Friday, 16 December 2011

Wizard needs food, badly.

One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made was listening to someone else's advice. And cutting my hair like a style I saw on "Edward Scissorhands" in 1992. And getting a tramp stamp tattoo in 1997. Jeans were higher back then, so it's basically in the middle of my back. But when high waisted jeans come back full speed- you better bet that I'll be the trampiest girl on the block. REPRESENT!

When I was 29 years old I went back to school. I wasn't holding out for "the perfect guy" to be there because lets face it... all the students are like... 17 years old. That is called pedophiling, my friends. After the first day of checking out the parking lot for Audi's and Lexus's I realized my sugar daddy didn't go to my school. The next week I scouted out the hallways for signs of wrinkles, tremors and receding hairlines to no avail. There was one blond guy with a pierced eyebrow I saw once in the hallway that looked near my age and was super attractive... never saw him again. Must have been a mirage? So I was stuck in Jr. high. Mom jokes, food fights... I didn't exactly feel like anyone's mother, but I sure did want to give them a spanking. Not a sexy spank either.

Except, there was one guy that was always flattering me in some way or another. He told me that he was older, owned a business, owned a house, etc. I wasn't exactly attracted to him but we started hanging out a bit. I figured it was worth a shot to get to know him, and see if it could/would go anywhere.

I was worried that he was a bit too young, and one of my guy friends at the time said that the rule is half your age plus seven. So, 29 divided in 2 is, 14.5, plus 7 = 21.5. This guy said he was older than that, so I thought I was safe.

I soon found out how wrong I was... He blew hot and cold, and I'm not into that. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Where are all the "black and white" people out there? So frustrating. I think that if a guy likes a girl, he should just say so. If you don't, well... move on because you're wasting her time. If you're not sure, hang out in a group so that there are no mis-interpretations. It's not rocket science.

For Christmas he bought me a snuggie. Fo' real yo. Hahahaha who does that?

For my birthday he gave me the worlds ugliest hammock, coupled with the worlds ugliest bracelet. It was plastic, with lead coated metal. I smiled and said I loved it and threw it away when I got home. I don't want to die as a brunette.

The story ends with him making a date with me and then BLOWING ME OFF TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES. Come on. What was I thinking? I am so much better than that, and I'm sorry that I lowered my standards. Just because a guy says...... oh wait. He's still a guy. Guys do things like this. I am pretty sure that I deserve to date a guy who wants to spend time with me instead of loser strangers on the internet. I didn't really like how he treated women either... kind of like a "cook for me, clean for me" expectation on women. He tried to get me to dye my hair, and he tried to tell me to dress a certain way and I realized that if I end up with a guy like that I would get sent to prison for stabbing him to death.

He kept calling and texting me, but I told him that even as a friend he sucked and I wouldn't give him a second chance. Score one for ME. So proud of you! You get a star!

That summer I ran into someone that worked with him that confirmed that he DID NOT own a business, DID NOT own a house, and was 2 YEARS YOUNGER than he told me he was. It was then that I realized that it was all a big game, to see if he could "get" an older chick. Sigh. How old do I have to be before I stop falling for these tricks? How old do I have to be before someone halfway decent comes along? And why can't Christian Men tell the FREAKING TRUTH? Why do I meet all these freaky men who lie? Either Jesus better come back sooner than he planned, or I'll have to start dying my leg hairs brown to cover up the grey.

I am disgusting.