Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Tips for the guy in my class.

Ok so get this...

One of the guys at my college told me that my blog has taught him more about dating than any other source. Hmmm. This is kind of like a "What not to do on a date" blog, not a "Do all these crappy things" blog. Just so you know. But chances are he'll get married before me anyhow and I can shrink into a ball and gently implode.

I have some tips. You might disagree, but I don't care what you think.

1- Do not ever buy a girl CARNATIONS. They are cheap, tacky and even if she says she likes them SHE IS LYING. I promise you. Buy something else. Draw a picture of a flower with crayons instead... that's almost better.

2- Clean your car! Yes, the whole thing. If she winds up in the trunk and finds dirt you only have yourself to blame.

3- Don't talk about body parts that your bathing suit covers. Or hers. Sigh. Even if you had recent prostate surgery... yes, even then. It's not a first date topic.

4- Offer to pay FOR EVERY FREAKING THING. If you are cheap, take her somewhere cheap like a coffee shop. If she offers to pay, counter her with a "You can leave a tip, if you want." Or, if you like-like her, tell her she can "get it next time" and try to make plans for another date.

5- Let her pick the movie. Goal = Marriage. Your movie pick = sucks. Just let her do it. Go see a guy movie with YOUR GUY FRIENDS.

6- Be clean and smell nice. This means showering, using soap. Shampoo your hair. Shave. Wash your hands and make your nails look nice. Not with nail polish unless you are a tranny. Just cut them to a man length. Check your nose. Check your ears. Leave the Ed Hardy at home.

7- Is it hot out? No? Well why are you wearing shorts? That's terrible.

8- Turn your phone off. TURN your PHONE OFF. Unless your mother is dying in the hospital and can't slap you for going on a date while she is dying in the hospital... turn it off. It's rude.

9- Ask her questions about her life. Listen to the answers. Got no questions? Well, then you ain't interested in her. Move on.

10- Be polite. Open the door. It isn't that hard. Normally you do it without assistance, so it's probably likely that you can let someone else walk through it before you do. Use Please and Thank you. Be nice. But not too nice.