one who had actually brought that technique to Edmonton. ??? Seriously? I thought I had invented it 2 seconds ago in my mind... people really do that? I told him that my art is mainly food based. I said that I was making the worlds largest froot-loop necklace, and that my best work was building the 10 Commandments out of alphabet cereal. He signed again, and mumbled under his breath something about "childish." Hahaha.

So after drinking 2 pots of tea he went to the bathroom, and I asked the waitress for our cheque. She brought it just as he got back to the table.  Thankfully he reached into his pocket and pulled out a freaking gold amex card. Excuse me? Gold credit cards? This guy looked like a girly hobo and eats at shelters and has a gold amex card? Well, at least he paid for my Pepsi. It must have been a big sacrifice considering that was a day and a half of living expenses for him.

We weren't getting along and even if he had asked, I had no intention of ever seeing him again. We just said, well... nice to meet you and left it like that. We both walked to the parking lot and I wanted to see what kind of car he drove. I kind of just slunked around my car, pretending to look for my keys in my purse. He walked over to a (maybe) brand new ford focus. With the way he talked, I had thought maybe he rode a fuel efficient vespa, or a rusty old bicycle, or maybe something British like an Austin mini. Even a wood panelled station wagon would have been something this starving artist could tolerate.

I texted my friend and said the date was a bust but I asked what he did for a living? She said that he was the accountant for her insurance firm! Not a starving artist at all... hahaha. I looked him up on FB and there were pictures of him with a ponytail and a white golf shirt... golfing.... ironic.

I actually have seen this guy again, at a church that I don't go to very often. Didn't say hi.

Note- I JUST wrote the title for this post and thought it was so funny that he sent me a serial killer letter and I told him I made art out of cereal. Never connected it before! Oh wait.. I'm the stupid one. Right.

#38...... continued.

Many of you read my first entry about third date guy, and there is a reason he's called third date guy. Three dates... obviously.

So in spite of my stunning projectile vomiting this guy wanted to go out again. 

Or did he?

After date #1, a mutual friend told me to be careful, because this guy just hangs out with girls and flirts, and texts, and it never goes any further and the girl(s) get really hurt. Hmmm. This made me wonder if maybe he was a closet gay guy? A lot of my gay guy friends have tons of flirty relationships with girls. ??? Hopefully not though. Another mutual friend told me that he told them that he had no intentions in dating me again, he didn't like me, wasn't interested... that kind of thing. So when he wanted to hang out again, I was like "Hey wait a minute..."

Reference Bridget Jones Diary. 

Well, yes... this sounded to me like a clear case of "Emotional Fuckwittage". I first learned the term while watching the favorite movie of all slightly overweight single 30 something girls. Bridget Jones Diary. I've even read the book, which has far more crude British language, in case you are in the mood. But I digress. Warning bells went off, and what's a girl to do? What would a normal girl do? What would you do? I can only tell you what I did, and that was to CALL HIM OUT. 

I descended my testicles, totally confronted him and he was at first mad at his friend for telling me, and second totally denied it. Really? Come on, I wasn't born yesterday. The part that makes me REALLY MAD is that he got me to admit that I did kind of like him, and I was interested. He replied with "That's cool." ??? That's cool?  Come on, I at least deserve a reciprocal interest-ation. Well what do you have to say for yourself Mr. Cool? 

He said that he totally wants to see me again, to get to know me better. Can you really trust a guy who behaves like this? My friends aren't liars, so I believed them. I tried to believe the best in this guy as well, so Date #2 happened, even though I felt like I was getting played the whole time. 

Third Date guy happened to have a motorbike- so we went for a ride. This is kind of awkward. If you've ever been a Christian girl, on a date with a Christian guy.... you will probably try to keep from wrapping your entire body around his. It's kind of skanky. But when you're on the back of a bike going super fast through back roads... yeah you just have to do it or..... fall to your death. I chose skank instead of death. Always a good choice. We stopped for hot chocolate, I managed not to throw up again, and went back out on the bike. Generally.... this guy is not a bad guy. He somewhat redeemed himself by being nice and shielding my freezing hands from the wind... good manners matter. But that's about it... I honestly don't remember too much more, but I must have had a brain aneurysm because we ended up going out again. This is why I call the blog "waste of makeup".... sometimes you waste your time, and makeup, but ever holding out that the next one will be the last one. 

Cheers! 

#34. The worst one of them all.

This was one of the worst, if not the worst.

Picture yourself the week before you turn 30.

Sigh. This was where I was when I agreed to go out with this stupid guy. Well, I guess you could say that he probably was not stupid... but exceptionally intelligent. You'll see.

I met this guy online, and he contacted me and wanted to meet for coffee. He looked decent in the pictures with dark hair and no beards or mustaches in sight. If I remember correctly he was surfing in most of them. (Because we have so much ocean nearby in rural Alberta). We agreed to meet at one of the trendy university hangout places that stay open really late.

As soon as I arrived I was confused. He was there, but he looked nothing like his photos. He lied about how tall he was, and how bald he was. Sigh. He said that he was a professor at one of the nearby colleges... and that's almost all I remember because he talked about how smart he was for an hour. This has happened to me so many times I am really good at smiling and nodding. He explained that he is even smarter than a genius because he has exceptional hearing. Hearing is a sign of intelligence, so he is way above genius level. I admit that I wasn't paying that much attention... and when there was a break in the conversation he started talking about other girls he's dated. (Major Faux Pas). He started talking about age... so I mentioned that because he was 32 years old (remember I was 29) he was technically the oldest guy I've ever dated, since I usually date younger men.

Just wait for it.

He must have been offended by that comment, which to me seemed innocent... maybe he has an age complex or whatever? I'm not sure. Maybe his mother calls every night to ask when he will give her grandchildren? Maybe he has 10 younger siblings that got married before he did and he feels insecure? Whatever was going on in his mind does NOT justify what he said to me next.

Wait for it.

He looks me square in the eye, juts out his chin, narrows his eyes and says,

 "YOU KNOW, YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING."

OH YES. HE DID. 

HE SAID THAT. 

TO A WOMAN.

TO A WOMAN TURNING 30.

I was kind of stunned at his rudeness and thought he might be joking... but when no punchline came I was just kind of in shock. I didn't know what to say so I asked him "Can you HEAR my clock ticking?" and he actually said YES. 

Did that just happen? It did. 4 days before I turned 30. What a kick in the crotch. Bastard. 

So we made polite conversation for the next half hour. Got up to leave and I was reminded again at how many inches he forgot to mention in his profile. This guy was as tall as I am.. and that is the height of a small child. He proceeds to ask me out for coffee again.. and meant it. He wanted to go for coffee again RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE. ??? Who does that? 

How about no. 

I am still blown away by this guy's tactless comment. No one should ever say that to a woman... especially not one who is turning 30 soon! Honestly, I don't care if I have children or not. As far as I'm concerned all my eggs can either stay unhatched unless I sell them all on eBay. I certainly wouldn't have children with him... they would end up hobbits.