Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The guy that licked my face in 1996.

I know that you read the title of this blog and had to look twice. That's right, I said THE GUY WHO LICKED MY FACE. And yes, this happened in 1996. Stop judging me. Right now you are semi horrified, trying to picture it in your mind... but there is no way you could really understand the horror of what happened if you didn't see it. 

I met this guy in high school, and we all know that high school dating is a step above Jr. high, but not by much. They guys basically ignore you, and never take you anywhere. Because no one is old enough to drive. It starts out with a friend, who told a friend that someones friend likes you. Then you're "dating". This just means that you talk after school on the way to the bus stop and mutter "later" and get on the bus leaving him in a cloud of toxic diesel fumes. 

I guess that's why I started dating older boys. 

I said I met him in high school, but he wasn't a student. He was just visiting a friend for the day. He had dark hair, and scruff, and was all punk rock in his ripped jeans, wallet chain and leather jacket. Immediately I had to know who this JD was. At the time I was pretty hot for JD's...  I would date anything in a mohawk that looked like bad news. (I still might actually). 

  . . . :. . .. ' ; ; ;; . . .'': . . .:: : : : : <------- that's braille for "What the heck was wrong with me?" 

Lo and behold, he asked for my number and we started dating. We went out a few times to see a movie, and then he invited me to come to his apartment. See, older boys don't live with moms and dads. I go to this guys apartment (yes, he expected to get laid). (No, I did not). Older boys have high expectations. What do I see when I walk in the door? A complete pigsty. The floors were covered in those wood shavings that you see in pet stores. He explained that his ex-girlfriend had moved out and took the animals with her. The thing is that she moved out a few months ago. MONTHS ago. Animal shavings on the rug. For months. They were everywhere. Older boys do not vacuum. To try to get rid of them, he had placed blankets over top of the shavings like he's some kind of magician. He's like, "Hey, come and sit on the floor, it's comfortable". Ugh. I was like, "Um, no... I have asthma. I think I'm allergic to your apartment. I think I should go home now". 

So we took the bus downtown and he waited with me at the terminal for my bus to come. As the faithful #9 pulls up, he says "OK, see you" and he grabs me by the shoulders and LICKS MY FACE GOODBYE. Not just a small lick on the cheek. This was a wet slobbery calculated licking of every single nook and cranny of my face. Forehead, nose, eyes, cheeks, mouth, chin. It happened so fast, and I was so stunned... I just got on the bus and went home in a state of shock. 

My tiny teenage brain knew this was definitely not normal, so I ignored his calls after this. 

I ended up seeing him 4 months later, at the same bus terminal with a girl who was pushing a stroller... and he had a tiny little baby strapped to his chest in a snuggle thing. Ugh. Chalk one up for me...Winning at Virginity!