Monday, 23 January 2012

Gifts guys buy me.

Gifts that I have received from Men over the last 16 years.

Cat themed candle holder (a glimpse of my future as a cat lady)
Brushed nickel promise ring. (Yes, I promise to cheat on you)
Black Satin bed sheets (Who does this guy think he is?)
Carnations. (Oh no you didn't.)
"Catch Me if You Can" DVD. (No thanks)
Electric SOCKS. (ummmmmmm......?)
Rubber Boots with slurpee's duct taped to the sides. (sprained ankle)
A pig donated to a charity. (Treated yourself to a tax break eh buddy?)
Bandaids (The safety seal was broken)
Menu from a restaurant that I never went to. (???)
Pair of Diesel Jeans. (I returned that shit)
Tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil (Can't complain)
Box of chocolates that were melted. (Sat in car for long time?)
A hammock. (Not just a hammock, but an ugly hammock)
A snuggie. (Did I just spend $80 on your gift and you got me a snuggie?)
Book: The Outsiders. (Nice choice)
A song: (recorded about how selfish I am) (No joke) (not even joking)
Playdough. (used. gross.)
Bracelet made of lead. (threw that junk out asap)
Hilarious House of Frightenstein DVD (I broke up with him and left it at his condo by mistake!) arg.
Many Many Mixed Tapes. (some good, some bad)
A nametag collection from all his fast food jobs. (thanks loser).
A mini cooler. (I actually use this)
A dress to meet his mother in. (This is why I date orphans).
Kinder surprise with a picture of him inside. (Yes, he unwrapped it and wrapped it back up).

So as you can see, I obviously haven't dated many rich men. Or even middle class. I was just thinking about this past week and how I always seem to get proposed to by someones dad. It happens all the time. I was teaching a class last week and a guy from Pakistan wants me to go to Pakistan and marry his son. I have no problem with this, except that I CAN'T MAKE ROUND CHAPATIS.

Once I got mauled by a homeless guy outside the hope mission. Knocked me down and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. At least some guys drink mouthwash to get a buzz... improves the smell. A security guard pulled him off of me and as he was being hauled away he yelled "Lady will you marry me?" Excuse me....? Who you calling "lady"?

Another time I had a guy follow me on the LRT and almost all the way home on the bus. He sat near me, and kept staring at me, but in a look-away-she-saw-me-looking-at-her-so-I'll-look-up-and-off-to-the-side-and-she-won't-know-a-thing... I finally asked him what the heck was his problem, and he said I look like his ex girlfriend so could he have my phone number? I said no, and then he asked me to marry him.

I often wonder what the world would be like if all nations observed arranged marriage. Would we be less picky? Wear less makeup? Wear less suggestive clothing? Work harder to earn a good life? Or would be all be trapped in loveless marriages with ugly children? Possibly.

What about the "Soulmate" theory? Do you believe in this? It seems impossible if every person has just one person on earth that is meant for them. Do you have any idea how many people are on this earth? Take that number and divide it by the number of crackheads, then multiply it by herpes. A wise man once told me that "Your soulmate is the person that you ultimately marry," and I believe it. I mean, what if your soulmate got run over by a bus? If you married someone else it would UPSET THE BALANCE OF THE UNIVERSE.

I'm not sure, but I think that my soulmate out there has an appreciation for the circus, likes to read books, see movies, eat great food and travel. He likes the left side of the bed, wears John Fluevog shoes every now and again, and likes cats more than dogs. He could care less about hockey when people out there are dying every day and they need help as well as the gospel. He is a good steward, and makes me laugh. A lot.

Just please don't buy me carnations.