Saturday, 21 January 2012

Happy Birthday Betty White.

So there are some girls out there that actually don't want to get married. I of course do... since my eggs are drying up I need someone to take care of me when I'm old.

How old are we all going to live anyhow? I'm planning on 75. Betty White just turned 90. NINETY YEARS OLD. HOW SICK IS THAT? She doesn't even wear a diaper or anything. I don't know how I expect to live 58 more years without wearing depends. I almost want to now so that I don't have to get out of bed. 58 more years? Can I afford to live that long? Do I want to live that long? Chances are I will either have Dementia, Heart Disease, Stroke or some sort of freaky Cancer caused by drinking so much freaking tang when I was a kid.

Little known fact: When I was a kid my hands and feet turned orange. For real. Both my parents were smokers, that smoked in the house. That's right kiddies, I was the smelly kid at school. Unbeknownst to me of course. I wheezed, I coughed, and my Grandmother shoved me in the bathtub the second I came over to her house. Or maybe it was asthma. Regardless, I had asthma attacks all the time and had to get oxygen hooked up more than once. My Mother sought advice. The aging pediatrician (who looked like a PEDOPHILE) told my mom to lay off the dairy. But what my mom heard was "Feed her goats milk." GOATS MILK. While the rest of you white kids ate wonderbread sandwiches and drank perfectly pasteurised white milk that came from white cows with 24 caret gold udders.... I had to drink milk from a goat.

When she would sit that glass in front of me all I could think about were hairy goat penis's. I was ignorant, I didn't know there was a difference, and have you ever seen udders on a goat? Me neither. I can't remember how long this went on for, but my mom got the brilliant idea that you can put liquid calcium in ANY LIQUID AND IT'S JUST LIKE MILK. So, I drank a lot of Tang. I don't know how much tang I had to drink in order for my hands and feet to turn orange. In the early 80's I'm pretty sure that red and orange food dyes were toxic and when they were mixed with sperm and ovum in a petrie dish you made Chernobyl babies. Well known fact.

So, I had to go back to see Dr. Pedophile and wouldn't you know it my Mom had dressed me in tights that day. I didn't want to get naked in front of Dr. Creepy (Who I punched in the face when I was three) and I remember fighting with my sister in the room because she wouldn't trade with me and give me her normal (not hand me down) knee socks.

The results: Stop feeding your orange coloured child so much Tang. Did you know that they make juice from real oranges with no poison in it? Water is a liquid too, and since it's clear it will make her more white.

I shared this because I was wondering if Betty White has lived so long because there was no Tang in St. Olaf. The Amish will probably take over the world with buggies and whoopie pie when the rest of us cheeze whiz big mac kids die out.