Friday, 30 September 2011

#37 The "Are You Going To Eat That"? Guy.

I met this guy at a New Years Eve party. Well, not the party itself but the AFTER party. We went to someones house to watch a movie, which one... I cannot remember now. I'm so old that all-nighters actually give me brain damage instead of youthful confidence. This guy seemed like a regular guy, and he added me on FB, and would ask me out all the time. I would just say I was too busy or whatever. But it ended up becoming summer and with that scores of weddings and engaged couples. At the time I just really wanted to go out for dinner with an interesting person and have a nice night. 

So I agreed to go out with him for dinner. I had just gotten back from South East Asia, and I was really tired and sick of Asian food, which he really really wanted to eat. After eating fish balls and pigs snout in China I was not budging, as the place he wanted to go to was a 50 min drive for me. Actually, it was HIS favorite place. We agreed to meet downtown, at an Earls. Warning bells went off in the back of my mind when he wanted me to text him when I was in the parking lot, so we could walk in together. ??? Why? I realized that he didn't want it to look like he was on a blind date. (Insecure). So we go in and get sat at a pretty nice table. The server is droning on and on about the drink specials, like for an actual long time... so I interrupt and mention that I am in AA so I won't be drinking. She smiles and leaves. This guy is just STARING AT ME. I had to explain that it was a joke, so that she wouldn't waste her breath. (I guess this is where I am the weird one). 

As the server takes MY order he blurts out his order as she is asking me what I would like, totally interrupting her, and makes really weird substitutions throughout and didn't say please or thank you. I thought only women made substitutions? 

He wouldn't let me order what I wanted. For real. He said that the appetizer I wanted was too small, and he will look like a pig and that I had to order something else. Excuse me? I just said that I was looking forward to this dish all day, so that was what I was going to have. He was really put out.  

Whew, that's over. Let the games begin. 

I learned that he is a people watcher. He just ignored me for awhile and watched people, and made rude comments about them. 

It was hard to understand him, because he had his hand over his face most of the date. I thought that maybe he had bad teeth or something? Not sure. 

During small talk he mentioned that he wanted to be a Pastor. OK, that's great! He was taking classes from somewhere, and had a few interviews with some churches. He said that they rejected him because he couldn't really answer the question "Why do you want to be a Pastor?" and when I asked he didn't know either. He said that "no one understands me". I really wouldn't hire him either. Good goal, but wrong for him. 

I asked him what he did for fun, and he didn't know. 

He told me all about his future dreams and goals, and then asked me what mine were. Excellent. Except after I told him about what I want to do with my life, (which was the opposite of his goals) he said "Me too!" 

This is the point where he just starts laughing and says, "That was really funny." I was like... "What was funny?" "That joke you told." "What joke?" "About being in AA." Buddy that was almost an hour ago and NOW you laugh? He kept talking about it afterwards like he'd never heard a joke before. ??? 

When he finally started to ask questions about me, they were really frantic "are you my wife?" questions. I was kind of disappointed, because I like to take things really slow and get to know people. Do you really need to know how much money I have in the bank, and if the women in my family are fertile or not? On the first date?

One really strange thing is that he made weird observations about me, my tone of voice and pointed them out to me. It was really awkward. He gave me a play by play of my night, like some sort of sports commentary. I didn't know if it was some sort of rude attack about my personality, or maybe he just hadn't gotten out in awhile? It was like he was analyzing me to my face, without the decency to do it on a blog so random strangers could laugh. 

When our meals came, I was excited and relieved to have something else to do. I had finished my chicken, and was pretty content when he asked me "are you going to eat that?" Well, I thought I actually had eaten it, but there were some crispy fried won-ton garnish type things left on the plate. I was a little taken aback, and I asked "Oh, would you like to try them?" figuring that maybe he is the "sharing" type? He looks at me and says "WELL, I'M PAYING FOR IT SO YOU BETTER EAT IT ALL". 

WHOA.  I have never been spoken to this rudely on a date before. I just looked at him and said, thank you for the offer but I think maybe I should pay for myself. He played the "big man" and scoffed and said that no, he would pay. Ok, way to make this really awkward. 

He was still talking with his hand over his face. It actually took me till the end of the date to find out that HE HAD A BEARD. (I really don't like facial hair, personally). Good thing it was covered up. 

When the bill came, he grabbed it and started whining that $40 was too expensive for a bill, and that the server didn't deserve a tip. Sigh. I told him that she did, because she brought us multiple drink refills, and our food, and that she actually gets docked by the establishment because tips are shared in most places. This ticks me off because I used to wait tables and cheapskates should be strung up in a burlap sack, covered with sugar and exposed to wild dogs. I convinced him to tip. But I still slid a $5 under my glass when he wasn't looking. 

As we are leaving, there was a man by the door shaking hands and signing autographs. He got really excited and thought it was someone famous. I turned my head to look and I was like, dude, that's the mayor of Edmonton. How can you NOT know who he is? I didn't say that out loud, but I thought it. I'm a snob I guess. At this point I was so ready for this night to be over, I just walked out the door with him on my heels, with him muttering that he wished I would have stopped so he could get an autograph. Sigh. 

One week later. He asks me out again. I say no. This happens a few times, and he eventually deletes me on FB. Hallelujah. 

One year later. He finds me on an online dating site and makes small talk. I send a brief message back, out of politeness. 

3 months after that. He comes into my place of work, with a girl and pretends NOT to know who I am. I was kind of sick of this already, so I remind him that he is the "are you going to eat that because I am paying for it blind date." I think that he was on a blind date at the time, and the girl looked really awkward after I pointed that out. He was blissfully ignorant.