Wednesday, 5 October 2011

#36 Mr. Surprise.

I met Mr. Surprise online, and we had exchanged emails for a bit... then started to text.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. Once you start texting someone you don't know, you're in a relationship weather you like it or not and if not... they can PHONE YOU any time any day. I'm sure there's an iPhone app for stalkers where they can follow you incognito around the city and sneak up behind you and smell your hair.

My new texting buddy wanted to meet and go for a (chilly) walk in the river valley. At the time it sounded good... cold but good. The weird thing was that he didn't want to meet at a coffee shop or anything like that... it was just on the side of the road on a particular bench downtown. ??? Kind of sketch, and for all I knew some homeless guy would be sleeping on it when I got there. I bundled up and found a parking space and actually put the club on my steering wheel for the first time. Yeah, we got thugs in Canada too. I found the bench and waited, hoping that he could read my mind and bring hot chocolate.

Nope. He brought something else.

A guy wearing jogging pants, fancy red parka, red touque and mitts is walking down the avenue. He stops and says "Hello are you _________?" Well, I'm confused because he has no less than THREE dogs on leashes. This was a dog walking date. I had no idea that such a thing could exist? I didn't even know that he owned dogs? I mean, I don't bring my cat on blind dates. He's pretty vicious though so maybe I should?

I just decided to have a good attitude, and lie about how much I loved dogs. Un-ethical, I know, but dog people get just as offended when you don't like dogs as mothers do when you say you hate babies.

Onward to the magic. He gives me the smallest dog to walk, which was one of those curly white haired ones with all the crusty brown junk crammed under it's eyes. He had the other two, who really just smelled each others junk the whole walk. I actually started to feel bad for my dog, because it didn't get no play. So Mr. Surprise talked about his dogs. For almost the whole date. He didn't just tell me everything about THESE dogs, no, he talked about the dogs he had as a kid, and how they died, and how he buried them and his dad made a tombstone and it was in the backyard, and he went back to his childhood home and peeked in the yard and the tombstone was gone and it was really really hurtful.

Sigh. He ended up getting mad at me a few times. It was winter, like I said. The paths were actually icy in some places, and I slipped and fell twice! My last season Ed Hardy boots had almost no traction, and the first time I got tangled in the leash, (he did NOT help me up) and the second time I almost fell ON THE DOG and he gave me the stink eye. At least he dog-walked me back to my car at the end.

I don't know how many times dogs go to the bathroom on walks, but it was a LOT and if I was interested in Mr. Surprise--- the feces just killed it for me.

Fecal matter is not a joke friends.

After this... he would text me from the dogs, asking me for another walk. Thank God I went to China after this and got my revenge actually eating dog. Did I just write that? I did.