Monday, 19 December 2011

Ronald McBarf. Krusty Cobain? It's a toss up.


I used to work for a company that had an office, and a warehouse. The staff wouldn't really mingle at all... office snobs, dirty warehouse people... it's the same old same old. I worked in the office in the accounting department. I don't know why. I hate being exact, double checking, counting, math... I wanted to kill myself almost every single day. I only survived by putting scary pictures in the files to scare the little asian ladies in my dept. 

One of the guys in the warehouse would ask me out all the time... and I would always say no. One day he asked me if I wanted to go to a football game with him that night. I was like... "Ugh... I don't date guys I work with, sorry". (Total lie, I only date the good-looking ones). He made the point that it was his LAST day at work, so technically we wouldn't be working together at that time of day. It was in front of a bunch of staff, and I felt kind of pressured so I said yes. 

I got him to pick me up from a mall that's pretty close, so he wouldn't know where I lived, and so that in case he was a serial killer there would be witness to identify the vehicle. 

When he pulled up (late), he brushed all the fast food containers off of the passenger seat. He had to do this, because the whole backseat was FULL of fast food garbage. I'm not kidding, it was full up to the windows. There was an odor. There was no seat belt. I tried to roll the window down, but the crank came off in my hand. He was just like, "oh, that always happens, don't worry- you don't have to pay for it". 

We got to the stadium and he wanted to park for free, but I offered to pay for it since he paid for the tickets. He said that he NEVER pays for parking, and we parked like, 10 blocks away. Sigh. 

MEN--- Making a girl walk 10 blocks because you're too cheap to pay $10 parking is incredibly rude. Not just from a lazy perspective either... The amount of money guys waste on video games and energy drinks proves that it's just bad manners. If you don't have $10... can't you find something a bit nicer to do for free than walk through a dirty neighborhood with needles all over the ground? 

During the game he was so distracting, I could barely pay attention to what was going on. I asked him to tell me everything he knew about football, but he had never played or watched it before. I asked him why he bought tickets then, and he said they were free. Oh, ok. So this date is costing you nothing then. Not like it has to, but a first date shouldn't include coupons... its kind of tacky. Unless it was a good kind of coupon, like free shoes or free plane tickets. 

It starts to be the biggest rainstorm of the century. The water came down like buckets, and it was an outdoor stadium.... Instead of letting me wait inside so he can bring the car to pick me up, he made me walk to the car in pouring rain. I have never seen or experienced rain like this ever again, even during the rainy season in Thailand. So I am soaking wet, he is soaking wet, and our date is over early. Good. I can see the Eskimo's lose on T.V anytime and not be soaking wet. 

No, no... Instead of taking me home like he said he would, he stops at a restaurant. Surprise! Dinner! Soaking wet dinner. Romantic. 

During the dinner, he told me all about small town Alberta, and how much dope he smoked, and how he was the dealer for the whole town, and he invented the band "Nirvana" and how Kurt Cobain stole his style.... (Signature plaid shirt and baggy jeans), and how he wrote most of the lyrics for the songs in Nirvana... in fact he talked so much about how cool he was, and how many similarities Kurt Cobain had with him... I figured that he was:

a.) Crazy. 
b.) Possibly high. 
c.) Crazy and high. 
d.) Kurt Cobain.
e.) Mental. 

Looking back, I think he was mental instead of Kurt Cobain. His car did not smell like Teen Spirit. It smelled like a moldy grease factory. 

I kept saying, "Hey- maybe we should get out of here and pay, it's getting late." Each time he would say "Oh no, it's not too late, I don't have to work tomorrow."  Sigh. I sat there for 3.5 hours and I just couldn't take anymore. I slid a $20 under my coaster and I grabbed my purse and said I was going to the ladies room. I did that, and then went out the side fire exit and walked home. I know that this is wrong, but at the time it felt so right. Best walk of my life! I would never have to see this guy ever again! 

The problem was that I forgot that we "used" to work together and that he had to pick up his last cheque FROM ME IN THE OFFICE. Damn. A few days later I saw him walking in the building over the top of my cubicle and I ran and HID UNDER THE DESK AND PULLED THE CHAIR IN. That's right. I did that. One of my co-workers grabbed the cheque for him and I narrowly escaped... whew. 

To be honest, this is probably the worst date manners that I've ever shown. It's way worst than throwing up in front of someone... right?